Titleless

I have no idea what this post is about... I didn't even put anything in the title for the post yet... but perhaps by the end of this post that will change.

This year has been very trying for me professionally...  so much so that it has been hard to enjoy the aspects of my job that I love.  And outside of work... so much is happening... the book is out and we have so many events... I still love my house and I have added Gladys to the mix.  So... there is a lot of good... and yet I can't seem to get as excited as I think I should be... I have days where I don't want to go to work... days where I have no desire to see other people... now before you get worried about whether or not I am in a state of depression...I'm not... I am stressed... I have a lot of anxiety... and am exhausted at the end of most days... and because of all the book stuff, I don't have much time to paddle which is what I need right now...

Add on to that allergies... man oh man are they bad right now.

There are twenty something days left until the kids are on summer vacation... about that many until my oldest nephew graduates.  How CRAZY is that?! I am so incredibly proud of him...

So what is it that is really eating at me? I wish I knew all that was there... I know some.. but I also know it is deeper than I am aware of right now... and will surface at some point... What's on the surface now is... the work stuff... I am working with someone who is angry... someone whose belief system is so opposite of mine.... someone who doesn't fulfill responsibilities.... whose principles are ones I don't understand... I guess it's more than not understanding... I cannot even begin to comprehend them...

The things I stand for... are things he probably cannot comprehend. 

I hate being unhappy at work.  Besides making the day to day uncomfortable... it scares me.   The last time I was unhappy at work I made the move from teacher to administrator... because I was unhappy with the way things were being done... I was unhappy with the priorities that other people ranked higher and lower than I did... So maybe part of this is wondering if this is where I am supposed to be... and it it isn't... what next?

My direct supervisor is someone for whom I have had a lot of respect... but there have been defining moments this year that were opportunities for him to take a stand, to say what matters, to define our priorities which support our philosophy... which I thought was shared.   Perhaps I have found some holes in his armor? There have been times when his inaction has caused self doubt in me in a way I have not experienced in a long time. 

I depend on my instincts for sooo much of my job.  I trust my gut... and I believe people when they show me who they are...

I sat on the interview committee to hire this guy... and went with experience over heart... saw potential in him and believed that he could possibly become a working partnership for a long time.  He had the answers right... polished... canned... and had so much experience... So after working with him for a short time I began seeing things with which I struggled... enter self doubt.  I reflected on it... tried to talk to him about it... and was dismissed... was told, under the guise of jesting, that I was single because I was one of those women who refuse to submit and serve... and though it caused a visceral reaction in me and my witty response was that at the end of the one year position he should re-submit his application for the full time job and I would serve on the interview committee...

When I shared that I advised a student to purchase pregnancy tests at the pharmacy and not at the dollar store he commented that my advice should be trusted as it was coming from someone who has probably needed to take several of them over the years... and in the moment I was taken aback and was able to say that those words were not okay and were sexual harassment... and while said in front of my supervisor (also HIS supervisor) and another colleague, both men, neither supported me and told him he was out of line...

Enter doubt.... not just about him... but about my supervisor not having my back...

At a dance he made derogatory comments about a transgender student and anticipated I would support his perspective and I set him straight about that but stressed all night that if that kid was harassed or hurt that his response would be, 'what did that kid expect  would happen dressing like that?'   When I reported that to my supervisor along with some other concerns about that event... again his response was underwhelming... enter doubt... does he condone the behavior of this person?

The interviews. Lots of things were discussed...people had opposing views... some had such strong support for him that I questioned how on earth that could be the case... and my supervisor didn't step up in the way I had hoped...

As I reflected on that process doubt entered my mind... was I wrong about him? Were there things that I was seeing that really were inaccurate? Was he the right fit for this job? Which, if he was, meant that I was SOOO in the wrong place... I began to doubt my experiences.... and then began thinking about them... not just my interactions with him... but the way he was with kids, with certain staff... how he interacted with men so differently than he did with women... how he rolled his eyes every time people talked about LGBTQ students... how he demanded things of people simply because of his position... how he told me he needed a letter of recommendation from me and expected I would do so...glowingly I am sure...(instead of asking if I would...)  I thought about his reluctance to call parents about certain issues, and despite that he has made a difference with some kids... he is not the right person for this job...

But through this process... it has me wondering if it is the right place for me.  If so many people supported him... thought he was the right fit... do they see me as the wrong fit? Or do they think he and I were similar? (I surely hope not!) 

Since learning he did not get the job he held for a year, a job for which he did not attempt to go above and beyond... he has ignored me... which in some ways is a huge relief... but when it has to do with the safety of students/staff, and me... I am not okay. 

I send information about my discomfort to my supervisor and don't get a response for a couple of days... and have to seek him out to ask about it to get a response... my supervisor has let this guy off the hook for things he is supposed to be doing... in the process telling me he will be there to cover in his absence... then shows up 20 minutes late... which... at this particular event could have been a big deal.  And I was left holding the bag... alone... again...

So.... I think my head is moving away from the guy having been the wrong guy...  and wondering if my supervisor is someone I can work with... scares me...

I have worked with him, my supervisor... for four years... and 3 out of the 4 years have been good... last year was great... but I think a lot of that had to do with the person who was my work partner and the dynamic between the three of us.... it really was a dream team... and when the other guy left... it was like we knew we needed to 'get through' this year... and not really hoping to make progress...

which should have told us something...right away...

A former colleague and mentor of sorts... told me I wold 'know' when I was ready to move into a principalship instead of an assistant principal.  I don't think I am ready... but if I need change... what would that mean? leaving a community I love?

Or.... do I stay...(I will stay for this coming year at least... ) and see how things unfold... work hard to see if things can get stronger... after they have been fractured...  take back my school... fight to get it to where I know it can be?

I can't not fight.... it's not who I am... but I am tired.  I feel like I fought every day this year...

I need a break.   I need time... away from him... time without him contaminating my workspace... withouth im samming his door multiple times a day... without him ignoring my radio calls... without him being a good ol boy...

and in the meantime... while the light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger...brighter.... I will enjoy the book stuff... and find ways to take care of myself... though I am not certain of how that will happen... but I need to make it happen...

Twenty something days.... until my professional life does not include him...

and then....

Just an update...

It's been a long time since I wrote here... I was reminded of that this week when  a friend came to visit and casually mentioned that I hadn't done an update in a while...

It's not for lack of material, of things to write about.  There has been A LOT going on... life has been busy... mostly good busy... with some stress mixed in there as well. 

A big change that has happened since my last post is that Gladys has become a part of my life. 
Meet Gladys:

Gladys just turned 1... she is a rescue pup, they think part Australian shepherd, part pyranese.  She is a good pup... we have a lot of work to do together.  Need more time for training.  She learns quickly but also is a bit ADHD, so it has some challenges.  She came home on January 20th...  Getting a dog was a big decision for me.  I wanted something else in my life ... and as the book came together I have been looking ahead and hope that perhaps we will get the chance to do a second book.  If we do that I would need to paddle in places that are a bit further from home and I like the idea of having a small camper to take along on the adventures... and as much as I am a strong woman, sometimes too independent... the idea of camping alone, in the middle of the woods is a little daunting... So I envisioned having a dog with me that would alert me to 'things that go bump in the night.'  I also had been working to get myself to be more active again.. something many of you know I struggle with... and I knew  a dog would need to be out, walking, and she is a young, active dog and needs walking.  We walk most mornings and every night.  We have missed a few days because of crazy weather, but overall I am much more active.  She is a good companion.  I would not yet say I am a dog person, in that I love every dog, but I am falling in love with her...slowly, as we build trust between us. 

My dad had back surgery in February... that was a biiiig deal.  He has suffered with back pain for years... it had gotten progressively worse.. and he had been unable to do much of anything.  Dad is the strongest man I know... and to have seen him suffer so much has been hard.  In order to have surgery he had to get approval from his cardiologist... and that involved A LOT of back and forth with communication to the cardiologist and the back surgeon in Boston.  But... we got there... in the midst of crazy snowstorms.  Dad was nervous before the surgery... I was nervous... and even though Dad had assured me that the surgery was his choice, I felt a high level of responsibility for it.. and for it going well.  Throughout the surgery my sister, stepmom, and I sat in a waiting area... a nice area as far as waiting rooms go... I watched closely as other families waited...and doctors came in to talk with them... we saw some families get good news, "Everything went well..." and then there was one family... who were asked to join the doctor in a separate room... and were in there for a while... and as the doctor left the closed room I caught a glimpse of the family... obviously in shock, obviously had not received good news... and it made my stomach turn... remembering that feeling... when Mom went in for surgery to remove her kidney.. we knew she had cancer... but had been told the doctor would remove the kidney, hence removing the cancer... but life doesn't go according to plan... and once opened up... it was inoperable... so as we sat there waiting for dad's surgery to be over I relived some of the moments of the past... and hoping that Dad's doctor would not ask us to step into a separate room with him... Sis noticed as well... and we chatted a bit about it... so... with the help of our stepmom, Betty, we arranged the table so that there was an open chair at the table, plenty of room for the doctor to sit, and not need to take us into the 'other room.'  After several hours Dad's doctor came out... and we got a good report!  Things went according to plan and he had done a little more than he had expected to... and he was off... we waited until Dad was in recovery and I was so relieved to see him.  I wasn't sure if he could tell whether or not he felt any different, but he made it out of surgery and the relief I felt in that moment... was colossal.  Eventually we got Dad into his room and when we were talking with him... he said that he could feel his legs... that they were not numb... which had been the case for the better part of two years... As he said that I remember holding back tears... if nothing else... to give him that relief... the surgery was worth it.  It has been a couple of months... and he is going great.  He is still recovering of course...and needs to be mindful of what he does... but... he is better!  So much better...

Around the same time as Dad had surgery I lost someone very dear to me...Debbie.  She was 42 and cancer took her from us... from her son, from her husband... 42... it makes no sense... I got some quality time with her before she died... got to tell her I loved her and hear that she loved me... I am so glad that there is a picture of her and her family in my book... I should have done some writing as this was happening... but... it was a time that was so incredibly crazy I was working to get through the days... 

The book stuff is moving along well!  It's interesting.. I assumed our publisher would be pretty aggressive with getting out books into stores, but what I am finding is that I have, we have, to push and need to show people the product and advocate to get the book out.  It has been cool to meet some new people through having done the book.  On Friday we met with a local woman who has a strong online presence and we spent two and a half hours talking with her about the book.  She is so excited about it, personally, and to be able to share it with people.  It was great!  Validating and encouraging.  It was fun... I think the fun part is starting... and I look forward to it.  I also stopped in to meet the owners of a local bookstore where we ill be doing an event.  That was fun.  They were so incredibly sweet and so supportive about the book.  So far the feedback has all been incredibly positive.  I just hope we make some sales!  The book has pushed me a bit... to start thinking about some other opportunities... and I have decided to start selling some of my photographs... I have been encouraged to do it in the past, but hadn't...found excuses... no time to do it, no money to print pictures and mat them to look more professional... but... since I have the book, and need and want to sell some of the books myself... (I bought a bunch of the books at a significant discount and can sell them on my own...)   It's exciting...to think about selling things that I hope others find beauty in... but... what if they don't sell? There is a lot of self doubt as well.  But... the hope outweighs the doubt... so... we shall see what happens.   I am hoping that I meet some new people through this process...

The book being finished has felt amazing!  Getting it in my hands was a very cool feeling.  A lot of work has gone into it... and I am very proud of the finished product! 

Work... I have a lot of stories.. but a lot of the stories are ones that involve being very frustrated this year.  It has been a tough time for me.  The work with the kids is still good.. I really enjoy the connections I have with the kids... and parents... the frustration this year has not been related to that... there have been days where I get up and feel a bit under the weather... and I do not push myself to go to work... I talk myself into staying home... I have needed some mental health days... to tolerate some of the frustrations... I will write about it at some point... but it doesn't seem like the right time... and I am in my head a lot about it...

This week has been vacation week.  I wasn't sure what the week would hold, but I REALLY wanted... no...needed to get out in my kayak.  I had Friday off last week and put the kayak on the truck and headed out, hoping to go to one of my favorite spots and the spot I have gone to first in the last few years... but... the lake was still frozen!  So... I went elsewhere and did get on the water.  It was great to be in my boat.  It is hard to explain to people what that actually does for me... the way that it settles me... it was great.  I got on the water again on Monday with my friend Rico who came from Denver to visit.  It was great to take him out kayaking for his first time.  I never know, when I take people out, how they will react... it is something I truly love, truly crave and need... but it isn't that way for everyone.  Some people like it as a way to work out... some as a way to socialize... and some to see things they don't otherwise get to see.  While I appreciate all of those reasons, for me it is deeper...  Some people like being on the water for a little bit... and then can say they did it.  So, I wasn't sure what to expect with Rico.  He had shared that he was a water person who had canoed when he was younger... but, who knew whether or not it would be something he really liked.  I was pleasantly surprised.  He took to is really easily!  Once he found his balance and learned that he needed to relax a bit to keep balanced (if that isn't  a life lesson!)  he did really well.  I could recognize it in him... the 'it' being the appreciation of it... he 'gets' it in a way that some people don't...  Rico and I are similar in many ways... we both NEED time alone... and need time to process things... we both could be called control freaks... and both have intense jobs... He understands that the time in my kayak, for me, is how I center myself, how I escape the other things in my life... and how I can be in the moment and find beauty in things I see from my boat.   As we paddled there was some conversation, but also moments of no conversations... just the sun, the wind, and the sounds of the pond.  It was great to see him relax, to see him let go of some other things.... and be...  I feel like he 'got it' in a way others have not...  Our visit was really nice.  Time to catch up... we took a trip to my hometown.  It was a cool experience to take him there and show him around... where I grew up... pointing out where we had street dances, where I went to high school, where I lived... and to have him meet Dad and Betty. Rico knows how much my dad means to me... and how much I value the relationship I have with him... Dad knows that Rico was there for me when mom was sick, dying, and after she died, in a way that none of my other friends could be... because he understood...understood too well.  I am forever grateful to him for having the ability to use his grief and painful experiences to help me... having been on that side of things... understanding all too well, the process of losing a parent..and becoming the person who 'gets it'... and can offer comfort to someone else simply because I had experienced it... and also knowing that no matter how much of my experience I could share to help other people know someone else really gets it... all the while bringing everything from my experience to the surface.  I know that as Mom got sicker... when she died... and Rico was there for me... it triggered him... and he was still willing to go there with me... Our friendship has always been strong... but... I think the deaths of our mothers brought us closer and provide a connection to one another that other people don't...can't...understand.  We are similar, Rico and me, in many ways... I am grateful for our friendship.  Thank you!  (I hope you return this summer for more paddling and perhaps a ride on the pontoon boat!)

Eight years.   This week marked eight years since mom's death.  I continue to miss her.  I continue to get angry at cancer for taking her life.  It still doesn't make sense to me why this happened... why she died at 56 years old... but it did.  The book...dedicated to her... is something I think she would be very proud of... something I think she would really love... and I know that without her...and without her death, it would not have happened... I think that she would be proud of us... me, Sis, and Dad... for so many things... I think Dad having back surgery, feeling some relief, improving the quality of his life... is something for which she would be very proud...and happy. 


So... I would say... overall, life is good right now...the spring will be busy with book stuff and also my oldest nephew graduates from high school!  How is that possible? It's funny how time is measured... I am so proud of him... for who he is...and how hard he works...

So... that is that, for now.  Stay tuned.