"I can't just not do something..."

Hello again.. it has been a while since I wrote for a reason other than the book... now that the book seems to be squared away I have been doing a little more writing... but haven't been public about what I have been writing... it hasn't been much... just some journaling of sorts which may or may not end up in letters... but... I think that I need to start blogging again... writing for writing or maybe to get thoughts out of my head in a way that may be a bit more productive than spouting on social media.. though there is a lot to spout about... But.. I will save politics for another post...though it may come through in subtle ways here politics is not my intended focus. 

I have been pissy since the election...(not politics, I promise) I have been struggling... with a lot of things... the election, trying to understand how a human who represents what he represents could get elected.... and have been struggling with some things at work... adjusting to a new work partner has been a challenge....especially since my last partner in crime at work was such a good fit... He and I do not see eye to eye on things... handle things in different ways... and I consider myself to be good at reading people... and he... he is a hard read... Earlier in the year I was ready to put up all kinds of walls of my own (ok, maybe that is a slight political reference...), walls between me and him... At first I really worked to make him feel welcome, to offer support, and to be a team player... despite that I found myself expending a lot of energy on him... on trying to involve myself in situations when he was talking with kids because I felt like his approach perhaps alienated some kids who were already feeling like outsiders... and it took a toll on me... I was run down... was sick a lot and had some mornings where going to work didn't motivate me to get out of bed... (Not that I wake up every morning thrilled to head to work, but... it was different than just wanting to sleep in...)  after much effort and energy I didn't feel like anything was changing so I gave myself permission to not have to like him... to not have to be on alert to jump in to save him from himself...(he specifically has asked me to help keep him out of the headlines...)  and it worked a little... then... I had a day where I was feeling really burdened by some resentment... towards a couple of people at work..and decided to put on my big girl panties and address them... the first conversation, with someone else, went well..and I felt like I could take on something else... so... I approached him... and we had a good conversation... I walked away feeling good about it...not because I thought it would change things, but because I had said my peace...

And... since then... coincidentally perhaps or perhaps not... he has seemed to shift a bit... I have gone from thinking he is a buffoon to thinking that he does care about kids...he doesn't show it in the same way I do or how other people do.. but he does care... and the kids or issues he seems to struggle with seem to be because of unfamiliarity or discomfort with the situations, not from lack of desire to help... he is not a person I have any desire to spend time with outside of work...which is sad in a way... (even though I had  made efforts to invite him to a couple of things...before I gave myself permission not to...)

Overall this school year has been calmer than the last few....(I hope I didn't just curse myself...)  Days have been busy, but manageable... there have been a lot going on with a small number of kids... sadly more mental health related than behavior related... not that I prefer behavior issues, but... the kids who are behaving badly are at least finding an outlet for their emotions... but the kids who are facing mental health stuff... are very concerning...

This is my 19th year in public education... 20th year of my career...(How can that possibly be??)  And I keep thinking that the sand in the hourglass is running out in one specific area... it is inevitable...I fear... that I will 'lose' one of my students... that someone will die, be killed in an accident, or kill themselves... few educators go through their whole career without having that experience... I feel lucky that in 20 years I have not yet had to attend the funeral of a student...

Technically you could say that that 20 year run ended recently... a former student, a kid I did not know well... took their life... a very sad story...which of course with suicide, goes without saying... the student was in school recently enough that some of our current students have been effected... but not to the same degree had this person been a current student... one of our current students, however...is being effected...big time...probably more than anyone else except perhaps for the parents... the current student is a sibling...

The sibling is a kid with whom I have had very little contact... so... it is a tough situation of knowing how to approach it... I haven't wanted to call the student to my office to say "hey kid I haven't really spoken to before, sorry about what happened, I'm here if you need me..."  While I want to be there... I also don't want the student to feel like there is an even bigger spotlight being shined... as I am certain that feeling is already there...

The universe can sometimes be...confusing... I cannot imagine how this sibling is feeling... I would be in the corner curled up in the fetal position, likely unresponsive, if one of my sisters committed suicide... and I am an adult...(Most days!) 

So.. towards the end of the day (the end of a crazy day when I was in the midst of looking at video, trying to find kids, and responding to a teacher's request for assistance in removing a kid from his class....) this sibling was in the office and asked if I had time to talk.  How could I not say yes? But I couldn't say yes at that moment... and somehow in that moment had a conscious thought of "treat this student 'normally'..."  (There's that word I hate so much...'normal.')  ..... so I said I was on my way to deal with something ( I was the only administrator in the building this afternoon) but that I wanted to talk  and asked if waiting to see me was an option or  if talking right after school was possible.  After school was the better option...

So...after the bell this sibling showed up and we talked... the student was unsure if I knew about what had happened... so somehow had the strength to tell me ... "I'm the sibling of the student who died recently...from unfortunate circumstances..."  I acknowledged I knew and shared a fond memory I had... the student then said to me... I want to start a program here... and I wanted to come to you to see if I could start talking to other people about it and named a couple of specific teachers who could be involved... " The conversation continued... the program is a music program... an after school program for kids to explore music, to learn more about music, maybe learn an instrument, and to find other kids who like music.  The goal being to offer something for kids who may not otherwise have a peer group... a way for kids who are highly at risk to make connections... that music is a universal way for people to relate... this student wants to do this in the sibling's honor... has researched an organization that can help with it... and said that this is  a way to channel the grief because doing nothing is not an option...

I was in awe... while knowing that at some point this kid will likely crash and will need to be in the fetal position... somehow... and I don't know how.. somehow this kid has not been paralyzed....instead is taking action... eventually wanting to be able to share this experience, share the sibling's story, with other kids, younger kids, and wants to be very involved with a group at our school already in existence to  that tries to offer support to kids around substance use...

I could barely hold back the tears... with watery eyes I said, 'YES, absolutely yes... I will support you in this effort and do whatever I need to do.  We will need to talk about some of the logistics, but YES... I will help you start a program that can be a way to help other kids like your sibling... in any way I can...'  And I was able to say that I was inspired by this... impressed with the strength it must take... and the response was simple... ' I can't just not do something...'

Wow. 

I can't just not do something...

Applies to so many things... (Yes, this DOES relate to current politics... I can't just not do something, say something.....but obviously it is way bigger...)

I was also able to weave in wanting to be a support person for this student and feel that I could now call the student into my office to talk, to check in, and it wouldn't be out of the blue....

Back to the universe...

This conversation happened this afternoon... this morning I participated in an event at a nearby school...where kids and adults shared stories to inspire, increase awareness, and remind us of our humanity... and got to see a student, so eloquent, speak about her battle with depression...her battle with suicidal thinking...about her losses...of two very close friends who did commit suicide... and thought about how brave she was for being vulnerable and sharing herself with the rest of us... It was a strong reminder about being transparent with kids... with the language we use... to be direct, to not ignore signs, to recognize that people want help...

So... I suppose today, for me... was about perspective...
I have so much in my life that is good... I am a fortunate person... I have stress, often a lot of stress... not always the kind of stress that causes me to be explosive or reactive... (though there was an event a few weeks ago where I absolutely lost my crap on someone in a public place... but that's another post..maybe!)  And while I am happy with so much in my life... it's okay to feel down about things... including work...and while work has been difficult this year... I love what I do... being able to see kids who have every right to shut out the world... instead choose to knock down some walls...