What is the right thing to do, as an administrator, when a parent yells at you, saying, "Don't be a F&*#&$^SMART ASS with me!" ??
Not sure what other people would do.. but what I did... was say, "I am not being a smart ass and don't appreciate the way in which you are speaking to me...." and when the parent repeated her smart ass comment, I said, "I am not going to be spoken to in that way. It is not okay. I was calling you to seek support in handling a situation with your child to avoid suspension, however, I am done with this conversation and am hanging up now." And I hung up.
Why did this parent call me a smart ass? Well... because... her child was in trouble... again... and in the past when we have had issues with her child we have had the student with me and have called mom on the phone... well... this was going to be a similar conversation and the kid was being very defiant... and the parent said she was irate that I would have a conversation with her kid without an adult present who was there to support her kid... (OOOOOH I cannot tell you how much I have done to support her kid and how much the other staff has done....) When I said I was there and one of her teachers was there, her response was that we don't treat her kid respectfully and that she would not call us supportive but would say we were authorities... (Again, this is not a different approach than we have taken in the past...involving mom, by phone, to try to de-escalate behavior ...and have been pretty successful...) So I asked what time the parent could come to school... and THAT is when she started screaming at me and told me I was being a smart ass... Prior to this part of the conversation she had made some pretty significant accusations... that I was trying to push her kid out of school...that I care about other kids more than her kid... and that my staff and I do not approach her daughter in a nice way... (I cannot even begin to explain how off target that is... but know why she said it... her child was recently involved in something outside of school...her daughter's roles was significant and inappropriate...and because of the negative impact it has had on other students we have had to be involved...and they are angry that we are addressing the behavior at school... legally, when something that happens between students outside of school causes students to feel uncomfortable coming to school or being in class we have to address it... since this incident we have several kids who are refusing to come to school because of the incident... so we HAVE to be involved. I think the parent is embarrassed... not about her child's behavior, unfortunately, but that we learned about it...)
I followed up... saying we needed to have a meeting because the ONLY way we are going to be able to help her child is to be a united front. This kid 'splits' adults... (meaning she pins adults against each other and tells different adults different things to get what she wants...) I have also made it clear that because of her accusations I will no longer have conversations with her or with her child without another adult being present. She doesn't want that, but I told her that her accusations were serious and I do not trust that she won't make other accusations and that this is a consequence of her behavior. The parent apologized to me... said that it was a bad moment for her, that she had just woken up after sleeping through her alarm, and being frustrated with her kid's behavior... I told her I accepted the apology but that it changes our working relationship and how I will deal with her and her daughter. The meeting today involved another administrator as well as an advocate that works with the family...
Some kids don't stand a chance... I am not kidding... and it is so sad... the same day the smart ass conversation happened... I had a kid in crisis in my office...(threatening to hurt herself, throwing things at me and the social worker, throwing chairs at us, swearing, screaming like I have never heard before..) for over an hour... at one point, in my office, there was me, the social worker, the student, two police officers, two crew members from Rescue, and a parent... My office is not that big... It resulted in the kid needing to be transported to the hospital for an evaluation... so incredibly sad... for me... that's the shit that gets to me... it exhausts me... the tension in my neck and shoulders after enduring that... was awful... Phil was nervous, the principal kept walking by to make sure we were okay... people in offices far away came to check to see if we were okay...and afterwards, the secretaries checked to make sure I was okay... I was okay... but wiped out!
It was a hard day... hard to want to return to work after a day like that... (Oh and there were a few other things mixed in...like learning a kid, at 17 is going to have her second child...her first is 4... and searching a student for possible 'sharps' and while I was happy to not find any sharps, did find cigarettes... ) It was a hard day...
When I showed up at work on Wednesday people were very...gentle with me... checking on how I was doing, it was very sweet. The principal asked me if I was doing okay...saying between this and the porn last week I had a lot going on... how do I respond to that? I am ok...if ok means traumatized and exhausted...and exhausted... if okay means still able to function... or close to functioning... but I would be lying if I said I had not contemplated staying in bed that day... but... I did work to do some self preservation... I stayed in my office, kind of closed off to people... documenting the incidents and getting caught up with emails... so forced it to be a low key day...
Then after the crazy... there is always something that makes my heart smile... which is the ONLY reason I can keep doing this work... a kid... who I have known for a while, but haven't worked with directly... has had a rough go of it... last year was a BAD year for him... he needs to do a lot to graduate this year and will need a lot of support to do so... last year he was not up for accepting any help/guidance... and I am hoping he will be this year.
He, as a sophomore, was the poster kid for the after school program I run... he was there every week and had gone from a kid who failed most of his classes freshman year to passing everything as a sophomore... he was dedicated to coming every week and did good work and then last year... he started using substances... and at first came to my after school group, but he didn't take it seriously, was disruptive to other kids...and I kicked him out... broke my heart to do that, but I did...
so... this year we are getting ready to start our program, but won't start it until second quarter... I checked in with him, even though technically he is Phil's student... looked at his grades and he is struggling... we had a good conversation... so much better than any we had last year... and he said he really wants to graduate... and for the first time in a long time, I believed him. I asked him if he needed some time after school to do work before we start our program after school, and he said yes! So I told him I would have a space available for him as well as some pumpkin squares for him if he showed up... I made the squares thinking he wouldn't show... but hoping he would... and... he did!!!
Man... I will be sooo happy if we can get this kid to get it together enough to graduate on time... he was so appreciative of the time/space to do work and of the treats! So... maybe he is my project for this year...
I told him after he had worked for a while, that I needed to thank him... he looked at me, confused... and asked why... I told him that sometimes I have really tough days... that recently I have had several really rough days... I told him that him taking me up on my offer to have a place to work AND for him to show up... seeing him doing the right thing and wanting to succeed made me have hope and made me feel like there are kids who appreciate what adults do to try to help... and thanked him again... he just smiled... and then thanked me... for asking him to stay and for giving him some food...
sometimes... it's just that simple... thanks & food...
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