It's not for lack of material, of things to write about. There has been A LOT going on... life has been busy... mostly good busy... with some stress mixed in there as well.
A big change that has happened since my last post is that Gladys has become a part of my life.
Meet Gladys:
My dad had back surgery in February... that was a biiiig deal. He has suffered with back pain for years... it had gotten progressively worse.. and he had been unable to do much of anything. Dad is the strongest man I know... and to have seen him suffer so much has been hard. In order to have surgery he had to get approval from his cardiologist... and that involved A LOT of back and forth with communication to the cardiologist and the back surgeon in Boston. But... we got there... in the midst of crazy snowstorms. Dad was nervous before the surgery... I was nervous... and even though Dad had assured me that the surgery was his choice, I felt a high level of responsibility for it.. and for it going well. Throughout the surgery my sister, stepmom, and I sat in a waiting area... a nice area as far as waiting rooms go... I watched closely as other families waited...and doctors came in to talk with them... we saw some families get good news, "Everything went well..." and then there was one family... who were asked to join the doctor in a separate room... and were in there for a while... and as the doctor left the closed room I caught a glimpse of the family... obviously in shock, obviously had not received good news... and it made my stomach turn... remembering that feeling... when Mom went in for surgery to remove her kidney.. we knew she had cancer... but had been told the doctor would remove the kidney, hence removing the cancer... but life doesn't go according to plan... and once opened up... it was inoperable... so as we sat there waiting for dad's surgery to be over I relived some of the moments of the past... and hoping that Dad's doctor would not ask us to step into a separate room with him... Sis noticed as well... and we chatted a bit about it... so... with the help of our stepmom, Betty, we arranged the table so that there was an open chair at the table, plenty of room for the doctor to sit, and not need to take us into the 'other room.' After several hours Dad's doctor came out... and we got a good report! Things went according to plan and he had done a little more than he had expected to... and he was off... we waited until Dad was in recovery and I was so relieved to see him. I wasn't sure if he could tell whether or not he felt any different, but he made it out of surgery and the relief I felt in that moment... was colossal. Eventually we got Dad into his room and when we were talking with him... he said that he could feel his legs... that they were not numb... which had been the case for the better part of two years... As he said that I remember holding back tears... if nothing else... to give him that relief... the surgery was worth it. It has been a couple of months... and he is going great. He is still recovering of course...and needs to be mindful of what he does... but... he is better! So much better...
Around the same time as Dad had surgery I lost someone very dear to me...Debbie. She was 42 and cancer took her from us... from her son, from her husband... 42... it makes no sense... I got some quality time with her before she died... got to tell her I loved her and hear that she loved me... I am so glad that there is a picture of her and her family in my book... I should have done some writing as this was happening... but... it was a time that was so incredibly crazy I was working to get through the days...
The book stuff is moving along well! It's interesting.. I assumed our publisher would be pretty aggressive with getting out books into stores, but what I am finding is that I have, we have, to push and need to show people the product and advocate to get the book out. It has been cool to meet some new people through having done the book. On Friday we met with a local woman who has a strong online presence and we spent two and a half hours talking with her about the book. She is so excited about it, personally, and to be able to share it with people. It was great! Validating and encouraging. It was fun... I think the fun part is starting... and I look forward to it. I also stopped in to meet the owners of a local bookstore where we ill be doing an event. That was fun. They were so incredibly sweet and so supportive about the book. So far the feedback has all been incredibly positive. I just hope we make some sales! The book has pushed me a bit... to start thinking about some other opportunities... and I have decided to start selling some of my photographs... I have been encouraged to do it in the past, but hadn't...found excuses... no time to do it, no money to print pictures and mat them to look more professional... but... since I have the book, and need and want to sell some of the books myself... (I bought a bunch of the books at a significant discount and can sell them on my own...) It's exciting...to think about selling things that I hope others find beauty in... but... what if they don't sell? There is a lot of self doubt as well. But... the hope outweighs the doubt... so... we shall see what happens. I am hoping that I meet some new people through this process...
The book being finished has felt amazing! Getting it in my hands was a very cool feeling. A lot of work has gone into it... and I am very proud of the finished product!
Work... I have a lot of stories.. but a lot of the stories are ones that involve being very frustrated this year. It has been a tough time for me. The work with the kids is still good.. I really enjoy the connections I have with the kids... and parents... the frustration this year has not been related to that... there have been days where I get up and feel a bit under the weather... and I do not push myself to go to work... I talk myself into staying home... I have needed some mental health days... to tolerate some of the frustrations... I will write about it at some point... but it doesn't seem like the right time... and I am in my head a lot about it...
This week has been vacation week. I wasn't sure what the week would hold, but I REALLY wanted... no...needed to get out in my kayak. I had Friday off last week and put the kayak on the truck and headed out, hoping to go to one of my favorite spots and the spot I have gone to first in the last few years... but... the lake was still frozen! So... I went elsewhere and did get on the water. It was great to be in my boat. It is hard to explain to people what that actually does for me... the way that it settles me... it was great. I got on the water again on Monday with my friend Rico who came from Denver to visit. It was great to take him out kayaking for his first time. I never know, when I take people out, how they will react... it is something I truly love, truly crave and need... but it isn't that way for everyone. Some people like it as a way to work out... some as a way to socialize... and some to see things they don't otherwise get to see. While I appreciate all of those reasons, for me it is deeper... Some people like being on the water for a little bit... and then can say they did it. So, I wasn't sure what to expect with Rico. He had shared that he was a water person who had canoed when he was younger... but, who knew whether or not it would be something he really liked. I was pleasantly surprised. He took to is really easily! Once he found his balance and learned that he needed to relax a bit to keep balanced (if that isn't a life lesson!) he did really well. I could recognize it in him... the 'it' being the appreciation of it... he 'gets' it in a way that some people don't... Rico and I are similar in many ways... we both NEED time alone... and need time to process things... we both could be called control freaks... and both have intense jobs... He understands that the time in my kayak, for me, is how I center myself, how I escape the other things in my life... and how I can be in the moment and find beauty in things I see from my boat. As we paddled there was some conversation, but also moments of no conversations... just the sun, the wind, and the sounds of the pond. It was great to see him relax, to see him let go of some other things.... and be... I feel like he 'got it' in a way others have not... Our visit was really nice. Time to catch up... we took a trip to my hometown. It was a cool experience to take him there and show him around... where I grew up... pointing out where we had street dances, where I went to high school, where I lived... and to have him meet Dad and Betty. Rico knows how much my dad means to me... and how much I value the relationship I have with him... Dad knows that Rico was there for me when mom was sick, dying, and after she died, in a way that none of my other friends could be... because he understood...understood too well. I am forever grateful to him for having the ability to use his grief and painful experiences to help me... having been on that side of things... understanding all too well, the process of losing a parent..and becoming the person who 'gets it'... and can offer comfort to someone else simply because I had experienced it... and also knowing that no matter how much of my experience I could share to help other people know someone else really gets it... all the while bringing everything from my experience to the surface. I know that as Mom got sicker... when she died... and Rico was there for me... it triggered him... and he was still willing to go there with me... Our friendship has always been strong... but... I think the deaths of our mothers brought us closer and provide a connection to one another that other people don't...can't...understand. We are similar, Rico and me, in many ways... I am grateful for our friendship. Thank you! (I hope you return this summer for more paddling and perhaps a ride on the pontoon boat!)
Eight years. This week marked eight years since mom's death. I continue to miss her. I continue to get angry at cancer for taking her life. It still doesn't make sense to me why this happened... why she died at 56 years old... but it did. The book...dedicated to her... is something I think she would be very proud of... something I think she would really love... and I know that without her...and without her death, it would not have happened... I think that she would be proud of us... me, Sis, and Dad... for so many things... I think Dad having back surgery, feeling some relief, improving the quality of his life... is something for which she would be very proud...and happy.
So... I would say... overall, life is good right now...the spring will be busy with book stuff and also my oldest nephew graduates from high school! How is that possible? It's funny how time is measured... I am so proud of him... for who he is...and how hard he works...
So... that is that, for now. Stay tuned.
