Tantrums?

"You know that nice assistant principal who has been working with you since you started coming to high school?"

Student nods. 

"Well she is GONE.  I would like to introduce you to your new assistant principal, the mean one, me...nice to meet you.  I am so done with your bullshit.  The nice, kind, caring approach has been ineffective and you continue to be rude to me, unless you need something form me, rude to your teachers, rude to adults who ask you simple questions when passing in the hallway, you are involved in way too much drama, are in school to find drama not to learn, go to classes late, and seem to think you get to make the rules.  That all changes today, now...in this moment." 

Student is unsure what to think...

"You are so incredibly smart yet you choose to act stupid.  You care so much about people yet you will turn your back on people if they are on the wrong side of drama.  You could be the first person in your family to graduate from high school and say you want to do that yet your behavior does not begin to show that... you say you want other kids to look up to you because you know how/when to do the right thing and stand up for what is right... do you think I would tell any kid in this building to look up to you? No....which kills me because you do know what the right thing to do is..  you do know how to stand up and do the right thing...You can live above the line and you keep choosing not to.  You do not have a perfect life, you have real challenges... and you keep choosing to repeat the same mistakes.  You keep choosing to be angry.  You come into school in the morning with your friends and you are joking around, smiling, but then as soon as it is time to go to class, there is an emotional crisis about which you expect everyone to care... you DEMAND people see you...to put you in front of other kids... you are rude... you admit that there are days when you leave your house and you tell your mother to expect a call from the school because you are going to be a bitch that day.  Your teachers compliment you and tell you and me that you are doing well...and the moment they try to redirect a negative behavior they become horrible people... You like people who let you do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it.  And you know what? I guarantee that for the next few months you are not going to like me... I am not going to let you do what you want when you want to do it unless  what you want includes getting your butt to class, participating in class,  EARNING good grades, and being respectful to other people AND most importantly showing self respect.  You are better than the girl you intentionally portray at times.  You are better than the person who seeks attention from other kids, any attention... and I am not longer going to let you get away with settling for less.  Got it?"

Kid softly crying...

"What did you and I talk about when we first met?"

The student recalls our conversation about how she knows that the social stuff gets in the way of how well she could do at school... about how I promised her I would be there for her , not always in the way she wants me to be, but I will always be there.  That I will bend over backwards for her, be her number one cheerleader and will help her with everything as long as she is working even half as hard  to help herself as I am working to help her...

I pause...

then ask, "Do you think you have been doing what you need to do?"

Student responds, "No." 

Me: "Do you understand why I am frustrated?"

Student: "Yes." 

Me: " I care about you... I care about you when you are doing well, and you do have times when you are doing well... I care about you when you are swearing in my face...and get so disappointed in that moment because I know you can do better... I care about you when you are acting in a way that you think is going to impress other people and I know it makes you uncomfortable because you know that is not who you truly are or want to be... I care whether or not you graduate because I want you to see yourself at the end of high school...see how hard you worked... how smart you are... I want to see you be proud of you... because the girl I have been seeing and trying to help... she is not proud of who she is..."

Student, "I will do better.  I promise.  I am sorry that I am rude to you and that I am sweet only when I need you to do something for me.  It's not fair."

Me: " Thank you.  I will accept your apology when I see your behavior changing.  I don't expect you to be perfect and don't expect you to not make mistakes along the way... but what your behavior is showing me...is that I cannot take the soft, gentle approach with you.  That when you step out of line I need to give you consequences.  And hold you accountable... you are going to be very frustrated with me in the next few weeks and months... but you will change your behavior...because you are motivated by the social part of school, by being here... and if you are not acting approrpiately, I will send you home. I make that promise to you." 

That... that was three days ago... in my office with a kid who has spent so much time in my office this year... a kid who is like a terrified dog who goes into unfamiliar territory and pisses all over the place to mark its territory then, when it realizes you have nothing intended other than to rub its belly cuddles up next to you with a look of apology... sorry for ruining your carpets... and that apology is genuine..and you built some trust.... and then the next time, there is a different group of people around and she barks and pees all over the place again and when you try to pet her to calm her down she tries to bite your hand, runs off into the corner to hide... and when you bring her a favorite squeaky toy, she looks up at you with those puppy dog eyes and apologizes again, and means it... and her trust for you deepens... but that pattern continues...

I talked to her mom last week and said as you know I put your kid in an in school suspension program that we have thoughtfully designed and are choosing only kids who we believe will truly benefit from it... and she was awful to the person running it.. so awful that I really should have kicked her out, but I wanted her to stay and be a part of the afternoon reflective piece that I didn't... but I will not do that again... she will start getting suspended.  She will get sent home when she behaves badly because she needs a strong, clear message.  Her mom, in her pain killer addict haze...agreed...

So.. Today...

(Student has been told to follow her schedule, to be where she is supposed to be at all times...) Instead of going to the cafeteria for lunch.. she convinces one of her friends to go with her and hang out in an area of the school which has little to no supervision at that time... and a teacher comes by and encourages the two to return to the cafeteria and they refuse.  The teacher asks their names... the other student answers..this student, with huge attitude says, "I don't have a name." And walks away...

It didn't even take a full second for the teacher to start describe the interaction and I knew who it was... and I went to find her.  When I found her she was near the cafeteria and I asked her to come with me.  She said she needed to get a drink first.  I looked at her and gave her one of my looks, one that kids have told me is a little scary and communicates "OH HELL NO!" and told her she didn't need a drink as she would not be staying in the cafeteria.  As we walked to my office she quietly asked if she was in trouble.  I just looked at her and kept walking.  She asked if I was going to send her home... I told her we would talk about it in the office and she said please...you can't send me home...

We get into my office and I ask her about the situation.  She has no attitude...is not defensive...and I think it is because she is scared she is in trouble.  I talk to her about the situation and she stays calm.  I ask her if she was where she was supposed to be.  She said she was just trying to eat lunch in a quiet place.  I told her she had not answered the question and repeated it.  She said she didn't want to go to the cafeteria today... I told her she had not asked my question and repeated it... she said it isn't a big deal... I asked again," were you where you were supposed to be?" 
Her: "No." 
Me: "Right answer. You were not where you were supposed to be which you and I have talked about at length and I cannot be clearer with you... and you were disrespectful to a teacher."
Her: "No I wasn't. She didn't need to know my name."
Me: "Did you answer the staff member when she asked you your name?"
She stared at me.
Me: "We had this conversation just the other day.  I am done with your excuses and poor behavior.  You need to  be where you are supposed to be and you need to be respectful.  You are going home for the rest of the day." 

She freaks out.  Starts crying and screaming at me.  She screams that it is so unfair, that it is something that is no big deal, that she doesn't even work with that teacher... and tries to bait me into an argument.  She is standing at this point. 

I am sitting at my desk.  I say to her, "I told you that I was going to hold you accountable, that is what I am doing. To your credit you said you were not where you were supposed to be and you said you told a teacher you did not have a name.  I appreciate you admitting what you did wrong and now, you will go home for the rest of the day and come back tomorrow." 
She wailed... kept screaming at me.  I calmly said, "You can keep screaming.  I know this is a strategy you have used to get what you want and it is not going to work.  I am going to sit here with you, and when you calm down we will get your backpack and you can head home."
She tries to argue with me again, screaming at how unfair it is. 
I calmly say that I am going to sit with her until she calms down, that her screaming is not going to change my decision and I am not going to engage in an argument with her.
She said she was going to leave without her backpack.  (She was holding her ipad at the time.)  I told her she was welcome to leave because her mom and I had agreed that if something like this happened when she needed to leave, that she could walk home, but that she could not take her ipad without having a safe bag to carry it in. So if she wanted to leave WITH the ipad, she needed to wait for her backpack.  She groaned and then quietly said, "PLEASE, please please don't send me home.  I will apologize to that teacher I will tell her my name." 
I looked at her and I said, "I'm sorry...it's too late. You need to start behaving in a way that won't result in you needing to apologize.  You will get there. But today...today you are going home." 

She huffed and puffed a bit, needing to save face (peeing a bit on the carpet) but calmed down.  When she left she had to have the last word, and said she would not be back tomorrow.  I told her I looked forward to seeing her in the morning.  (Threatening to not return is also one of her strategies...to get what she wants...) 

It is hard to be a hard ass... but...  my gut is telling me I need to be that way with her right now... she has so much potential... but... she is so on the fence about whether she is going to live above or below the line... and I am going to do my best to show her she is worth the effort to get and stay above the line...

(We have an approach with kids at our school that we have implemented this year... we call it living above the line... it is about living with integrity, doing the right thing, even when nobody is watching... and teaching kids that their behaviors are really messages they are giving to the world about who they are... we tell kids you can make mistakes..it's how you react to making those mistakes that matters...the changes you make in the future... and about how you make things right... ) 

This kid... man oh man... when she graduates... and I believe she will... she will have so much for which she will and should be proud... but... she is going to be one of those kids who causes me to lose sleep... but in the end... I believe she will know why I am doing what I am doing... and... I believe she will appreciate it...

Some thoughts... about refugees...

Those who know me would not be surprised that I am feeling pretty passionate about the issue of refugees...  I get infuriated by the news stories of rich, white, republican men saying that 'allowing' refugees into OUR country...is wrong...
I wasn't going to put much on here about my thoughts on the matter, but then this video showed up in my facebook feed... and it hits close to home... in a lot of ways...

These... 'refugees' are kids... kids who need a safe place to grow up, to live, to learn, to experience life... and for people (mostly white men) to say we will or will not allow people into this country... I think... YOUR white ass ancestors were not 'allowed' tom come to this country... they forced their way here, forced religious beliefs on people, and bringing violence and bullying... OUR country? A country that refuses people in need, people who are escaping violence and oppression, is not MY country... so because preventing refugees from coming to America is not what every American believes... it is not OUR belief... MY country and YOUR country believe in different things... so the idea of OUR...just doesn't fit.  Stop saying that you are speaking for all Americans...

About a week and a half ago I took one of my students to an appointment.  He is 18 and needed to see a lawyer.  He is a student who struggles to get to school on a regular basis... he is here... in Maine... alone... and is meeting with lawyers to get his green card... this kid, MY student... is one of the kids who made headlines in 2014 who left his Central American country to come to the United States.  He left his parents and siblings... so get here... he has one older brother here, which is why he has been allowed to be here... how did he get here? he walked.  He WALKED... for three months... He said he saw people along the way dead on the ground... people he was walking with fall, pass out, and some die...just to get here...
His English is SO much better than my Spanish... which is actually his second language... and as we drove to the appointment and waited to meet with the lawyer, we talked... about our families... about where we grew up... he misses his country... but talked about how scary it was there... how much violence there is... how he worries about his siblings and his parents who are still there... and here, his priority... is to work, to get paid... to be able to send money to his family to support them... he is not here to do harm... he is less harmful than most politicians including Maine's governor... and some of the presidential candidates... yet HE is the one who should not be 'ALLOWED' to be here? BULLSHIT. 
I walked a couple of half marathons.. have walked some 10ks and 5ks... but I did so with knowing this was a choice, and it would end after, at most, a few hours... this kid walked for 3 months... he is so polite... so grateful for the help we give him... and for those cynical people, the help I am referring to is not financial ... it is support, emotionally... and for welcoming him... His face lights up when he sees me now.. after we had that time that day to get to share a bit of our lives with each other... I showed him photos of my family, of Mt. Katahdin... and when he saw my mountain he said how beautiful it was, that its lushness reminded him of home and said he and I had things in common because we appreciate that kind of beauty... I showed him a picture of a moose and he now wants to see one in person...
When the lawyer asked if he wanted me to be listed as a contact he said no because he said, I have done so much for him already and he didn't want me to have to do more... He calls the town in which he lives, HIS town... he attends OUR school... and he said, he doesn't know why people in Maine are so nice and so helpful and care so much for him...but that he loves it and is so thankful... 
Isn't THAT what will end terrorism? Caring for each other?
Maybe I am being Polyanna-ish about it... but... The kids who are in my school, SEVERAL who are labeled refugees... are part of our community... They enhance the community and culture... in so many ways... students (not labeled refugees) come to me... to make sure that our refugee students are eating, understanding the meal plans at the cafeteria, reporting hate that they hear and wanting to make sure there are efforts to end that thinking... (Fortunately we have few incidents of hate to report...)  having these students, these kids, these 'refugees'  in our school, allows our other students to be compassionate, to learn about acceptance, about different areas of the world...

It makes me so sad to think that these kids and for some of them, their families, would not be allowed to be here...
I take my student back to see the lawyer later this month... and I think he will have to go to court in Boston eventually... I doubt I will make that trip with him, but... if he needs someone to go... it really isn't that far...

Ho ho Ho...

I love having people over!  Last night I had my first Christmas party at my house!  It was so much fun.  I was worried I was going to have to cancel the bash because I had been sick Thursday night into Friday, but after about 36 hours of pretty much uninterrupted sleep I felt better... and since I had already done most of the prep work for the party, AND because I felt better, I decided to keep the party as scheduled...and am glad I did.  

I made some sugar cookies... I had never actually made sugar cookies from scratch... but found a recipe while I was at the lake for Thanksgiving and it is a GREAT recipe.  I had made the dough last weekend...and put it in the fridge.  I cut out the cookies yesterday morning  and did the decorating.  It was fun.  I will definitely make these cookies again.  They were easy and delicious!  (A new holiday tradition!) 

My first guest to arrive was SANTA!  Oh wait.. that is not the REAL Santa... that is my friend Meg \.. I had not seen her in a long time.  She had not yet been to my house and it was nice to be able to have some time with her before other folks arrived.  She helped me cut up some cheese and veggies... then other people started arriving... (I think there were 18 people that stopped by..) 

I had set up a photo booth area with props and one of my friends brought this frame, decorated so well... it became the prop of the party.  I didn't manage to get everyone's picture who was in attendance, but I got a lot of them...

Here is  a photo of my former coworkers and I... fun group!  I am glad so many of them came over!! 

This is my friend Sheila and her hubby... Sheila is a sweetheart.. she has some crazy stories to tell, that may seem unbelievable... but this lady has crazy luck!

This is me with my former secretary... she is a sweetheart!  she brought the frame for us all to use and she made cupcakes!

These two... make me SMILE!  I used to work with these two.  They are about as good of guys as you can get!

This is one of my college roommates and her beau... So cool to have her still in my life after all this time! 

Me, Kris, and Suellen!  They are sisters (in case you cannot tell) and are so cute... and short!  But we look pretty cute all together. 

Suellen and hubby!

Me & Santa... I mean, Meg...

A couple of my neighbors stopped by too, and that was so fun!  I am glad to live in a place where I have GREAT neighbors. 

I LOVE having people over... Even though I did not make as much food as I had planned... there was PLENTY... I didn't eat much because I hadn't eaten anything except a couple of pieces of toast since Thursday night... so didn't want to take any chances... 

After the majority of people left, a few of us hung around and played Cards Against Humanity... that game is soooo inappropriate... and sooo funny... 

Excited to host my next party... but... need to do some writing for the book before I get too far!