Tantrums?

"You know that nice assistant principal who has been working with you since you started coming to high school?"

Student nods. 

"Well she is GONE.  I would like to introduce you to your new assistant principal, the mean one, me...nice to meet you.  I am so done with your bullshit.  The nice, kind, caring approach has been ineffective and you continue to be rude to me, unless you need something form me, rude to your teachers, rude to adults who ask you simple questions when passing in the hallway, you are involved in way too much drama, are in school to find drama not to learn, go to classes late, and seem to think you get to make the rules.  That all changes today, now...in this moment." 

Student is unsure what to think...

"You are so incredibly smart yet you choose to act stupid.  You care so much about people yet you will turn your back on people if they are on the wrong side of drama.  You could be the first person in your family to graduate from high school and say you want to do that yet your behavior does not begin to show that... you say you want other kids to look up to you because you know how/when to do the right thing and stand up for what is right... do you think I would tell any kid in this building to look up to you? No....which kills me because you do know what the right thing to do is..  you do know how to stand up and do the right thing...You can live above the line and you keep choosing not to.  You do not have a perfect life, you have real challenges... and you keep choosing to repeat the same mistakes.  You keep choosing to be angry.  You come into school in the morning with your friends and you are joking around, smiling, but then as soon as it is time to go to class, there is an emotional crisis about which you expect everyone to care... you DEMAND people see you...to put you in front of other kids... you are rude... you admit that there are days when you leave your house and you tell your mother to expect a call from the school because you are going to be a bitch that day.  Your teachers compliment you and tell you and me that you are doing well...and the moment they try to redirect a negative behavior they become horrible people... You like people who let you do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it.  And you know what? I guarantee that for the next few months you are not going to like me... I am not going to let you do what you want when you want to do it unless  what you want includes getting your butt to class, participating in class,  EARNING good grades, and being respectful to other people AND most importantly showing self respect.  You are better than the girl you intentionally portray at times.  You are better than the person who seeks attention from other kids, any attention... and I am not longer going to let you get away with settling for less.  Got it?"

Kid softly crying...

"What did you and I talk about when we first met?"

The student recalls our conversation about how she knows that the social stuff gets in the way of how well she could do at school... about how I promised her I would be there for her , not always in the way she wants me to be, but I will always be there.  That I will bend over backwards for her, be her number one cheerleader and will help her with everything as long as she is working even half as hard  to help herself as I am working to help her...

I pause...

then ask, "Do you think you have been doing what you need to do?"

Student responds, "No." 

Me: "Do you understand why I am frustrated?"

Student: "Yes." 

Me: " I care about you... I care about you when you are doing well, and you do have times when you are doing well... I care about you when you are swearing in my face...and get so disappointed in that moment because I know you can do better... I care about you when you are acting in a way that you think is going to impress other people and I know it makes you uncomfortable because you know that is not who you truly are or want to be... I care whether or not you graduate because I want you to see yourself at the end of high school...see how hard you worked... how smart you are... I want to see you be proud of you... because the girl I have been seeing and trying to help... she is not proud of who she is..."

Student, "I will do better.  I promise.  I am sorry that I am rude to you and that I am sweet only when I need you to do something for me.  It's not fair."

Me: " Thank you.  I will accept your apology when I see your behavior changing.  I don't expect you to be perfect and don't expect you to not make mistakes along the way... but what your behavior is showing me...is that I cannot take the soft, gentle approach with you.  That when you step out of line I need to give you consequences.  And hold you accountable... you are going to be very frustrated with me in the next few weeks and months... but you will change your behavior...because you are motivated by the social part of school, by being here... and if you are not acting approrpiately, I will send you home. I make that promise to you." 

That... that was three days ago... in my office with a kid who has spent so much time in my office this year... a kid who is like a terrified dog who goes into unfamiliar territory and pisses all over the place to mark its territory then, when it realizes you have nothing intended other than to rub its belly cuddles up next to you with a look of apology... sorry for ruining your carpets... and that apology is genuine..and you built some trust.... and then the next time, there is a different group of people around and she barks and pees all over the place again and when you try to pet her to calm her down she tries to bite your hand, runs off into the corner to hide... and when you bring her a favorite squeaky toy, she looks up at you with those puppy dog eyes and apologizes again, and means it... and her trust for you deepens... but that pattern continues...

I talked to her mom last week and said as you know I put your kid in an in school suspension program that we have thoughtfully designed and are choosing only kids who we believe will truly benefit from it... and she was awful to the person running it.. so awful that I really should have kicked her out, but I wanted her to stay and be a part of the afternoon reflective piece that I didn't... but I will not do that again... she will start getting suspended.  She will get sent home when she behaves badly because she needs a strong, clear message.  Her mom, in her pain killer addict haze...agreed...

So.. Today...

(Student has been told to follow her schedule, to be where she is supposed to be at all times...) Instead of going to the cafeteria for lunch.. she convinces one of her friends to go with her and hang out in an area of the school which has little to no supervision at that time... and a teacher comes by and encourages the two to return to the cafeteria and they refuse.  The teacher asks their names... the other student answers..this student, with huge attitude says, "I don't have a name." And walks away...

It didn't even take a full second for the teacher to start describe the interaction and I knew who it was... and I went to find her.  When I found her she was near the cafeteria and I asked her to come with me.  She said she needed to get a drink first.  I looked at her and gave her one of my looks, one that kids have told me is a little scary and communicates "OH HELL NO!" and told her she didn't need a drink as she would not be staying in the cafeteria.  As we walked to my office she quietly asked if she was in trouble.  I just looked at her and kept walking.  She asked if I was going to send her home... I told her we would talk about it in the office and she said please...you can't send me home...

We get into my office and I ask her about the situation.  She has no attitude...is not defensive...and I think it is because she is scared she is in trouble.  I talk to her about the situation and she stays calm.  I ask her if she was where she was supposed to be.  She said she was just trying to eat lunch in a quiet place.  I told her she had not answered the question and repeated it.  She said she didn't want to go to the cafeteria today... I told her she had not asked my question and repeated it... she said it isn't a big deal... I asked again," were you where you were supposed to be?" 
Her: "No." 
Me: "Right answer. You were not where you were supposed to be which you and I have talked about at length and I cannot be clearer with you... and you were disrespectful to a teacher."
Her: "No I wasn't. She didn't need to know my name."
Me: "Did you answer the staff member when she asked you your name?"
She stared at me.
Me: "We had this conversation just the other day.  I am done with your excuses and poor behavior.  You need to  be where you are supposed to be and you need to be respectful.  You are going home for the rest of the day." 

She freaks out.  Starts crying and screaming at me.  She screams that it is so unfair, that it is something that is no big deal, that she doesn't even work with that teacher... and tries to bait me into an argument.  She is standing at this point. 

I am sitting at my desk.  I say to her, "I told you that I was going to hold you accountable, that is what I am doing. To your credit you said you were not where you were supposed to be and you said you told a teacher you did not have a name.  I appreciate you admitting what you did wrong and now, you will go home for the rest of the day and come back tomorrow." 
She wailed... kept screaming at me.  I calmly said, "You can keep screaming.  I know this is a strategy you have used to get what you want and it is not going to work.  I am going to sit here with you, and when you calm down we will get your backpack and you can head home."
She tries to argue with me again, screaming at how unfair it is. 
I calmly say that I am going to sit with her until she calms down, that her screaming is not going to change my decision and I am not going to engage in an argument with her.
She said she was going to leave without her backpack.  (She was holding her ipad at the time.)  I told her she was welcome to leave because her mom and I had agreed that if something like this happened when she needed to leave, that she could walk home, but that she could not take her ipad without having a safe bag to carry it in. So if she wanted to leave WITH the ipad, she needed to wait for her backpack.  She groaned and then quietly said, "PLEASE, please please don't send me home.  I will apologize to that teacher I will tell her my name." 
I looked at her and I said, "I'm sorry...it's too late. You need to start behaving in a way that won't result in you needing to apologize.  You will get there. But today...today you are going home." 

She huffed and puffed a bit, needing to save face (peeing a bit on the carpet) but calmed down.  When she left she had to have the last word, and said she would not be back tomorrow.  I told her I looked forward to seeing her in the morning.  (Threatening to not return is also one of her strategies...to get what she wants...) 

It is hard to be a hard ass... but...  my gut is telling me I need to be that way with her right now... she has so much potential... but... she is so on the fence about whether she is going to live above or below the line... and I am going to do my best to show her she is worth the effort to get and stay above the line...

(We have an approach with kids at our school that we have implemented this year... we call it living above the line... it is about living with integrity, doing the right thing, even when nobody is watching... and teaching kids that their behaviors are really messages they are giving to the world about who they are... we tell kids you can make mistakes..it's how you react to making those mistakes that matters...the changes you make in the future... and about how you make things right... ) 

This kid... man oh man... when she graduates... and I believe she will... she will have so much for which she will and should be proud... but... she is going to be one of those kids who causes me to lose sleep... but in the end... I believe she will know why I am doing what I am doing... and... I believe she will appreciate it...

Some thoughts... about refugees...

Those who know me would not be surprised that I am feeling pretty passionate about the issue of refugees...  I get infuriated by the news stories of rich, white, republican men saying that 'allowing' refugees into OUR country...is wrong...
I wasn't going to put much on here about my thoughts on the matter, but then this video showed up in my facebook feed... and it hits close to home... in a lot of ways...

These... 'refugees' are kids... kids who need a safe place to grow up, to live, to learn, to experience life... and for people (mostly white men) to say we will or will not allow people into this country... I think... YOUR white ass ancestors were not 'allowed' tom come to this country... they forced their way here, forced religious beliefs on people, and bringing violence and bullying... OUR country? A country that refuses people in need, people who are escaping violence and oppression, is not MY country... so because preventing refugees from coming to America is not what every American believes... it is not OUR belief... MY country and YOUR country believe in different things... so the idea of OUR...just doesn't fit.  Stop saying that you are speaking for all Americans...

About a week and a half ago I took one of my students to an appointment.  He is 18 and needed to see a lawyer.  He is a student who struggles to get to school on a regular basis... he is here... in Maine... alone... and is meeting with lawyers to get his green card... this kid, MY student... is one of the kids who made headlines in 2014 who left his Central American country to come to the United States.  He left his parents and siblings... so get here... he has one older brother here, which is why he has been allowed to be here... how did he get here? he walked.  He WALKED... for three months... He said he saw people along the way dead on the ground... people he was walking with fall, pass out, and some die...just to get here...
His English is SO much better than my Spanish... which is actually his second language... and as we drove to the appointment and waited to meet with the lawyer, we talked... about our families... about where we grew up... he misses his country... but talked about how scary it was there... how much violence there is... how he worries about his siblings and his parents who are still there... and here, his priority... is to work, to get paid... to be able to send money to his family to support them... he is not here to do harm... he is less harmful than most politicians including Maine's governor... and some of the presidential candidates... yet HE is the one who should not be 'ALLOWED' to be here? BULLSHIT. 
I walked a couple of half marathons.. have walked some 10ks and 5ks... but I did so with knowing this was a choice, and it would end after, at most, a few hours... this kid walked for 3 months... he is so polite... so grateful for the help we give him... and for those cynical people, the help I am referring to is not financial ... it is support, emotionally... and for welcoming him... His face lights up when he sees me now.. after we had that time that day to get to share a bit of our lives with each other... I showed him photos of my family, of Mt. Katahdin... and when he saw my mountain he said how beautiful it was, that its lushness reminded him of home and said he and I had things in common because we appreciate that kind of beauty... I showed him a picture of a moose and he now wants to see one in person...
When the lawyer asked if he wanted me to be listed as a contact he said no because he said, I have done so much for him already and he didn't want me to have to do more... He calls the town in which he lives, HIS town... he attends OUR school... and he said, he doesn't know why people in Maine are so nice and so helpful and care so much for him...but that he loves it and is so thankful... 
Isn't THAT what will end terrorism? Caring for each other?
Maybe I am being Polyanna-ish about it... but... The kids who are in my school, SEVERAL who are labeled refugees... are part of our community... They enhance the community and culture... in so many ways... students (not labeled refugees) come to me... to make sure that our refugee students are eating, understanding the meal plans at the cafeteria, reporting hate that they hear and wanting to make sure there are efforts to end that thinking... (Fortunately we have few incidents of hate to report...)  having these students, these kids, these 'refugees'  in our school, allows our other students to be compassionate, to learn about acceptance, about different areas of the world...

It makes me so sad to think that these kids and for some of them, their families, would not be allowed to be here...
I take my student back to see the lawyer later this month... and I think he will have to go to court in Boston eventually... I doubt I will make that trip with him, but... if he needs someone to go... it really isn't that far...

Ho ho Ho...

I love having people over!  Last night I had my first Christmas party at my house!  It was so much fun.  I was worried I was going to have to cancel the bash because I had been sick Thursday night into Friday, but after about 36 hours of pretty much uninterrupted sleep I felt better... and since I had already done most of the prep work for the party, AND because I felt better, I decided to keep the party as scheduled...and am glad I did.  

I made some sugar cookies... I had never actually made sugar cookies from scratch... but found a recipe while I was at the lake for Thanksgiving and it is a GREAT recipe.  I had made the dough last weekend...and put it in the fridge.  I cut out the cookies yesterday morning  and did the decorating.  It was fun.  I will definitely make these cookies again.  They were easy and delicious!  (A new holiday tradition!) 

My first guest to arrive was SANTA!  Oh wait.. that is not the REAL Santa... that is my friend Meg \.. I had not seen her in a long time.  She had not yet been to my house and it was nice to be able to have some time with her before other folks arrived.  She helped me cut up some cheese and veggies... then other people started arriving... (I think there were 18 people that stopped by..) 

I had set up a photo booth area with props and one of my friends brought this frame, decorated so well... it became the prop of the party.  I didn't manage to get everyone's picture who was in attendance, but I got a lot of them...

Here is  a photo of my former coworkers and I... fun group!  I am glad so many of them came over!! 

This is my friend Sheila and her hubby... Sheila is a sweetheart.. she has some crazy stories to tell, that may seem unbelievable... but this lady has crazy luck!

This is me with my former secretary... she is a sweetheart!  she brought the frame for us all to use and she made cupcakes!

These two... make me SMILE!  I used to work with these two.  They are about as good of guys as you can get!

This is one of my college roommates and her beau... So cool to have her still in my life after all this time! 

Me, Kris, and Suellen!  They are sisters (in case you cannot tell) and are so cute... and short!  But we look pretty cute all together. 

Suellen and hubby!

Me & Santa... I mean, Meg...

A couple of my neighbors stopped by too, and that was so fun!  I am glad to live in a place where I have GREAT neighbors. 

I LOVE having people over... Even though I did not make as much food as I had planned... there was PLENTY... I didn't eat much because I hadn't eaten anything except a couple of pieces of toast since Thursday night... so didn't want to take any chances... 

After the majority of people left, a few of us hung around and played Cards Against Humanity... that game is soooo inappropriate... and sooo funny... 

Excited to host my next party... but... need to do some writing for the book before I get too far! 

'Tis the Season

I was so excited to get 'home' for a few days for Thanksgiving.  It had been too long since I had time with Dad and Betty and I needed it.  Didn't realize I needed it until after I got it, but it filled something in me that had gotten too low.  I drove up Tuesday night... leaving work around 2:30 and making a couple of stops along the way.  I stopped at a gallery in Freeport which was featuring the art of a Maine artist Dahlov Ipcar.  I love her work, the color and patterns... vibrancy I suppose in her work.  She is now in her 90s and is losing her eyesight from macular degeneration... I saw a story on her recently and despite that loss of sight, she continues to paint.  I wanted to see her pieces... one of her paintings, Blue Savannah,  is  one of my favorites...maybe my favorite... 

(This is from a website: http://studentreader.com/files/maine-portland/dahlov-ipcar-blue-savanna-portland-museum-2012-w1000.JPG  at the Portland Museum of Art.)  

This painting made me understand why people go to art museums and stand for a long time in front of a painting... Art is in the eye of the beholder, as they say... but I must admit, I have gone to many galleries and have not understood the art I have seen... but there are some pieces that I love.  This painting, when I saw it in the PMA, I had that moment... where I just stood there... I studied it, looking at all the detail, the colors, the lines, the geometry... the beauty... and at the time, knew very little about the artist, but this painting caused me to do some research.  She is from Maine, as I said... has written children's books and many of her paintings are of African animals... and much to my surprise, she had never been to Africa... at least hadn't been before most of her African art was created.. I am not sure if she has been since... but I had seen her in an interview where she said she would not go to Africa because she was afraid that the beauty she had imagined Africa to be would exceed what she would actually see, so... she didn't want to go... So, Dahlov Ipcar, who will likely never read this... Thank you, for helping me appreciate art and art museums in a way I had not until Blue Savannah... So Tuesday as I walked around the gallery seeing her art from 20 years ago and some pieces from the last couple of years... I could see the change in her work... because of her vision... the lines were not as crisp, the design, less intricate... but, so clearly still Dahlov... I love that she is in her 90s and doing what she loves, despite her difficulty.  I am sure there is frustrations... but she does it...finds a way... I didn't stay long, but am very glad I stopped.  

After leaving the gallery I had less than two hours before I was going to meet up with a friend from high school for dinner.  As I drove the moon rose up and it was one of the most beautiful moons I have seen.  I wanted to stop several times on the highway to take photos, but I know that would not have been smart and decided to just enjoy the moon as I drove.  (Also, as I get older, I hate driving at night... so the moon was a welcome light along the way!)  

It was nice to meet up with my friend for dinner, nice to catch up.  Our lives are very different from each other... but we still have much in common.  I have very few friends form high school whose company I choose to keep, but there is something cool about keeping connected with people who knew me so long ago... 

I got to the lake around 8:30 and Dad and Betty and I stayed up until after 11:00 chatting... so nice.  Wednesday we got up and all headed to town, separately, each having some errands to run.  After mine I took time to drive down Main St.  It triggered a lot of memories... It was a great place to grow up.  In recent years Main St. has started thriving again... but I worry that my little town is in trouble.  The major industry there has recently been shut down... many have lost their jobs... and I worry about what will happen... It is sad.  This town, where... your parents knew what you were doing when you and your friends were hanging out in town before you even got home... the town where people drive by your house and stop or call if they notice something doesn't look just right to make sure things are ok... the town where I was born...where Mom died... will have to stay strong in order to overcome this huge hit... I hope they can... 

A few days before Thanksgiving I learned that Betty and Jacey were going to come with me and Dad to our annual Thanksgiving dinner, aka family reunion... that news made me so incredibly happy!  

I am not sure why it felt like such a big deal, but it did.  And having the at Thanksgiving, getting to see our family tradition, felt amazing.  I am not sure why... but I think that somehow it made things feel more connected... like another piece of a puzzle fitting together, but not just any piece, an integral piece.  Over the years Betty's family has kindly invited me to be a  part of their holiday celebrations... and I have appreciated the offer, and on the couple of occasions in which I attended, I was appreciative...  I saw and heard about Dad participating in family functions for Betty... and Betty has participated in things with Dad too... but not something like this... like Thanksgiving... not because she hasn't wanted to, but when her family and our family were celebrating on the same day at similar times... it made sense for them to each go to their family's celebration... this year, as it worked out, Betty's family did their Thanksgiving today, so.. that meant there was an opportunity to have Betty and Jacey come with us.  Something about having them there clicked... made me feel really good about them being there.  I was so happy to have them come, proud to show them off, in a way...probably a weird way, but proud to have them there.  It was wonderful!  We had a good crowd this year... 46 people... or 44... there is currently a debate about what the final number was... either way, it was a good crowd!  It was extra special because I missed it last year.  Two of my aunts and one of my uncles do the majority of the work to get ready for the dinner... and it is not an easy job.  My uncle said to us that this year will be the last one if my Aunt Louise dies before next year rolls around... she is 92... the last remaining sibling from that generation... and my uncle seems to think that when her generation is gone, so is this tradition... Not sure I believe that... and would be sad if that were the case.  I do think that he and his wife do a lot, as does my other aunt.  And... it is probably time for the next generation, my generation, to step up and kick in... So... maybe I need to figure out how to help take some of the burden off them..They have kept so much of the tradition going.. maybe they need to contribute less than they have been contributing... so.. it gives me something to think about for next year... I would like to have the tradition continue... we figured out that we now have six generations who have participated in this tradition... SIX!  That's pretty impressive... I love it.  

Here are some pics of the pre dinner family tree talk... we started with Aunt Louise and explained she was one of 5 siblings... and how as their families grew their houses were to small to have everyone together, so they started renting a hall... and when the hall was sold, we moved the dinner to the basement of a church... and have been there since.  So... from those 5 siblings... 3 of their families were in attendance, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and one boy who is a great great grandchild... we all wear name tags... which maybe takes away from the family feel, but.. each year we have individuals who join us, friends or relatives of significant others, and would be lost without name tags, so it's a good idea.  The food, of course, was delicious!!!  But it is the company I love!!! 

This is the whole crew... can't see everyone because some of the taller family members were under/behind the heating ducts!

We got back to the lake ad it was time to take down the Thanksgiving decorations ... 

And put up the Christmas tree... 

This is Betty blessing me with the branches... not the best photo of Betty, but it was funny so I had to include it.  

This is Dad being a wise guy as they assemble the tree... apparently he thinks that the trunk of the tree could double as a nose flute... Oh how his mother would shake her head!  

So... we survived the tree decorating at the lake... and on Friday I got up, packed, and hit the road... and did some shopping on my way home... not gift shopping, but shopping for my house... decorations... I feel a bit selfish spending money on myself at this time of year, but I also love this house, love being here, and it brings me joy, so... that's what I am choosing, and it is so worth it! 

I got home around 3 and then met up with some of my Framily... (Just made that up... friends who are like family!)  We have gone to the Portland tree lighting for a few years together and it has always been fun.  (Suellen, Mike, Kris, and Cassie... this year Suellen & Kris's parents joined us!)  

Each year we take a photo together and because they are so little... we thought this would be a fun shot: 

 They said they were my minions! 

It was WARM for the tree lighting... True confession, I wish it had been snowing or colder!  It was hard to get into the spirit with temps in the 50s!  But we still had fun!  

Today, after sleeping in, I was determined to decorate!  I was hoping I would get everything up, but I didn't.. but I made progress! 

I found this sign while shopping yesterday... and thought it was hysterical... and may use this as a headline in future personal ads... (If I ever do that again.) 

My mantle... complete with Mom's Santa slate...  it brings a lump to my throat every year when I get it out... written on the back, it says, painted with love... Love you too, Mom! 

Another sign I found that I had to have, was this one... 

As I was getting the tree decorated, Lucy snuck under the tree... She is so happy here...

I have been trying to figure out what to do with my banister.  I wanted something there, festive, but not over the top... I decided to do ribbons on the spindles... which remind me of candy canes or ribbon candy... and am very pleased with how it came out.  (Worth the time it took!)  

Another Mom decoration... 

Then I put ornaments on the tree... My favorite ornaments are the ones I have gotten on different trips... like these: 

Denver... (Hi Rico!)

 Multnomah Falls, Oregon... just beautiful!  (Hi Michael!)

A ski lift ornament I got to remind me of the ski lift ride Michael and I took up Mt. Hood... I was so scared on that trip, but sooo glad I did it.  Significant for me in many ways.  Such good memories.  

I wasn't sure where I would put my tree this year, but like it between the book cases...

The mantle with the lights...no flash...

I have much more to do tomorrow... and need to do outside too... but so far this makes me happy...makes  me smile... 

Merry Christmas!!  

Book contract??? CHECK!!!

Today was one of those days that had me feeling like I was going in a million different directions all day when I also felt like I was doing a lot of sitting... it was strange... Nothing major happened at work today but at the end of the day I was feeling stressed... and left work pretty early, early for me anyway... I used the excuse, which was true, that I had to make it to the dump before it closed...as I had the bales of hay in the back of my truck that I had used to decorate for fall... So... I left work stopped at the grocery store to pick up some final ingredients for a pre thanksgiving dinner to finish off the turkey breast I had cooked yesterday in my crock pot... then dumped the bales of hay at the dump and came home... coming into the house always feels like a huge relief... I am still in awe that I LOVE coming home each day.  (and grateful!)  And as I pulled into my driveway, I saw... sticking out of my mailbox, a large white envelope... I knew instantly what was inside... THE BOOK CONTRACT!  Oh My Gosh!!!  I immediately got giddy!  I rushed up the small set of stairs to get to my mailbox and grabbed the envelope...sure enough... it was from the publisher... I was so happy and in awe... and immediately sent a picture to my immediate family and to my co author... she had not received anything... I sat the envelope on a table for a bit and just looked at it... I wondered...romanticized...in my head that I would open the contract with a formal letter to which would be attached a lovely hand written, in beautiful cursive, note from our editor congratulating us and saying she was so excited to work with us... After I opened the envelope I was slightly disappointed that there was no handwritten note in lovely cursive... but...there was a letter with instructions on what needed to be completed and returned and what copies we keep... (they sent one packet, explains why my co author didn't get one!)  And...at the end of the letter was the sweet sentiment I had hoped for... 'it's sure to be a great addition to Maine's paddling library!'  There it is!!!  Yahooooo!  So As I was looking through things my writing partner was excited and texting me a million questions... and told me she is leaving Wednesday to go to Wyoming to meet her son and drive back to Maine with him... so if we wanted to get the contract back before Thanksgiving our only hope was to meet tonight!  So, I met her over by the mall and she signed all her parts and I will finish mine and we will send it out tomorrow... So exciting! 
When I returned home I got a great surprise!  (Although technically surprises are things one would know nothing about...and I knew about this as I had set it up...) My outdoor Christmas lights were on and blinking, all sparkly!!!  I was so excited!  Over the moon excited!  Not only were they working (They are solar operated and I had no idea if they would actually work!)  but they were beautiful and so so happy!
I don't know why it made me so excited, but, there is something about being here, in this house, and doing things that I want to do, making new traditions to celebrate, yes celebrate things... I love it! 

Now... the real work begins... We have to have 20% of our trips DONE by mid January... OMG.. that is not far away... so I need to spend some time editing my trips, to put them in the format our editor wants... and I need to choose photos... THAT will be hard... which photos do I choose? The ones that are my favorite form each trip OR the ones that best represent the location? Not always the same photos...

Decisions decisions...

I see a wide range of stuff...

There are kids that make me smile more than others... especially when they are so angry they don't know what to do... today a kid who is very sweet and has some special education needs did something that is so age appropriate that the special education teacher in me was so very excited... but the administrator in me knew I needed to address it... and address it in a way a bit different than I may handle it with other kids...

This kid was in the cafeteria and was sitting with  a group of boys who are known to be a bit... rambunctious... they were laughing and having fun and then this student amid laughter threw up his arm and flipped off a kid across the cafeteria... this action was met with much laughter from his peers... Because I have had a couple of other interactions with him I knew I needed to separate him from other kids to address the issue... and know that calling his mom is a pretty big deal... so my plan, as he reluctantly followed me to my office, was to call his mom and have him tell her what he had done... and that would be it...

well... as they say.. life is what happens when you are busy making other plans... and while I may have had a plan, the student's plan was very different.  As we walked through the main office ot my office one of the secretaries spoke to him jovially and said, "Oh wow, you are early today. You usually sort the mail later in the day."  (he is part of a program that offers kids jobs within our school.)  His response to him, under his breath was, "It's HER fault!'  It may have been under his breath, but it had an exclamation point at the end, I am sure of it!   We got into my office and I asked him why I asked him to come to my office... he said he didn't know... and I waited and he said, "It's your fault I'm here."  I told him it was not my fault, that I had seen him do something with his hand in the cafeteria that was not appropriate.  He scowled, looked at the floor and said he had not done that.  I told him I had seen him flipping off someone in the cafeteria and asked him why he had done it.  He said a friend had refused to sit with him at lunch.  At that moment he kicked the front of my desk, hard!  (My desk has a metal modesty panel and when it is kicked it is LOUD. It has been kicked a lot this year and surprisingly has no dents... yet...)  I told him he needed to calm down and that he wasn't in big trouble with me, but if his behavior got worse he would be, that I wanted to talk about it.  At that moment he took his lunch, leftover pizza from last night and looked at me with angry eyes...then looked away....and threw a piece of pizza across my office... it made a pretty good mess on my floor.  I called his special education teacher to join us and then told the student that we were going to call his mom to let her know what was going on and hope he could turn his day around.  At that point he swore a little and mimicked me a little... his special ed teacher came in and I explained what had happened. We also called mom to invite her to come over.  His teacher (as wonderful special educators always do) talked with him and used some key phrases that are part of his specific plan with her and he looked at her, looked at me... and picked up his open apple juice which he had set on my desk when we came into my office.  He held it in his hand and then looking off into the distance poured it on my floor....(my poor rug!)  The special ed teacher took the juice away before the entire bottle was emptied.  I told him I was sorry he was so frustrated and I hoped we could make things better.  I walked out of my office to get some paper towels and brought them into my office and asked him to please clean up the juice.  He took the paper towels and wiped up much of the juice and then threw the paper towels around my office.  I asked him to pick them up and throw them away and he did. 
I am always so fascinated to watch kids, especially kids who have special needs.  I could see the gears turning in his head of what he wanted to do next... another piece of pizza was thrown, then upon request was picked up and thrown away... some items on my desk were pushed... he obviously was in need of having some kind of control...
Mom arrived and was so amazing with her son... asking what had happened and he refused to talk to her.  She said he could tell me or she would ask me to... and he told her I could tell her... so I did.  Mom was outraged that her son would act that way and he began swearing at her and she handled it beautifully...she remained calm and said she was disappointed...  We talked about consequences and I told her that because of the damage from the pizza and juice I was going to have him go home for today and to stay home on Monday.  (Gong home early on a Friday afternoon is not a big deal to a lot of kids, but I think for this kid a disruption to his routine come Monday will be effective.  I hate suspending kids, but... also can't have this kid behaving like that... I talked to mom and said that I would like to process this with her son on Tuesday, that I want to draw out what had happened and see if he could identify where he could have made different choices and go from there... it has been an effective method for me in the past.  She asked what she could do at home... I told her to help him process as he is able... and to not have the days away from school be like a long weekend.  She was on board.  She told her son that the school was being generous by not kicking him out for a longer period of time. 
It is an interesting situation... and since this kids is pretty young, it is a great opportunity for me to get to know him a bit, set some boundaries and build a relationship.  And it gives me a chance to go back into my special ed bubble for a bit... he is so cute... and as his special ed teacher apologized to me after the student had left with his mom... I told her not to apologize that we really should be celebrating that he was, in many ways, acting like a typical high school kid... he flipped someone off, and that behavior was reinforced by the laughter of peers... and he was a bit rebellious in my office... He wasn't quite sure how to show his anger... and creatively used his food to show me how he was feeling... so, while it was messy, I think in ways, it's a win... but... in order for it to stay a win... the story has to continue and he  has to take ownership... we will have him do some cleaning with the custodians when he returns so he gets an idea of what it takes to clean up after people. 

That mom.. has a lot on her plate... and I can tell she has put a lot of work into knowing her kid and finding the balance between being structured with him and being gentle... so nice to see...

Quite a contrast to other experiences with other parents... I will mention one particular situation...

This situation... had me probably as close to taking a kid home with me for the night than I have ever been... but... I can't do that... but... man oh man... it was tempting to break those rules and risk my job... but... I can't... and I didn't...  A student who I have known for a while has a very hard life... her mom is an alcoholic, the raging not laughing kind of alcoholic... leaving huge responsibilities on this kid's shoulders... including caring for a younger brother with medical issues... the siblings have been seen walking, together, late ant night... all around town... after escaping their house or... should I say, their mother.  In the past they were able to go to a relative, but over time the mother has sabotaged that relationship and will no longer allow the kids to be there... This girl... who for no apparent reason reminds me of little orphan Annie (she does not have red hair!)  gets so bogged down with things... she has had a job in the past... and at one point when she and her brother had run away, she had budgeted for such a situation... she had saved some cash from her paychecks in case she and her brother needed to be on their own for a few nights... she is the parent in many ways... such huge weight on her shoulders... she hit a breaking point recently... and shared with a social worker that she had thought about killing herself... that a noose would be a quick way to do it... So... the social worker assesses the kid... and consults with me and with another social worker to see if we need to call crisis... we decided we needed to do that... when that happens we always call parents and have them come into school... Mom was highly annoyed that we asked her to come to school.  She said she was aware that her daughter had said she could hang herself to end it all, but said it wasn't a big deal.  Lady... it IS a big deal... this kid...because of circumstances YOU created... is so HIGHLY at risk... wake up!!!  Mom came in... and was very agitated.  She got more and more angry as the social worker and crisis worker asked her questions... and explained that the purpose of the crisis assessment was to see if the student needed to be hospitalized...  They talk to the kids separate from the parent and then bring them together.  When they were brought back together, mom lost it... in a way that the social worker and crisis worker had never seen a parent lose it in front of professionals... At the end of her explosion she said "YOU can deal with her.  I'm DONE... You figure out what to do with her..." and stormed out of our school. 

I was called at that point to see what next steps we needed to take... and when I sat down in the social worker's office the student was coming in returning from the bathroom... she saw me and fell apart again and I asked if she needed a hug... she rushed over to me and collapsed into me and just cried... she said that's how her life is...ALL the time... she said that's why she hates being home, hates being near her mom... why she tries to not be home when her mom is... why she works to keep the house spotless to avoid fights, why she nags her brother to clean up after himself and to be quiet all the time... she said she just waits for the explosion to come... it is never if it will come, but when... So... what do we do with a kid who has no family to speak of... a kid who has talked about suicide, but fortunately (though it would have made our choice easier if it was not the case) not suicidal enough to be hospitalized... and who rightfully refuses to go home? You can't just let her walk out of the building... can we? Well... yes... actually... if she has been 'cleared' by crisis...and she has a plan to reach out to friends where she will stay for the night... we can let her walk out... feels pretty crappy... we tried... I tried for about 2 hours to get mom to answer the phone... she wouldn't... did try to reach out to relatives from who the girl had been estranged... and no answer... we can't violate confidentiality by calling a parent of one of her friends and say what is going on and ask them to take her in... a school asking a parent to take in a student who is having suicidal ideations... is not something we can do... I asked our principal what to do... (One of the many times I appreciate being the assistant...and not he head dude!)  He said... all we could do... is make a safety plan with her and confirm that she has a place to stay... by this time... the crisis worker and our social worker had to leave... so it was me... with this kid... and this is where I really thought about just taking her home with me... feeding her a good meal...and tucking her in for the night... but can't... so.. I kept her with me... and in the meantime we ran into one of her friends... and she asked her friend if she could spend the night at her house... the friend asked why and her response, "My mom..." and looked at the floor.  Her friend hugged her and said, of course.. you know that any time you need to stay at my house you are welcome... my mom loves you I will let her know you are coming..."  I happen to know this other kid and knew if she went there she would be safe... at least for the night... On my last attempt, which felt like my millionth try, her mom answered the phone when I called. 

She told me she was mad at the crisis worker and social worker, not at her daughter.  I told her that I was sorry it was a difficult meeting, but that I needed to know what her plan was for that night, the plan for her daughter.  She said she wanted her daughter to go home, but that she was certain her daughter had no intention of doing that.  I told her that her daughter had made arrangements to stay at a friend's house and asked her how she felt about that... her response was, I don't have much say in it.  She will do what she wants...  so I told her that my responsibility was to notify her where her daughter was intending to stay and encouraged her to keep in touch with her daughter and to call crisis if needed...for her daughter... or for her... she 'yupped' me... and hung up... I felt a little better... knowing that her mom knew where she was.. but not better about the life this kid is living... or the life that has bombarded her... I wrote out a safety plan/contract and the kid signed it... and it did not ease my anxiety... and I let her go... I didn't sleep that night... and the next day we had off... so I was on edge... but the social worker had been in touch with her and knew she was... okay... I was relieved to see her in our halls these last couple of days...

In the midst of this... we also called our equivalent of child protective services... because of her age... in high school... there was not much they could do..would do... but after our school resource officer (SRO) called them in addition to the crisis worker calling them...they said they would do a home visit... I have yet to hear the outcome of that visit... I doubt much was done... if anything... Our SRO was great, though there was little more he could do in the situation...  he did notify the PD that there was a situation brewing in case the student went home to get clothes and mom was there and things got explosive...

So...  the days where kids throw food at me (ok, not at me, but at my office) are easier, way way easier, than the other days... where I get such an intense look into the lives of my students who struggle to find strength to live...

I do have to say... it makes me think about other kids who are in similar situations... (And of kids who keep things quiet, who don't share their inner thoughts..they scare me even more!)  Should I consider being a foster parent? I have space... but... I am selfish... I don't think I can have the energy I would need to be what a kid would need full time... and feel selfish saying that... but... I also know that I need time away from that kind of work... in order to recover and refill my tank.. to be able to keep doing this job...

Through it all... I keep thinking ... I am a very lucky person... grateful for the people in my life... for my home... for my career...for all of its ups and downs...

Thanks & food...

What is the right thing to do, as an administrator, when a parent yells at you, saying, "Don't be a F&*#&$^SMART ASS with me!" ??
Not sure what other people would do.. but what I did... was say, "I am not being a smart ass and don't appreciate the way in which you are speaking to me...." and when the parent repeated her smart ass comment, I said, "I am not going to be spoken to in that way. It is not okay.  I was calling you to seek support in handling a situation with your child to avoid suspension, however, I am done with this conversation and am hanging up now."  And I hung up. 

Why did this parent call me a smart ass? Well... because... her child was in trouble... again... and in the past when we have had issues with her child we have had the student with me and have called mom on the phone... well... this was going to be a similar conversation and the kid was being very defiant... and the parent said she was irate that I would have a conversation with her kid without an adult present who was there to support her kid... (OOOOOH I cannot tell you how much I have done to support her kid and how much the other staff has done....)  When I said I was there and one of her teachers was there, her response was that we don't treat her kid respectfully and that she would not call us supportive but would say we were authorities... (Again, this is not a different approach than we have taken in the past...involving mom, by phone, to try to de-escalate behavior ...and have been pretty successful...)  So I asked what time the parent could come to school... and THAT is when she started screaming at me and told me I was being a smart ass... Prior to this part of the conversation she had made some pretty significant accusations... that I was trying to push her kid out of school...that I care about other kids more than her kid... and that my staff and I do not approach her daughter in a nice way... (I cannot even begin to explain how off target that is... but know why she said it... her child was recently involved in something outside of school...her daughter's roles was significant and inappropriate...and because of the negative impact it has had on other students we have had to be involved...and they are angry that we are addressing the behavior at school... legally, when something that happens between students outside of school causes students to feel uncomfortable coming to school or being in class we have to address it... since this incident we have several kids who are refusing to come to school because of the incident... so we HAVE to be involved. I think the parent is embarrassed... not about her child's behavior, unfortunately, but that we learned about it...) 

I followed up... saying we needed to have a meeting because the ONLY way we are going to be able to help her child is to be a united front.  This kid 'splits' adults...  (meaning she pins adults against each other and tells different adults different things to get what she wants...)  I have also made it clear that because of her accusations I will no longer have conversations with her or with her child without another adult being present.  She doesn't want that, but I told her that her accusations were serious and I do not trust that she won't make other accusations and that this is a consequence of her behavior.  The parent apologized to me... said that it was a bad moment for her, that she had just woken up after sleeping through her alarm, and being frustrated with her kid's behavior... I told her I accepted the apology but that it changes our working relationship and how I will deal with her and her daughter.  The meeting today involved another administrator as well as an advocate that works with the family...

Some kids don't stand a chance... I am not kidding... and it is so sad... the same day the smart ass conversation happened... I had a kid in crisis in my office...(threatening to hurt herself, throwing things at me and the social worker, throwing chairs at us, swearing, screaming like I have never heard before..)  for over an hour... at one point, in my office, there was me, the social worker, the student, two police officers, two crew members from Rescue, and a parent... My office is not that big... It resulted in the kid needing to be transported to the hospital for an evaluation... so incredibly sad... for me... that's the shit that gets to me... it exhausts me... the tension in my neck and shoulders after enduring that... was awful... Phil was nervous, the principal kept walking by to make sure we were okay... people in offices far away came to check to see if we were okay...and afterwards, the secretaries checked to make sure I was okay... I was okay... but wiped out! 

It was a hard day... hard to want to return to work after a day like that... (Oh and there were a few other things mixed in...like learning a kid, at 17 is going to have her second child...her first is 4... and searching a student for possible 'sharps' and while I was happy to not find any sharps, did find cigarettes... )  It was a hard day...

When I showed up at work on Wednesday people were very...gentle with me... checking on how I was doing, it was very sweet.  The principal asked me if I was doing okay...saying between this and the porn last week I had a lot going on...  how do I respond to that? I am ok...if ok means traumatized and exhausted...and exhausted... if okay means still able to function... or close to functioning... but I would be lying if I said I had not contemplated staying in bed that day... but... I did work to do some self preservation... I stayed in my office, kind of closed off to people... documenting the incidents and getting caught up with emails... so forced it to be a low key day...

Then after the crazy... there is always something that makes my heart smile... which is the ONLY reason I can keep doing this work... a kid... who I have known for a while, but haven't worked with directly... has had a rough go of it... last year was a BAD year for him... he needs to do a lot to graduate this year and will need a lot of support to do so... last year he was not up for accepting any help/guidance... and I am hoping he will be this year. 

He, as a sophomore, was the poster kid for the after school program I run... he was there every week and had gone from a kid who failed most of his classes freshman year to passing everything as a sophomore... he was dedicated to coming every week and did good work and then last year... he started using substances... and at first came to my after school group, but he didn't take it seriously, was disruptive to other kids...and I kicked him out... broke my heart to do that, but I did...

so... this year we are getting ready to start our program, but won't start it until second quarter... I checked in with him, even though technically he is Phil's student... looked at his grades and he is struggling... we had a good conversation... so much better than any we had last year... and he said he really wants to graduate... and for the first time in a long time, I believed him.  I asked him if he needed some time after school to do work before we start our program after school, and he said yes!  So I told him I would have a space available for him as well as some pumpkin squares for him if he showed up... I made the squares thinking he wouldn't show... but hoping he would... and... he did!!! 

Man... I will be sooo happy if we can get this kid to get it together enough to graduate on time... he was so appreciative of the time/space to do work and of the treats!  So... maybe he is my project for this year...

I told him after he had worked for a while, that I needed to thank him... he looked at me, confused... and asked why... I told him that sometimes I have really tough days... that recently I have had several really rough days... I told him that him taking me up on my offer to have a place to work AND for him to show up... seeing him doing the right thing and wanting to succeed made me have hope and made me feel like there are kids who appreciate what adults do to try to help... and thanked him again... he just smiled... and then thanked me... for asking him to stay and for giving him some food...

sometimes... it's just that simple... thanks & food...

A Cold ay for a paddle

These are some photos from last Saturday, on the Androscoggin River... I haven't put them on my kayaking blog because we are trying to keep some spots for the book only... (which I am having a hard time reconciling, to be honest...) but... I can figure that out at a later time... 

It was COLD!!  I always walk into the water to get into my kayak... I am not balanced enough or felxible enough to sit down into my kayak while it is barely in the water without getting my feet wet.. on this trip... I got in my kayak, Sandra was in her kayak, and as I was drying off my feet realized I had forgotten my paddle... so despite hearing my father's voice in my head saying, put on your shoes... I ran up to my truck, barefoot, to get my paddle... when I got back in my kayak and was drying off my feet again... I had blood dripping from my left foot, on the outer ball of my foot... I ignored it and put on my smartwool socks (of which I need to get a couple more pair!)   we paddled... and at the end of the paddle my sock was pretty covered with blood... I dried off at my truck, had some paper towels in there, which was good, and then after loading up, found some first aid supplies at a local store and bandaged myself up... it is a pretty deep cut, was about 1/4 of an inch deep and about 3/4 of an inch wide... jagged of course, not a clean cut.. . it has been healing better than I anticipated, but because it cut through the callused part of my foot... it is in an awkward spot... as it heals it is sticking out a bit... and today, started bleeding again... as some of the thicker skin got caught on something... so.. back to bandaging it for a bit... anyway.. could have been much worse... and yes dad... in this situation you would have said flip flops were a good thing... if and only when barefoot was the alternative... once again, proving father knows best! 

We paddled out into this protected area.. it was VERY shallow...

We got stuck here a couple of times... and eventually found a passable route...

Out into the Androscoggin...

We were looking for another river that comes in to the Androscoggin... we found it, but couldn't paddle very far because of the rocks etc... but it sure was pretty!

This stump... looks pretty non descript... we saw it on the way up and a beaver came charging at us... I had never seen a charging angry beaver... it was crazy... no time to get my camera out... on the way back, I had my camera ready and we watched and waited and no beaver came out... so I put my camera away and then TWO angry beavers came charging out!  Sandra was close enough to them that she panicked a little and paddled pretty fast to get away... I chuckled... it was so funny... they looked so cute and scary all at the same time... I wish I had gotten it on video...

They quickly submerged and then we saw them swimming away from us... when they were on land, they were so fluffy looking... not so much in the water...

I am debating about whether or not it is time to put my other kayak away for the season or not... it is something I love so much... helps me de-stress in a way nothing else does... 

I am so grateful mom introduced me to this sport and for the many hours we paddled together.  I think of her so much when I am kayaking and know she would LOVE exploring all of these places with me...