There are kids that make me smile more than others... especially when they are so angry they don't know what to do... today a kid who is very sweet and has some special education needs did something that is so age appropriate that the special education teacher in me was so very excited... but the administrator in me knew I needed to address it... and address it in a way a bit different than I may handle it with other kids...
This kid was in the cafeteria and was sitting with a group of boys who are known to be a bit... rambunctious... they were laughing and having fun and then this student amid laughter threw up his arm and flipped off a kid across the cafeteria... this action was met with much laughter from his peers... Because I have had a couple of other interactions with him I knew I needed to separate him from other kids to address the issue... and know that calling his mom is a pretty big deal... so my plan, as he reluctantly followed me to my office, was to call his mom and have him tell her what he had done... and that would be it...
well... as they say.. life is what happens when you are busy making other plans... and while I may have had a plan, the student's plan was very different. As we walked through the main office ot my office one of the secretaries spoke to him jovially and said, "Oh wow, you are early today. You usually sort the mail later in the day." (he is part of a program that offers kids jobs within our school.) His response to him, under his breath was, "It's HER fault!' It may have been under his breath, but it had an exclamation point at the end, I am sure of it! We got into my office and I asked him why I asked him to come to my office... he said he didn't know... and I waited and he said, "It's your fault I'm here." I told him it was not my fault, that I had seen him do something with his hand in the cafeteria that was not appropriate. He scowled, looked at the floor and said he had not done that. I told him I had seen him flipping off someone in the cafeteria and asked him why he had done it. He said a friend had refused to sit with him at lunch. At that moment he kicked the front of my desk, hard! (My desk has a metal modesty panel and when it is kicked it is LOUD. It has been kicked a lot this year and surprisingly has no dents... yet...) I told him he needed to calm down and that he wasn't in big trouble with me, but if his behavior got worse he would be, that I wanted to talk about it. At that moment he took his lunch, leftover pizza from last night and looked at me with angry eyes...then looked away....and threw a piece of pizza across my office... it made a pretty good mess on my floor. I called his special education teacher to join us and then told the student that we were going to call his mom to let her know what was going on and hope he could turn his day around. At that point he swore a little and mimicked me a little... his special ed teacher came in and I explained what had happened. We also called mom to invite her to come over. His teacher (as wonderful special educators always do) talked with him and used some key phrases that are part of his specific plan with her and he looked at her, looked at me... and picked up his open apple juice which he had set on my desk when we came into my office. He held it in his hand and then looking off into the distance poured it on my floor....(my poor rug!) The special ed teacher took the juice away before the entire bottle was emptied. I told him I was sorry he was so frustrated and I hoped we could make things better. I walked out of my office to get some paper towels and brought them into my office and asked him to please clean up the juice. He took the paper towels and wiped up much of the juice and then threw the paper towels around my office. I asked him to pick them up and throw them away and he did.
I am always so fascinated to watch kids, especially kids who have special needs. I could see the gears turning in his head of what he wanted to do next... another piece of pizza was thrown, then upon request was picked up and thrown away... some items on my desk were pushed... he obviously was in need of having some kind of control...
Mom arrived and was so amazing with her son... asking what had happened and he refused to talk to her. She said he could tell me or she would ask me to... and he told her I could tell her... so I did. Mom was outraged that her son would act that way and he began swearing at her and she handled it beautifully...she remained calm and said she was disappointed... We talked about consequences and I told her that because of the damage from the pizza and juice I was going to have him go home for today and to stay home on Monday. (Gong home early on a Friday afternoon is not a big deal to a lot of kids, but I think for this kid a disruption to his routine come Monday will be effective. I hate suspending kids, but... also can't have this kid behaving like that... I talked to mom and said that I would like to process this with her son on Tuesday, that I want to draw out what had happened and see if he could identify where he could have made different choices and go from there... it has been an effective method for me in the past. She asked what she could do at home... I told her to help him process as he is able... and to not have the days away from school be like a long weekend. She was on board. She told her son that the school was being generous by not kicking him out for a longer period of time.
It is an interesting situation... and since this kids is pretty young, it is a great opportunity for me to get to know him a bit, set some boundaries and build a relationship. And it gives me a chance to go back into my special ed bubble for a bit... he is so cute... and as his special ed teacher apologized to me after the student had left with his mom... I told her not to apologize that we really should be celebrating that he was, in many ways, acting like a typical high school kid... he flipped someone off, and that behavior was reinforced by the laughter of peers... and he was a bit rebellious in my office... He wasn't quite sure how to show his anger... and creatively used his food to show me how he was feeling... so, while it was messy, I think in ways, it's a win... but... in order for it to stay a win... the story has to continue and he has to take ownership... we will have him do some cleaning with the custodians when he returns so he gets an idea of what it takes to clean up after people.
That mom.. has a lot on her plate... and I can tell she has put a lot of work into knowing her kid and finding the balance between being structured with him and being gentle... so nice to see...
Quite a contrast to other experiences with other parents... I will mention one particular situation...
This situation... had me probably as close to taking a kid home with me for the night than I have ever been... but... I can't do that... but... man oh man... it was tempting to break those rules and risk my job... but... I can't... and I didn't... A student who I have known for a while has a very hard life... her mom is an alcoholic, the raging not laughing kind of alcoholic... leaving huge responsibilities on this kid's shoulders... including caring for a younger brother with medical issues... the siblings have been seen walking, together, late ant night... all around town... after escaping their house or... should I say, their mother. In the past they were able to go to a relative, but over time the mother has sabotaged that relationship and will no longer allow the kids to be there... This girl... who for no apparent reason reminds me of little orphan Annie (she does not have red hair!) gets so bogged down with things... she has had a job in the past... and at one point when she and her brother had run away, she had budgeted for such a situation... she had saved some cash from her paychecks in case she and her brother needed to be on their own for a few nights... she is the parent in many ways... such huge weight on her shoulders... she hit a breaking point recently... and shared with a social worker that she had thought about killing herself... that a noose would be a quick way to do it... So... the social worker assesses the kid... and consults with me and with another social worker to see if we need to call crisis... we decided we needed to do that... when that happens we always call parents and have them come into school... Mom was highly annoyed that we asked her to come to school. She said she was aware that her daughter had said she could hang herself to end it all, but said it wasn't a big deal. Lady... it IS a big deal... this kid...because of circumstances YOU created... is so HIGHLY at risk... wake up!!! Mom came in... and was very agitated. She got more and more angry as the social worker and crisis worker asked her questions... and explained that the purpose of the crisis assessment was to see if the student needed to be hospitalized... They talk to the kids separate from the parent and then bring them together. When they were brought back together, mom lost it... in a way that the social worker and crisis worker had never seen a parent lose it in front of professionals... At the end of her explosion she said "YOU can deal with her. I'm DONE... You figure out what to do with her..." and stormed out of our school.
I was called at that point to see what next steps we needed to take... and when I sat down in the social worker's office the student was coming in returning from the bathroom... she saw me and fell apart again and I asked if she needed a hug... she rushed over to me and collapsed into me and just cried... she said that's how her life is...ALL the time... she said that's why she hates being home, hates being near her mom... why she tries to not be home when her mom is... why she works to keep the house spotless to avoid fights, why she nags her brother to clean up after himself and to be quiet all the time... she said she just waits for the explosion to come... it is never if it will come, but when... So... what do we do with a kid who has no family to speak of... a kid who has talked about suicide, but fortunately (though it would have made our choice easier if it was not the case) not suicidal enough to be hospitalized... and who rightfully refuses to go home? You can't just let her walk out of the building... can we? Well... yes... actually... if she has been 'cleared' by crisis...and she has a plan to reach out to friends where she will stay for the night... we can let her walk out... feels pretty crappy... we tried... I tried for about 2 hours to get mom to answer the phone... she wouldn't... did try to reach out to relatives from who the girl had been estranged... and no answer... we can't violate confidentiality by calling a parent of one of her friends and say what is going on and ask them to take her in... a school asking a parent to take in a student who is having suicidal ideations... is not something we can do... I asked our principal what to do... (One of the many times I appreciate being the assistant...and not he head dude!) He said... all we could do... is make a safety plan with her and confirm that she has a place to stay... by this time... the crisis worker and our social worker had to leave... so it was me... with this kid... and this is where I really thought about just taking her home with me... feeding her a good meal...and tucking her in for the night... but can't... so.. I kept her with me... and in the meantime we ran into one of her friends... and she asked her friend if she could spend the night at her house... the friend asked why and her response, "My mom..." and looked at the floor. Her friend hugged her and said, of course.. you know that any time you need to stay at my house you are welcome... my mom loves you I will let her know you are coming..." I happen to know this other kid and knew if she went there she would be safe... at least for the night... On my last attempt, which felt like my millionth try, her mom answered the phone when I called.
She told me she was mad at the crisis worker and social worker, not at her daughter. I told her that I was sorry it was a difficult meeting, but that I needed to know what her plan was for that night, the plan for her daughter. She said she wanted her daughter to go home, but that she was certain her daughter had no intention of doing that. I told her that her daughter had made arrangements to stay at a friend's house and asked her how she felt about that... her response was, I don't have much say in it. She will do what she wants... so I told her that my responsibility was to notify her where her daughter was intending to stay and encouraged her to keep in touch with her daughter and to call crisis if needed...for her daughter... or for her... she 'yupped' me... and hung up... I felt a little better... knowing that her mom knew where she was.. but not better about the life this kid is living... or the life that has bombarded her... I wrote out a safety plan/contract and the kid signed it... and it did not ease my anxiety... and I let her go... I didn't sleep that night... and the next day we had off... so I was on edge... but the social worker had been in touch with her and knew she was... okay... I was relieved to see her in our halls these last couple of days...
In the midst of this... we also called our equivalent of child protective services... because of her age... in high school... there was not much they could do..would do... but after our school resource officer (SRO) called them in addition to the crisis worker calling them...they said they would do a home visit... I have yet to hear the outcome of that visit... I doubt much was done... if anything... Our SRO was great, though there was little more he could do in the situation... he did notify the PD that there was a situation brewing in case the student went home to get clothes and mom was there and things got explosive...
So... the days where kids throw food at me (ok, not at me, but at my office) are easier, way way easier, than the other days... where I get such an intense look into the lives of my students who struggle to find strength to live...
I do have to say... it makes me think about other kids who are in similar situations... (And of kids who keep things quiet, who don't share their inner thoughts..they scare me even more!) Should I consider being a foster parent? I have space... but... I am selfish... I don't think I can have the energy I would need to be what a kid would need full time... and feel selfish saying that... but... I also know that I need time away from that kind of work... in order to recover and refill my tank.. to be able to keep doing this job...
Through it all... I keep thinking ... I am a very lucky person... grateful for the people in my life... for my home... for my career...for all of its ups and downs...
No comments:
Post a Comment