Titleless

I have no idea what this post is about... I didn't even put anything in the title for the post yet... but perhaps by the end of this post that will change.

This year has been very trying for me professionally...  so much so that it has been hard to enjoy the aspects of my job that I love.  And outside of work... so much is happening... the book is out and we have so many events... I still love my house and I have added Gladys to the mix.  So... there is a lot of good... and yet I can't seem to get as excited as I think I should be... I have days where I don't want to go to work... days where I have no desire to see other people... now before you get worried about whether or not I am in a state of depression...I'm not... I am stressed... I have a lot of anxiety... and am exhausted at the end of most days... and because of all the book stuff, I don't have much time to paddle which is what I need right now...

Add on to that allergies... man oh man are they bad right now.

There are twenty something days left until the kids are on summer vacation... about that many until my oldest nephew graduates.  How CRAZY is that?! I am so incredibly proud of him...

So what is it that is really eating at me? I wish I knew all that was there... I know some.. but I also know it is deeper than I am aware of right now... and will surface at some point... What's on the surface now is... the work stuff... I am working with someone who is angry... someone whose belief system is so opposite of mine.... someone who doesn't fulfill responsibilities.... whose principles are ones I don't understand... I guess it's more than not understanding... I cannot even begin to comprehend them...

The things I stand for... are things he probably cannot comprehend. 

I hate being unhappy at work.  Besides making the day to day uncomfortable... it scares me.   The last time I was unhappy at work I made the move from teacher to administrator... because I was unhappy with the way things were being done... I was unhappy with the priorities that other people ranked higher and lower than I did... So maybe part of this is wondering if this is where I am supposed to be... and it it isn't... what next?

My direct supervisor is someone for whom I have had a lot of respect... but there have been defining moments this year that were opportunities for him to take a stand, to say what matters, to define our priorities which support our philosophy... which I thought was shared.   Perhaps I have found some holes in his armor? There have been times when his inaction has caused self doubt in me in a way I have not experienced in a long time. 

I depend on my instincts for sooo much of my job.  I trust my gut... and I believe people when they show me who they are...

I sat on the interview committee to hire this guy... and went with experience over heart... saw potential in him and believed that he could possibly become a working partnership for a long time.  He had the answers right... polished... canned... and had so much experience... So after working with him for a short time I began seeing things with which I struggled... enter self doubt.  I reflected on it... tried to talk to him about it... and was dismissed... was told, under the guise of jesting, that I was single because I was one of those women who refuse to submit and serve... and though it caused a visceral reaction in me and my witty response was that at the end of the one year position he should re-submit his application for the full time job and I would serve on the interview committee...

When I shared that I advised a student to purchase pregnancy tests at the pharmacy and not at the dollar store he commented that my advice should be trusted as it was coming from someone who has probably needed to take several of them over the years... and in the moment I was taken aback and was able to say that those words were not okay and were sexual harassment... and while said in front of my supervisor (also HIS supervisor) and another colleague, both men, neither supported me and told him he was out of line...

Enter doubt.... not just about him... but about my supervisor not having my back...

At a dance he made derogatory comments about a transgender student and anticipated I would support his perspective and I set him straight about that but stressed all night that if that kid was harassed or hurt that his response would be, 'what did that kid expect  would happen dressing like that?'   When I reported that to my supervisor along with some other concerns about that event... again his response was underwhelming... enter doubt... does he condone the behavior of this person?

The interviews. Lots of things were discussed...people had opposing views... some had such strong support for him that I questioned how on earth that could be the case... and my supervisor didn't step up in the way I had hoped...

As I reflected on that process doubt entered my mind... was I wrong about him? Were there things that I was seeing that really were inaccurate? Was he the right fit for this job? Which, if he was, meant that I was SOOO in the wrong place... I began to doubt my experiences.... and then began thinking about them... not just my interactions with him... but the way he was with kids, with certain staff... how he interacted with men so differently than he did with women... how he rolled his eyes every time people talked about LGBTQ students... how he demanded things of people simply because of his position... how he told me he needed a letter of recommendation from me and expected I would do so...glowingly I am sure...(instead of asking if I would...)  I thought about his reluctance to call parents about certain issues, and despite that he has made a difference with some kids... he is not the right person for this job...

But through this process... it has me wondering if it is the right place for me.  If so many people supported him... thought he was the right fit... do they see me as the wrong fit? Or do they think he and I were similar? (I surely hope not!) 

Since learning he did not get the job he held for a year, a job for which he did not attempt to go above and beyond... he has ignored me... which in some ways is a huge relief... but when it has to do with the safety of students/staff, and me... I am not okay. 

I send information about my discomfort to my supervisor and don't get a response for a couple of days... and have to seek him out to ask about it to get a response... my supervisor has let this guy off the hook for things he is supposed to be doing... in the process telling me he will be there to cover in his absence... then shows up 20 minutes late... which... at this particular event could have been a big deal.  And I was left holding the bag... alone... again...

So.... I think my head is moving away from the guy having been the wrong guy...  and wondering if my supervisor is someone I can work with... scares me...

I have worked with him, my supervisor... for four years... and 3 out of the 4 years have been good... last year was great... but I think a lot of that had to do with the person who was my work partner and the dynamic between the three of us.... it really was a dream team... and when the other guy left... it was like we knew we needed to 'get through' this year... and not really hoping to make progress...

which should have told us something...right away...

A former colleague and mentor of sorts... told me I wold 'know' when I was ready to move into a principalship instead of an assistant principal.  I don't think I am ready... but if I need change... what would that mean? leaving a community I love?

Or.... do I stay...(I will stay for this coming year at least... ) and see how things unfold... work hard to see if things can get stronger... after they have been fractured...  take back my school... fight to get it to where I know it can be?

I can't not fight.... it's not who I am... but I am tired.  I feel like I fought every day this year...

I need a break.   I need time... away from him... time without him contaminating my workspace... withouth im samming his door multiple times a day... without him ignoring my radio calls... without him being a good ol boy...

and in the meantime... while the light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger...brighter.... I will enjoy the book stuff... and find ways to take care of myself... though I am not certain of how that will happen... but I need to make it happen...

Twenty something days.... until my professional life does not include him...

and then....

Just an update...

It's been a long time since I wrote here... I was reminded of that this week when  a friend came to visit and casually mentioned that I hadn't done an update in a while...

It's not for lack of material, of things to write about.  There has been A LOT going on... life has been busy... mostly good busy... with some stress mixed in there as well. 

A big change that has happened since my last post is that Gladys has become a part of my life. 
Meet Gladys:

Gladys just turned 1... she is a rescue pup, they think part Australian shepherd, part pyranese.  She is a good pup... we have a lot of work to do together.  Need more time for training.  She learns quickly but also is a bit ADHD, so it has some challenges.  She came home on January 20th...  Getting a dog was a big decision for me.  I wanted something else in my life ... and as the book came together I have been looking ahead and hope that perhaps we will get the chance to do a second book.  If we do that I would need to paddle in places that are a bit further from home and I like the idea of having a small camper to take along on the adventures... and as much as I am a strong woman, sometimes too independent... the idea of camping alone, in the middle of the woods is a little daunting... So I envisioned having a dog with me that would alert me to 'things that go bump in the night.'  I also had been working to get myself to be more active again.. something many of you know I struggle with... and I knew  a dog would need to be out, walking, and she is a young, active dog and needs walking.  We walk most mornings and every night.  We have missed a few days because of crazy weather, but overall I am much more active.  She is a good companion.  I would not yet say I am a dog person, in that I love every dog, but I am falling in love with her...slowly, as we build trust between us. 

My dad had back surgery in February... that was a biiiig deal.  He has suffered with back pain for years... it had gotten progressively worse.. and he had been unable to do much of anything.  Dad is the strongest man I know... and to have seen him suffer so much has been hard.  In order to have surgery he had to get approval from his cardiologist... and that involved A LOT of back and forth with communication to the cardiologist and the back surgeon in Boston.  But... we got there... in the midst of crazy snowstorms.  Dad was nervous before the surgery... I was nervous... and even though Dad had assured me that the surgery was his choice, I felt a high level of responsibility for it.. and for it going well.  Throughout the surgery my sister, stepmom, and I sat in a waiting area... a nice area as far as waiting rooms go... I watched closely as other families waited...and doctors came in to talk with them... we saw some families get good news, "Everything went well..." and then there was one family... who were asked to join the doctor in a separate room... and were in there for a while... and as the doctor left the closed room I caught a glimpse of the family... obviously in shock, obviously had not received good news... and it made my stomach turn... remembering that feeling... when Mom went in for surgery to remove her kidney.. we knew she had cancer... but had been told the doctor would remove the kidney, hence removing the cancer... but life doesn't go according to plan... and once opened up... it was inoperable... so as we sat there waiting for dad's surgery to be over I relived some of the moments of the past... and hoping that Dad's doctor would not ask us to step into a separate room with him... Sis noticed as well... and we chatted a bit about it... so... with the help of our stepmom, Betty, we arranged the table so that there was an open chair at the table, plenty of room for the doctor to sit, and not need to take us into the 'other room.'  After several hours Dad's doctor came out... and we got a good report!  Things went according to plan and he had done a little more than he had expected to... and he was off... we waited until Dad was in recovery and I was so relieved to see him.  I wasn't sure if he could tell whether or not he felt any different, but he made it out of surgery and the relief I felt in that moment... was colossal.  Eventually we got Dad into his room and when we were talking with him... he said that he could feel his legs... that they were not numb... which had been the case for the better part of two years... As he said that I remember holding back tears... if nothing else... to give him that relief... the surgery was worth it.  It has been a couple of months... and he is going great.  He is still recovering of course...and needs to be mindful of what he does... but... he is better!  So much better...

Around the same time as Dad had surgery I lost someone very dear to me...Debbie.  She was 42 and cancer took her from us... from her son, from her husband... 42... it makes no sense... I got some quality time with her before she died... got to tell her I loved her and hear that she loved me... I am so glad that there is a picture of her and her family in my book... I should have done some writing as this was happening... but... it was a time that was so incredibly crazy I was working to get through the days... 

The book stuff is moving along well!  It's interesting.. I assumed our publisher would be pretty aggressive with getting out books into stores, but what I am finding is that I have, we have, to push and need to show people the product and advocate to get the book out.  It has been cool to meet some new people through having done the book.  On Friday we met with a local woman who has a strong online presence and we spent two and a half hours talking with her about the book.  She is so excited about it, personally, and to be able to share it with people.  It was great!  Validating and encouraging.  It was fun... I think the fun part is starting... and I look forward to it.  I also stopped in to meet the owners of a local bookstore where we ill be doing an event.  That was fun.  They were so incredibly sweet and so supportive about the book.  So far the feedback has all been incredibly positive.  I just hope we make some sales!  The book has pushed me a bit... to start thinking about some other opportunities... and I have decided to start selling some of my photographs... I have been encouraged to do it in the past, but hadn't...found excuses... no time to do it, no money to print pictures and mat them to look more professional... but... since I have the book, and need and want to sell some of the books myself... (I bought a bunch of the books at a significant discount and can sell them on my own...)   It's exciting...to think about selling things that I hope others find beauty in... but... what if they don't sell? There is a lot of self doubt as well.  But... the hope outweighs the doubt... so... we shall see what happens.   I am hoping that I meet some new people through this process...

The book being finished has felt amazing!  Getting it in my hands was a very cool feeling.  A lot of work has gone into it... and I am very proud of the finished product! 

Work... I have a lot of stories.. but a lot of the stories are ones that involve being very frustrated this year.  It has been a tough time for me.  The work with the kids is still good.. I really enjoy the connections I have with the kids... and parents... the frustration this year has not been related to that... there have been days where I get up and feel a bit under the weather... and I do not push myself to go to work... I talk myself into staying home... I have needed some mental health days... to tolerate some of the frustrations... I will write about it at some point... but it doesn't seem like the right time... and I am in my head a lot about it...

This week has been vacation week.  I wasn't sure what the week would hold, but I REALLY wanted... no...needed to get out in my kayak.  I had Friday off last week and put the kayak on the truck and headed out, hoping to go to one of my favorite spots and the spot I have gone to first in the last few years... but... the lake was still frozen!  So... I went elsewhere and did get on the water.  It was great to be in my boat.  It is hard to explain to people what that actually does for me... the way that it settles me... it was great.  I got on the water again on Monday with my friend Rico who came from Denver to visit.  It was great to take him out kayaking for his first time.  I never know, when I take people out, how they will react... it is something I truly love, truly crave and need... but it isn't that way for everyone.  Some people like it as a way to work out... some as a way to socialize... and some to see things they don't otherwise get to see.  While I appreciate all of those reasons, for me it is deeper...  Some people like being on the water for a little bit... and then can say they did it.  So, I wasn't sure what to expect with Rico.  He had shared that he was a water person who had canoed when he was younger... but, who knew whether or not it would be something he really liked.  I was pleasantly surprised.  He took to is really easily!  Once he found his balance and learned that he needed to relax a bit to keep balanced (if that isn't  a life lesson!)  he did really well.  I could recognize it in him... the 'it' being the appreciation of it... he 'gets' it in a way that some people don't...  Rico and I are similar in many ways... we both NEED time alone... and need time to process things... we both could be called control freaks... and both have intense jobs... He understands that the time in my kayak, for me, is how I center myself, how I escape the other things in my life... and how I can be in the moment and find beauty in things I see from my boat.   As we paddled there was some conversation, but also moments of no conversations... just the sun, the wind, and the sounds of the pond.  It was great to see him relax, to see him let go of some other things.... and be...  I feel like he 'got it' in a way others have not...  Our visit was really nice.  Time to catch up... we took a trip to my hometown.  It was a cool experience to take him there and show him around... where I grew up... pointing out where we had street dances, where I went to high school, where I lived... and to have him meet Dad and Betty. Rico knows how much my dad means to me... and how much I value the relationship I have with him... Dad knows that Rico was there for me when mom was sick, dying, and after she died, in a way that none of my other friends could be... because he understood...understood too well.  I am forever grateful to him for having the ability to use his grief and painful experiences to help me... having been on that side of things... understanding all too well, the process of losing a parent..and becoming the person who 'gets it'... and can offer comfort to someone else simply because I had experienced it... and also knowing that no matter how much of my experience I could share to help other people know someone else really gets it... all the while bringing everything from my experience to the surface.  I know that as Mom got sicker... when she died... and Rico was there for me... it triggered him... and he was still willing to go there with me... Our friendship has always been strong... but... I think the deaths of our mothers brought us closer and provide a connection to one another that other people don't...can't...understand.  We are similar, Rico and me, in many ways... I am grateful for our friendship.  Thank you!  (I hope you return this summer for more paddling and perhaps a ride on the pontoon boat!)

Eight years.   This week marked eight years since mom's death.  I continue to miss her.  I continue to get angry at cancer for taking her life.  It still doesn't make sense to me why this happened... why she died at 56 years old... but it did.  The book...dedicated to her... is something I think she would be very proud of... something I think she would really love... and I know that without her...and without her death, it would not have happened... I think that she would be proud of us... me, Sis, and Dad... for so many things... I think Dad having back surgery, feeling some relief, improving the quality of his life... is something for which she would be very proud...and happy. 


So... I would say... overall, life is good right now...the spring will be busy with book stuff and also my oldest nephew graduates from high school!  How is that possible? It's funny how time is measured... I am so proud of him... for who he is...and how hard he works...

So... that is that, for now.  Stay tuned. 

'Tis the Season

Well... it's day six... of a hundred... and today was a winter wonderland.  The weather forecast had predicted crazy weather and I had gone shopping last night with anticipation of spending the whole day at home, watching holiday movies and doing some holiday treat making... I was very excited to sleep in this morning... a plan that was thwarted by a group text I have going with a couple of my friends who are also doing the 100 day challenge.  This morning's text was from Sara... she had gotten up early to get to the gym, hoping to beat the worst of the storm... she lives about 15 minutes from her gym, maybe 20... and when she got there...she had forgotten her sneakers!  She was a bit frustrated...headed home and ended up doing yoga with her daughter... I tried going back to sleep after getting her text, but...shockingly it was hard for me to turn off my brain...which often happens once it is awake. 

So, how's the hundred day challenge going? Well, so far so good.  I have hit the gym a few times using the elliptical machine and stationary bike... did some strength training and core work here at home one night using some new exercise equipment I had ordered a while ago but had not opened yet... and one night of pacing... I had to go to a hockey game for work and didn't have time between an after school meeting, a chiropractor appointment, and the game... so, I paced...back and forth for about 40 minutes... and I am counting it!  So.. I am six for six... so far so good.  It is tempting to not do it, as there are so many other things to do, including non active things like scrolling through social media!  But... I think my body already feels better.  I have a long way to go, but it's a start. 

Today I thought I would likely end up doing some strength training at home again...but this morning as I was being lazy I chose to watch a movie I found on Amazon Prime called "I Miss You Already."  I didn't read the description, just saw that one of the main characters was Drew Barrymore.  I like her..on and off the screen.  She seems to be one of the famous people who, after going through a bit of a wild stretch, 'gets it,' seems down to earth if you will.  The movie started out with Drew's character in the hospital getting ready to give birth...with nobody in the room with her except a nurse... eventually she says that she wishes 'Millie' was there... and that's where the story really began.  Flashbacks... of two little girls growing up together... a coming of age story... and the best friend, Millie, is diagnosed with cancer.  Breast Cancer. 

I should have shut it off at that point.  I didn't.  I watched it the whole way through... and, as cancer does in real life, it killed Millie... and Drew's character was there through it all, watching her friend die... it was heart wrenching... There were parts of it where I caught myself saying things like, how did they get her skin to look that color, that cancer color... or turn off the damn movie... I found myself sobbing through most of the ending... Not the most uplifting of things to watch on a day where I wanted to feel all Christmas-y. 

So  I looked at the roads... pretty well plowed...looked at my driveway...not plowed at all... and decided it was a good idea for me to go out.  Yesterday at work I received a check, a very generous check, from a business who wanted to do something to help people in their community have a good Christmas.  One of their employees is a parent of a kid at my school and she had heard about the food pantry/clothing closet I started and wanted the donation to go to that... (How great is that?!)  As it works out we have some families who have reached out to us, families who are afraid they cannot provide a Christmas for their kids because of their financial situation... so, I decided that the donated money should go to providing gifts under the tree... I also decided that it would go towards things that were practical... mostly clothing... I also bought wrapping paper and bows because I want the parents to wrap the gifts for their kids... Maybe that's a bit too idealistic, but my hope is that if they wrap the presents they feel more a part of the process...

It was a bit more challenging than I had anticipated... I am not up to date on the newest fashion and what teenagers may want to wear, but I had some lists to go from, provided by parents... and decided to get the items, plus a few more given what I know about the kids... One specified item was a winter coat, a specific brand and color... and I didn't think I would find it, but I did!  It was a bit pricey, but... it will be a nice surprise for this student... I don't think there will be expectations of actually getting it!  Part of me can't wait to see this student come into school, wearing it... So... the shopping excursion worked!  I felt very cheerful and happy to be able to spend money (someone else's money) knowing it will help people! 

As I was driving around I was paying close attention to how my truck was handling the roads.  This is the first winter I have had a truck with four wheel drive.  I hadn't missed it... I hadn't had it since I lived with my parents.. and luckily did fine, but there is a huge difference.  I know, without the 4wd, I would have had many moments of fishtailing... I definitely had more confidence driving in the snow today! 

After shopping I headed home by way of the gym... part of me was hoping the gym had closed due to the weather...sometimes I look for excuses... but to my chagrin it was open, with PLENTY of parking...  so I went in... I didn't do a crazy workout... but did enough to count in this challenge...  just enough...

I have been less active (besides kayaking this spring/summer/fall) for the last year or so than I need to be... and I know if I push too hard at this point I will hate the 100 day challenge, which I don't want to do... I really want to be successful, want to get into good habits as spring approaches... and hping to lose some weight too... need to look sharp for the book signings!

I was supposed to be away tonight... visiting my friend Meg.  But the storm canceled those plans... which... turned out okay.  I decided to have my first fire of the season.  It looks lovely and is kicking out some good heat!  The cats are sleeping upstairs and despite me bringing them down to try to convince them they would love to be by the fire, they have decided my bed is more comfortable.  So they are upstairs and I am not. 

I have always been a cat person.  Have always had cats.  Growing up we had a huge male tiger cat, Sammy.  He was one of a kind.  My sister and I dressed him up in our doll clothes and he let us.  He was a cat that loved attention and when he was especially affectionate would lick mine and my sister's ears. Weird? Yes... he would not do it to anyone else.  It was so strange, but we welcomed it.  As an adult I have had a few cats.. starting with Bear and Tess... Bear died early and I got Reuben... he also died young... Tess was a shy girl and I wanted her to have a friend... so I adopted Stella...  and after a while because I was crazy added Lucy and Sheldon to the mix... so at one point I had four cats... (Which is too many to have at once...at least for me, but we made it work...) then Tess got sick and we lost her... putting me down to 3 cats... Stella ended up needing a special diet and the vet said all the cats could eat the same food... which they did... then Sheldon got sick and was so sick I thought I was going to have to put him down, but ended up taking him back to the shelter where I had adopted him.  (At their request.)  Turns out he has a form of irritable bowel disease that is hard to manage... so hard that he is not adoptable from the shelter... unless one of the shelter volunteers decide to take him home... he acts as their Walmart greeter...which is perfect for him... but I feel really guilty for giving him up.  At the time I was renting and he was making messes that were ruining the carpets so I really didn't have a choice...

Since buying the house I have wanted a dog... I'm not sure why... I am allergic to dogs... though I have only ever had one reaction to them... (being in a vehicle in which a dog spent a lot of time, lots of hair and dander, without being cleaned out... it was winter so the windows were up and the air blowing the heat was not helping... so I had an asthma attack. )  Knowing I was 'allergic' to dogs, I have been reluctant to be too friendly with my friends' dogs... but the last couple years that my sister had her pug, I warmed up to him... Peepers was a good dog... and when he was older and not hyper I enjoyed him.  But there is something about a house that says I should have a dog...

Growing up we had a poodle, that I barely remember... but my grandparents...they had a dog, Mandy, that I adored.  This is us...

Gosh she was a good dog!  She lived in a house on a busy road and yet never went out into the road... no fences, no electric collar... just smart...and well trained I suppose.  She stayed in the yard, even if she was left at the house by herself.  The only exception was when she would walk the path that connected my grandparents property to our house... and she would sit at the edge of our property and whine.  The ONLY times this happened was when she had been left alone and there was going to be a thunderstorm.  She could sense it and hated them... so she would come to our house.  We would let her inside and enjoy her company until the storm passed or my grandparents came to get her.  I remember laying on the floor with her, using her as a pillow.  She was a great dog. 

I have been looking online at dogs.. lots of dogs... shelters all over Maine and looking at the websites of many rescue organizations...and there have been some dogs that look so cute that I have been tempted to get one of them... but... should I have a dog? Can I offer the care dogs deserve? Am I willing to have an animal that is much higher maintenance than cats? An animal I can't leave home alone for a weekend? Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I keep looking at pictures... Plus... a friend of mine has beautiful labs... last year they had a huge litter of puppies, one of whom I fell in love with, Emma!  Had she not been spoken for at the time of our meeting, that little lady may have been mine.  And... my friend may breed her dogs again in the spring and told me I could have first choice on the female pups... tempting...  why do I want a dog? Well.. I think that a dog would force me to walk more, to be more active... and there are times I think a dog would be good company, in a different way than the cats are.  I think about going on a camping trip (need a camper!)  where I could get away for a few days or a week, to find spots to kayak... or if I end up writing a second book, it would be great to plant myself somewhere for a while as I researched new places... but I think having a dog would make that more fun...

So I started thinking about having a dog on a trial basis... thought about asking some of my friends if they would let me borrow their dogs... but that felt weird... so I am looking into fostering dogs.  The local shelter has a description on their website... says that they need foster placements for dogs, puppies through senior dogs... for various reasons and with various commitments... it sounds like there are some dogs in need of weekend placements because there are less staff members present in the shelter on the weekends and some dogs really need people... there are some dogs who have been surrendered by their family and have never lived in a shelter environment and don't do well in that setting... and need a quieter place to be.  It is appealing to me, the idea of an older dog, who is calm, and cat friendly of course... and if I can have some say over when I can take a dog... it sounds like a perfect set up... the shelter pays for all food and medical needs... and I provide the TLC... and if I decide I am in need of a dog, I will move forward in that pursuit... if not, well... I won't.  Chances are this will be something that gets the dog thing out of my system... but perhaps it is more than that...

I do my foster training tomorrow at the shelter... I am not sure what to expect, but... looking at my fire tonight... it would be kind of nice to see a dog warming its belly in front of it! 

1/100

Weight is something that people view differently...handle differently... and approach differently... it's something my mother battled...probably daily... at least until the end of her life... I remember she told me to not worry about what I ate, about my weight...because life is too short... it was one of the many topics we talked about towards the end of her life. 

She battled her weight for as long as she could remember...sharing that one of her first memories in which she felt body conscious was when her mother told her that something she was wearing made her look like the broad side of a barn... she vowed, when she had kids, that we would not be told we were fat, or that something made us look big... that we would not be told what we could and could not eat...   and I think Mom stayed true to that... no matter the consequence...

As women we all remember things growing up, things that made us aware of our bodies and how they compared to those around us... I have always been the 'big girl.'  Whether it was the refs in the basketball games, men who saw me when I was walking the mall with my friends, or pretty much any stranger with whom I came into contact... I was the big girl...

My parents are/were big people... so they knew, when I was born at almost two feet long (23"...not kidding) and over ten pounds, that I too would be big... They worked hard, as I have shared before, to make sure I was confident... and I think, for the most part I have lived my life with confidence... in most areas at least. 

While I knew I was bigger, height and weight wise, than all my friends... it didn't bother me that much... I was so significantly taller than all of my peers that it made sense that I was bigger... so not being able to share clothes with my friends didn't seem like a big deal...

As an adult... I have always been overweight... there was a period of time when I had lost a lot of weight and I felt great... I was smaller than I was in high school... and had worked hard to get there.  It was at a time when my mom and sister were also working to be healthy and the three of us were killing it! 

Then I had all my knee stuff.. and in the three years it took to diagnose me properly I gained all the weight back, plus some... then knee surgery yada yada yada... and I have had some weight loss, but it always finds me again... and in the last couple of years, with my focus being on the book... I had a great excuse to not make my weight... a priority... but... that needs to change.  I am not healthy... well not as healthy as I need to be.  So... today I try to start again.. with being healthier... and am once again taking the one hundred day challenge... 100 days in a row in which I am active for 30 minutes... exercise for 30 minutes... it can be walking, or weight/resistance training...anything really that involves moving my body for 30 minutes...

So today I went to the gym... which was easy because it was a snow day and I didn't have to work.  It will be harder when I have to work... But.. I want to do this, need to do this... the last time I did the 100 day challenge and really stuck with it.. I lost 60 lbs... that would be great... because 100 days from today is March 21... which puts us in spring...when book signings will be popping up... and I want to feel good at those events...

So... I am 1/100 of the way to this goal...

hoping it is the beginning of some needed changes...

"I can't just not do something..."

Hello again.. it has been a while since I wrote for a reason other than the book... now that the book seems to be squared away I have been doing a little more writing... but haven't been public about what I have been writing... it hasn't been much... just some journaling of sorts which may or may not end up in letters... but... I think that I need to start blogging again... writing for writing or maybe to get thoughts out of my head in a way that may be a bit more productive than spouting on social media.. though there is a lot to spout about... But.. I will save politics for another post...though it may come through in subtle ways here politics is not my intended focus. 

I have been pissy since the election...(not politics, I promise) I have been struggling... with a lot of things... the election, trying to understand how a human who represents what he represents could get elected.... and have been struggling with some things at work... adjusting to a new work partner has been a challenge....especially since my last partner in crime at work was such a good fit... He and I do not see eye to eye on things... handle things in different ways... and I consider myself to be good at reading people... and he... he is a hard read... Earlier in the year I was ready to put up all kinds of walls of my own (ok, maybe that is a slight political reference...), walls between me and him... At first I really worked to make him feel welcome, to offer support, and to be a team player... despite that I found myself expending a lot of energy on him... on trying to involve myself in situations when he was talking with kids because I felt like his approach perhaps alienated some kids who were already feeling like outsiders... and it took a toll on me... I was run down... was sick a lot and had some mornings where going to work didn't motivate me to get out of bed... (Not that I wake up every morning thrilled to head to work, but... it was different than just wanting to sleep in...)  after much effort and energy I didn't feel like anything was changing so I gave myself permission to not have to like him... to not have to be on alert to jump in to save him from himself...(he specifically has asked me to help keep him out of the headlines...)  and it worked a little... then... I had a day where I was feeling really burdened by some resentment... towards a couple of people at work..and decided to put on my big girl panties and address them... the first conversation, with someone else, went well..and I felt like I could take on something else... so... I approached him... and we had a good conversation... I walked away feeling good about it...not because I thought it would change things, but because I had said my peace...

And... since then... coincidentally perhaps or perhaps not... he has seemed to shift a bit... I have gone from thinking he is a buffoon to thinking that he does care about kids...he doesn't show it in the same way I do or how other people do.. but he does care... and the kids or issues he seems to struggle with seem to be because of unfamiliarity or discomfort with the situations, not from lack of desire to help... he is not a person I have any desire to spend time with outside of work...which is sad in a way... (even though I had  made efforts to invite him to a couple of things...before I gave myself permission not to...)

Overall this school year has been calmer than the last few....(I hope I didn't just curse myself...)  Days have been busy, but manageable... there have been a lot going on with a small number of kids... sadly more mental health related than behavior related... not that I prefer behavior issues, but... the kids who are behaving badly are at least finding an outlet for their emotions... but the kids who are facing mental health stuff... are very concerning...

This is my 19th year in public education... 20th year of my career...(How can that possibly be??)  And I keep thinking that the sand in the hourglass is running out in one specific area... it is inevitable...I fear... that I will 'lose' one of my students... that someone will die, be killed in an accident, or kill themselves... few educators go through their whole career without having that experience... I feel lucky that in 20 years I have not yet had to attend the funeral of a student...

Technically you could say that that 20 year run ended recently... a former student, a kid I did not know well... took their life... a very sad story...which of course with suicide, goes without saying... the student was in school recently enough that some of our current students have been effected... but not to the same degree had this person been a current student... one of our current students, however...is being effected...big time...probably more than anyone else except perhaps for the parents... the current student is a sibling...

The sibling is a kid with whom I have had very little contact... so... it is a tough situation of knowing how to approach it... I haven't wanted to call the student to my office to say "hey kid I haven't really spoken to before, sorry about what happened, I'm here if you need me..."  While I want to be there... I also don't want the student to feel like there is an even bigger spotlight being shined... as I am certain that feeling is already there...

The universe can sometimes be...confusing... I cannot imagine how this sibling is feeling... I would be in the corner curled up in the fetal position, likely unresponsive, if one of my sisters committed suicide... and I am an adult...(Most days!) 

So.. towards the end of the day (the end of a crazy day when I was in the midst of looking at video, trying to find kids, and responding to a teacher's request for assistance in removing a kid from his class....) this sibling was in the office and asked if I had time to talk.  How could I not say yes? But I couldn't say yes at that moment... and somehow in that moment had a conscious thought of "treat this student 'normally'..."  (There's that word I hate so much...'normal.')  ..... so I said I was on my way to deal with something ( I was the only administrator in the building this afternoon) but that I wanted to talk  and asked if waiting to see me was an option or  if talking right after school was possible.  After school was the better option...

So...after the bell this sibling showed up and we talked... the student was unsure if I knew about what had happened... so somehow had the strength to tell me ... "I'm the sibling of the student who died recently...from unfortunate circumstances..."  I acknowledged I knew and shared a fond memory I had... the student then said to me... I want to start a program here... and I wanted to come to you to see if I could start talking to other people about it and named a couple of specific teachers who could be involved... " The conversation continued... the program is a music program... an after school program for kids to explore music, to learn more about music, maybe learn an instrument, and to find other kids who like music.  The goal being to offer something for kids who may not otherwise have a peer group... a way for kids who are highly at risk to make connections... that music is a universal way for people to relate... this student wants to do this in the sibling's honor... has researched an organization that can help with it... and said that this is  a way to channel the grief because doing nothing is not an option...

I was in awe... while knowing that at some point this kid will likely crash and will need to be in the fetal position... somehow... and I don't know how.. somehow this kid has not been paralyzed....instead is taking action... eventually wanting to be able to share this experience, share the sibling's story, with other kids, younger kids, and wants to be very involved with a group at our school already in existence to  that tries to offer support to kids around substance use...

I could barely hold back the tears... with watery eyes I said, 'YES, absolutely yes... I will support you in this effort and do whatever I need to do.  We will need to talk about some of the logistics, but YES... I will help you start a program that can be a way to help other kids like your sibling... in any way I can...'  And I was able to say that I was inspired by this... impressed with the strength it must take... and the response was simple... ' I can't just not do something...'

Wow. 

I can't just not do something...

Applies to so many things... (Yes, this DOES relate to current politics... I can't just not do something, say something.....but obviously it is way bigger...)

I was also able to weave in wanting to be a support person for this student and feel that I could now call the student into my office to talk, to check in, and it wouldn't be out of the blue....

Back to the universe...

This conversation happened this afternoon... this morning I participated in an event at a nearby school...where kids and adults shared stories to inspire, increase awareness, and remind us of our humanity... and got to see a student, so eloquent, speak about her battle with depression...her battle with suicidal thinking...about her losses...of two very close friends who did commit suicide... and thought about how brave she was for being vulnerable and sharing herself with the rest of us... It was a strong reminder about being transparent with kids... with the language we use... to be direct, to not ignore signs, to recognize that people want help...

So... I suppose today, for me... was about perspective...
I have so much in my life that is good... I am a fortunate person... I have stress, often a lot of stress... not always the kind of stress that causes me to be explosive or reactive... (though there was an event a few weeks ago where I absolutely lost my crap on someone in a public place... but that's another post..maybe!)  And while I am happy with so much in my life... it's okay to feel down about things... including work...and while work has been difficult this year... I love what I do... being able to see kids who have every right to shut out the world... instead choose to knock down some walls...

Exhausted

Writing a book is hard work... and writing a book with a co-author... I believe is even harder...in ways.  I am so grateful for my writing partner... I truly am, but we are very different in how we operate.  In ways she is a lot more methodical than I am... which is so helpful because we are making sure that we are providing accurate information... but we are at a point where we are in a time crunch... and overthinking it, just isn't helpful.  (Yes... I recognize the irony in me saying someone else's overthinking is not helpful!) 

This process has been interesting...I have learned a lot...and while I now have an idea of how this process works... I am not sure I am up for doing this again any time soon....Though I would love to find many more places to paddle... and know now that we are doing this/have done this... it will be hard in ways for me to paddle in a new place without wondering if I should keep track of it somewhere just in case we are asked to do another...

Our publisher is out of state... and it has been entertainingly frustrating that they do not understand some of the things we want to emphasize.  But we are getting through it.

I am exhausted. 

We got the manuscript back from the publisher and copy editor on June 1.  We are supposed to have it back by June 15th.. but because work has been so crazy with end of the year stuff... I negotiated a few extra days should we need them.  I am hoping we don't... I NEED this t be done.  Need this phase to be over so I can shut down fr a bit... honestly, it is wearing on me.  Going to work each day, getting there by 6:45 (later than my usual 6:30) coming home between 4 and 6 then working on the book for 5 or 6 hours only to get up and repeat that... for almost two weeks... is exhausting.  (Plus my weekends have been consumed by this...when not at awards banquets r graduation...)  My goal is to have everything done  and sent by mid week so I can get away this weekend.  I want.. I need to head to the lake to see Dad and Betty.  And I want that visit to be book work free!  So I am lighting a fire under my writing partner. 

I know I will appreciate this, once that book is out...but the timing has been hard... bring on the fun part... the getting sample pages in the mail and saying Yes, or going to book signings, or talking to people who also love kayaking... That's where I want to be... (and getting to the point where we re making money... I don't anticipate to get rich with this book, but I want to be able to sell enough books to cover the advances we got...so I can then feel like I can use that money!)

Time for bed!  

Big House View...

Yesterday felt like summer!  Temperatures were well into the 70s and I got my first sunburn of the season.  Fortunately I had on a long sleeved shirt so the only places that got burned were my hands, parts of my neck, and my legs... and not a bad burn, but enough to remind me to actually apply the sunscreen that I carry with me on my kayaking adventures.  Turns out it works best when applied!

Yesterday morning I met up with my writing partner and two of my friends/former coworkers for a paddle on the New Meadows River in Brunswick.  I was a bit nervous not having been there before and knowing it was tidal.  We needed to get some photos from this location for the book... and while I trust that my writing partner chose places that are safe for paddlers of all levels, actually going to them, paddling them, makes me feel more confident that our trips are similar and makes me feel even more certain that this book is going to be great!  So, there were four of us paddling together.  Not long after we put in our boats I spotted a jellyfish... I have seen tiny jellyfish near docks but this one was about four inches across and it was so cool!  Later in our paddle we were in a cove like area and my writing partner beckoned me to see if I could get some photos of some jellyfish as she was surrounded.  I joined her and just sat in my kayak and as the ripples from my paddling faded I could see lots of jellyfish, ranging in size from about an inch in diameter to maybe five... they were so cool!  As it turns out the photos from my camera were better than the ones from my camera to see them.  If the water was calm enough we could see the jellies surfacing a bit... it was so fun.  I got some great photos and got some time with people I had not seen since Christmas... it was awesome.

After paddling and loading up my gear... (confession... I loaded my kayak onto my truck myself... I needed to see if I could do it... and I was able to... of course my friends discouraged me, but... it was time to see and if I had felt discomfort I would have stopped, but I did it... I don't think I am yet at the point where I could load and unload multiple times in one day, but... once a day is fine right now.  Really... I promise! It is exciting because I know now that I can go solo if I want to... and I plan on doing some trips soon that are not included in the book...to keep my blog viewers entertained and coming back.)

Anyway, as I was saying... after paddling we all went our separate ways... but on my way home I called my writing partner and asked if we should try to get photos from some of our other locations that were close by since the weather was so nice.  She thought it would be a good idea, so we spent the afternoon darting from launch to launch and getting some great shots... We contemplated having my writing partner get in her boat and paddle a bit for the photo opps, but we were able to get some good shots without needing to do that.  And.. as it worked out there were some kayakers just putting in at one of the launch sites, so I was able to get pics of them that I think we can use.

One of the launch sites is so picturesque. It's what many people think of when they think of Maine... rocky shore, seaweed, a lobster boat moored in the harbor with a dock where lobster boats come to sell their catch... Here is one of the photos... (Not the best photo of the area, as that is being submitted for the book!) 

As we walked around this area there was music blaring from a house at the end of the point.  The music was awesome, perfect for a summer soundtrack including James Taylor... it was fantastic!  There were some extravagant homes close to this launch, even a large bed and breakfast that overlooks this area... as we drove away from the launch site we passed a very tiny mobile home... on a road, aptly named, "Big House View Rd."  That made me smile... these people (at least in my mind) live in a very small, very run down trailer, yet chose the name of their road to be The Big House View... immediately I thought to myself... They get it!  You don't have to live in one of those huge multi million dollar homes to enjoy the view... you just have to appreciate things... appreciate the view you have... and it got me thinking about kayaking... (I know.. shocking!) 

I thought about it as it relates to kayaks for a few reasons... I 'follow' different kayaking groups on social media.  There are posts once in a while where people talk about what kind of kayaks are 'the best.'  And... it sparks a lot of controversy.  The people in the group are from all over the world, and I assume, from all different backgrounds including, I imagine, various financial abilities.   Some people post things about their rigs that cost thousands of dollars... some discourage people from buying 'cheap' kayaks at the big box stores.... that's when the controversy is sparked... People feel judged for having a kayak that is not rated as top performers or the most efficient... and I would have to agree...
As much as I kayak...as much as I know about beautiful places to kayak in this area... I don't know about the best gear... and frankly.. I don't care.  My kayak is, to me, priceless.  It is the kayak that Mom used...that she loved.  She wanted a red kayak and she got it!  She got it because it was comfortable and stable... something she could do on her own or with people... a way for her to enjoy the beauty by which she was surrounded... being able to have her kayak... regardless of whether or not it is heavier than other boats, less efficient, or whatever... is invaluable to me as is the opportunities it affords me to be on the water.  Without spending money other than what it takes for gas to get to beautiful locations... this activity is free to me.  And I get to see so many 'Big House Views...'  from so many pristine bodies of water.  As I paddle I often see Big Houses... that are not being used.  Million dollar homes in some cases that show no signs of life... no boats along their dock, no chairs outside, no signs of use... and here I am, paddling by those beautiful, empty houses... that are not homes... I do not have a house on a river, on a lake, or hanging over a seaside cliff...but what I know.. is that I enjoy this area, the water in this area, much more than the people who own those houses, but don't 'live' there...

As we were out yesterday we saw this couple... in a beach buggy one would expect to see in California in the 60s... Bright yellow... a cross between a jeep and a dune buggy with two surf boads on top... inside this beach mobile was a couple... probably in their 70s... with smiles the size of the Gulf of Mexico... He was driving, wearing a bright  yellow hawaiian style shirt... she was wearing... well I am not sure, but on her head she had a kerchief to protect her hairdo I am sure.. and hanging form the mirror was a barbie dressed as a mermaid... these two were vibrant, full of life... and stopped to talk with us as they passed, probably seeing how enchanted we were with their ride... the man was so proud, telling us how he built it himself, had just added some wood to the door, and when I asked if he used the surfboards on top, they chuckled... He confessed they were there to add to their look... that only one of the two were real surfboards, the one over his side of the roof.  the other was one he had fabricated to look real.  He said that was her surf board, but that it wouldn't float and told us not to tell...

They were so cute!  You could just tell that they love cruising around in that thing.  (Truthfully she probably has several moments of eye rolling when her husband is spinning his stories, but she also, I could tell, was enamored with the man who was driving her around in his buggy.)  Clearly this rig was a labor of love and clearly they are living their life... Definitely not a mercedes or  a BMW, but to them...priceless... they definitely have the "Big House View" life philosophy...


I think... the name of that street articulates for me, much of what I believe about life.  I don't have to love on the ocean to find beauty in it.  I don't look at those million dollar homes and think I wish I had that.... nope... what I think about is how lucky I am to be able to put my kayak on my truck and go... go to any place where I can safely paddle and see what I can see.  That being said, if someone were to GIVE me a house on a body of water... I would likely not refuse....but... it's about having those moments where you have the Big House View...because of who you are, who you are with, and what it is you appreciate...

Some people on those kayaking groups name their kayaks... like people name their yachts... and I have considered it... and toyed around with names that would pay homage to Mom... incorporating something she would like... and nothing, thus far has resonated with me... But... perhaps  "Big House View" would be appropriate...

Paddling season is here... and life is good!