I have no idea what this post is about... I didn't even put anything in the title for the post yet... but perhaps by the end of this post that will change.
This year has been very trying for me professionally... so much so that it has been hard to enjoy the aspects of my job that I love. And outside of work... so much is happening... the book is out and we have so many events... I still love my house and I have added Gladys to the mix. So... there is a lot of good... and yet I can't seem to get as excited as I think I should be... I have days where I don't want to go to work... days where I have no desire to see other people... now before you get worried about whether or not I am in a state of depression...I'm not... I am stressed... I have a lot of anxiety... and am exhausted at the end of most days... and because of all the book stuff, I don't have much time to paddle which is what I need right now...
Add on to that allergies... man oh man are they bad right now.
There are twenty something days left until the kids are on summer vacation... about that many until my oldest nephew graduates. How CRAZY is that?! I am so incredibly proud of him...
So what is it that is really eating at me? I wish I knew all that was there... I know some.. but I also know it is deeper than I am aware of right now... and will surface at some point... What's on the surface now is... the work stuff... I am working with someone who is angry... someone whose belief system is so opposite of mine.... someone who doesn't fulfill responsibilities.... whose principles are ones I don't understand... I guess it's more than not understanding... I cannot even begin to comprehend them...
The things I stand for... are things he probably cannot comprehend.
I hate being unhappy at work. Besides making the day to day uncomfortable... it scares me. The last time I was unhappy at work I made the move from teacher to administrator... because I was unhappy with the way things were being done... I was unhappy with the priorities that other people ranked higher and lower than I did... So maybe part of this is wondering if this is where I am supposed to be... and it it isn't... what next?
My direct supervisor is someone for whom I have had a lot of respect... but there have been defining moments this year that were opportunities for him to take a stand, to say what matters, to define our priorities which support our philosophy... which I thought was shared. Perhaps I have found some holes in his armor? There have been times when his inaction has caused self doubt in me in a way I have not experienced in a long time.
I depend on my instincts for sooo much of my job. I trust my gut... and I believe people when they show me who they are...
I sat on the interview committee to hire this guy... and went with experience over heart... saw potential in him and believed that he could possibly become a working partnership for a long time. He had the answers right... polished... canned... and had so much experience... So after working with him for a short time I began seeing things with which I struggled... enter self doubt. I reflected on it... tried to talk to him about it... and was dismissed... was told, under the guise of jesting, that I was single because I was one of those women who refuse to submit and serve... and though it caused a visceral reaction in me and my witty response was that at the end of the one year position he should re-submit his application for the full time job and I would serve on the interview committee...
When I shared that I advised a student to purchase pregnancy tests at the pharmacy and not at the dollar store he commented that my advice should be trusted as it was coming from someone who has probably needed to take several of them over the years... and in the moment I was taken aback and was able to say that those words were not okay and were sexual harassment... and while said in front of my supervisor (also HIS supervisor) and another colleague, both men, neither supported me and told him he was out of line...
Enter doubt.... not just about him... but about my supervisor not having my back...
At a dance he made derogatory comments about a transgender student and anticipated I would support his perspective and I set him straight about that but stressed all night that if that kid was harassed or hurt that his response would be, 'what did that kid expect would happen dressing like that?' When I reported that to my supervisor along with some other concerns about that event... again his response was underwhelming... enter doubt... does he condone the behavior of this person?
The interviews. Lots of things were discussed...people had opposing views... some had such strong support for him that I questioned how on earth that could be the case... and my supervisor didn't step up in the way I had hoped...
As I reflected on that process doubt entered my mind... was I wrong about him? Were there things that I was seeing that really were inaccurate? Was he the right fit for this job? Which, if he was, meant that I was SOOO in the wrong place... I began to doubt my experiences.... and then began thinking about them... not just my interactions with him... but the way he was with kids, with certain staff... how he interacted with men so differently than he did with women... how he rolled his eyes every time people talked about LGBTQ students... how he demanded things of people simply because of his position... how he told me he needed a letter of recommendation from me and expected I would do so...glowingly I am sure...(instead of asking if I would...) I thought about his reluctance to call parents about certain issues, and despite that he has made a difference with some kids... he is not the right person for this job...
But through this process... it has me wondering if it is the right place for me. If so many people supported him... thought he was the right fit... do they see me as the wrong fit? Or do they think he and I were similar? (I surely hope not!)
Since learning he did not get the job he held for a year, a job for which he did not attempt to go above and beyond... he has ignored me... which in some ways is a huge relief... but when it has to do with the safety of students/staff, and me... I am not okay.
I send information about my discomfort to my supervisor and don't get a response for a couple of days... and have to seek him out to ask about it to get a response... my supervisor has let this guy off the hook for things he is supposed to be doing... in the process telling me he will be there to cover in his absence... then shows up 20 minutes late... which... at this particular event could have been a big deal. And I was left holding the bag... alone... again...
So.... I think my head is moving away from the guy having been the wrong guy... and wondering if my supervisor is someone I can work with... scares me...
I have worked with him, my supervisor... for four years... and 3 out of the 4 years have been good... last year was great... but I think a lot of that had to do with the person who was my work partner and the dynamic between the three of us.... it really was a dream team... and when the other guy left... it was like we knew we needed to 'get through' this year... and not really hoping to make progress...
which should have told us something...right away...
A former colleague and mentor of sorts... told me I wold 'know' when I was ready to move into a principalship instead of an assistant principal. I don't think I am ready... but if I need change... what would that mean? leaving a community I love?
Or.... do I stay...(I will stay for this coming year at least... ) and see how things unfold... work hard to see if things can get stronger... after they have been fractured... take back my school... fight to get it to where I know it can be?
I can't not fight.... it's not who I am... but I am tired. I feel like I fought every day this year...
I need a break. I need time... away from him... time without him contaminating my workspace... withouth im samming his door multiple times a day... without him ignoring my radio calls... without him being a good ol boy...
and in the meantime... while the light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger...brighter.... I will enjoy the book stuff... and find ways to take care of myself... though I am not certain of how that will happen... but I need to make it happen...
Twenty something days.... until my professional life does not include him...
and then....
