I have high hopes for the week ahead... mainly hoping that I will not have to look at photographs my students have taken of their most private parts and investigate to whom those photos have been sent... That was my Tuesday. Now.. that.. on its own is bad enough... but combine it with the psychological elements that go with it...and it can take its toll... on this particular investigation...the student was not embarrassed... was given the opportunity to leave the room while I spent a long time looking at every facet of technology...but chose to stay. I have had conversations with the kids about similar photos in which the students could not look me in the eye, and the idea of calling a parent to share the info was mortifying... and in other situations there were things that made more sense... better or worse the photos have been sent to or solicited from a person with whom the student has some sort of relationship... (Sidebar: dear parents, if your child sends a nude photo of him/herself, legally that is disseminating pornography... say the person to whom that photo was sent then sends it to multiple people... and it causes harassment of your child... in order to 'prosecute' the other people who have sent it or posted it to social media... your child must also be prosecuted... because your child is guilty of the same crime ... so... it gets complicated!) The case this week... the student had sent various pictures (usually it is the same picture getting resent) to multiple strangers... it is compulsive... using social media to find people of the opposite sex, inquiring if that person likes sex and if they could trade nudes... This student, because of various circumstances, has limited access to the internet...so the majority of sent messages were done so during school... missing classes to do this... so as I looked at the messages... there was one time frame (after school hours) of about 15 minutes, in which this student had reached out to 25-30 people to initiate a conversation about sex... many of the conversations do not get responses... some do... and some conversations got pretty explicit... all while this student is watching me look at all of this... I had to verify that each photo was of this student... asked if it was him/her and where it was taken... part two... parental involvement... to the parent's credit, we were alerted to this because the parent had seen some questionable posts on the facebook page of the student...and began a home investigation... what was found was disturbing... and fortunately the parent had the technological skills to change the passcode on the ipad so the student could not get back into the ipad to alter any of the contents... so... this parent asked us, begged, really, to look at as much as we could on the ipad... and take whatever steps were necessary... which she knew may have to involve the police... I had Phil in the room with me, even though, because this kid is one of 'mine' ... it is unwise for us to have such graphic conversations with kids solo... Phil didn't have to see the photos, but knew the gist of it. After looking at the ipad... most of it at least... I brought in our SRO (school resource officer) and showed him what I had found... and as I expected, the police will do their own investigation, the ipad is currently in the state crime lab... I hope... well I don' t know what to hope... I hope those photos have not been shared with kids even younger than this kid... I hope that there could be some kind of legal involvement so that this kid could possibly get some kind of mandated therapy specific to sexualized behavior...
I talk to kids about inappropriate photos, not often, but it is not an uncommon conversation, I talk to kids about many many topics... often conversations depend on who the kid is and how well I know them and their family... (Like last year when one of my students started missing school to spend time with his older girlfriend... I brought him into my office to give him a gift, a set of baby bibs that said "I love my daddy.." ... he was surprised that I went down that road and denied any need for bibs... I told him that if he is spending his time 'hanging' with his girl... he would have need and that he better get his ass back in school... his attendance improved...) and few conversations/events really... stay with me in a way that this has stuck...
I am as disturbed by the content of the photos and messages as I am by the student's behavior and lack of mortification, lack of remorse, and wonder if my investigation, this student watching me looking at the pictures of this student... in some way was sexually gratifying for the student... So many red flags... HUGE red flags... I involved our social worker and she validated my gut reactions... fortunately the parent was more than happy to have us start communicating with the outside psychiatrist working with this student... unfortunately that outside therapist had no idea to the extent of this activity... it is compulsive, obsessive, addictive... When the parent came in... one of two younger opposite sex siblings came in too, a very young sibling... we sat...me, SRO, Social Worker, student, parent, and much younger sibling... talking about this... again with little reaction from the student... as the student kept asking the younger sibling for kisses... and I thanked the parent for bringing it to our attention...and shared that I have huge concerns... (Though I admit, I was so caught up in the investigative part of it that I did not recognize the lack of appropriate response from the student, the lack of embarrassment... that we did not address that part... but as I have replayed this in my head [make it stop!] it is more and more evident that the student's reaction to the situation is, perhaps the most significant aspect of this...) I did tell the parent that the right steps have been taken... the student will no longer have access to an ipad at school or a phone at home or school, and the parent won't leave the student unsupervised around technology... I believe that this obsession WILL manifest itself in other ways... if the student is not getting the gratification from the internet... it will come out in other ways... (as I look at the student repeatedly asking for kisses from the younger sibling....) ...
This... this one has disturbed me... a lot... I didn't sleep well this week... every time I closed my eyes, it seemed those images popped back into my head... I do think that I have been traumatized by this event... which has triggered me to think about a similar situation last year in which I watched videos taken by a student of unsuspecting opposite sexed children while going to the bathroom or changing clothes... and when I see certain style boots on children (boots that I saw on one of the kids in the video) I have a physical reaction to it... so.. I think that there is a possibility that there are some elements of my job that can cause PTSD... But... the silver lining.. if there is one... is that Phil sat with me, was willing to sit with me during the investigation, and has been there as my brain has processed various aspects of it... and... has volunteered to be the next trauma victim if we have another such investigation... which is nice... but it will depend on the kid... and which one of us works more with that kid... as I really believe that part of our journey with these kids is knowing about the significant events that they go through and helping to support them as they do...
This one is not going to disappear from my brain for a long time... and every time I see this kid in the hallway it is going to be a challenge to not have the images I saw pop into my mind... I have all of my fingers and toes crossed that this kid can get some help... that the help will help... but... my fear is that this is only the beginning... that the addiction to sex will leave the virtual world... it makes me cringe...
So... because I need to balance the hard stories with some successful ones... there were some good things this week too... one of my students... is one of my 'sea turtles'... (Sea turtles have to raise themselves, depend solely on their instincts, and learn as they go...) she has a crappy home life... a parent who, when the student has stood up for herself the night before, will send texts to tell the her how useless she is, will call her names one should never call their worst enemies, will threaten her with not having a place to live when she gets home, will tell her she is never going to amount to anything, that she makes everyone's lives miserable... yes, a parent texts these things to a child, their child... we have reported this as abuse to the state... but... because the state is so overwhelmed with the level of need especially when compared to the funding for resources, or lack there of... the state will say that the kid is fed and clothed and they focus their attention on younger kids... so... her support comes from the adults in our building. Very few kids have my cell phone number... she is one that does, because the reality is, this kid could need help in the middle of the night... and she has had a suicide attempt already... so... she has my number... she texted me the other night... asking if we could meet... I was worried that she had been having a rough time, but what she really wanted to talk about was college... she is still a bit away from needing to choose a school, but... she is thinking about it... (I am so excited to write a letter of recommendation for this kid when the time comes!) She said she has no idea where to begin, what to do, and that she has nobody at home who will help her... so she knows she is going to have to do it all on her own, so she knows she has to start now... (this sea turtle is swimming strong!) So we are going to meet regularly to talk about schools, majors, whether she wants to stay close to home or if, for her, it is better to go far away, to get away from her parents... sadly that is a consideration...
Another kid... with whom I have had minimal contact she has worked with the assistant principal who retired last year... reached out to me via email, asking if I would be a reference for her. The problem... the minimal interactions we have had, prior to this year, has been me busting her for VERY loud, VERY vulgar language in very public areas of school... and when I had addressed it with her, her reactions were... let's just say..not okay... this year, so far, I have noticed marked improvement with her behavior... so... when she asked me about being a reference for her I told her that I appreciated her asking and that if she wanted to use me as a reference she could, but that my reference would be as follows: I have seen great improvement in this student, in how she carries and presents herself, however I would have concerns with her working in a job in which customers may disagree with her or if she was confronted by her boss about a behavior which needed some correction... I believe she is improving and maturing, but I would need more time to fully endorse her as an employee for your company... Much to MY surprise... the conversation continued... I figured she would get my response, think FU, and move on... but instead she wrote back and said she appreciated my time, appreciated that I would consider being a reference, and said that she understood why I would provide the reference information I suggested. She also said that for now, she would ask other people to be references for her but asked if I would keep my eye on her, on her behavior and see if later in the year, towards the spring, if she could ask me again, to be a reference and hoped that I would be able to confidently tell an employer that I would highly recommend her. I admit my jaw dropped... from this kid... this mature response... that is huge growth for her... and re-affirms for me, that kids want us to be honest with them... it made me smile...
So... as always, it's about balance... the good things don't always take away the trauma of the bad... but the hope of more good things, keeps me going...
(I have an idea swirling around in my head... about somehow using my experiences to travel...maybe eventually write a book about crazy stories, but really maybe more so... share strategies with educators about how to build relationships with kids... how to build a school culture... and travel to various conferences around the country to share my insights... sounds pretty egotistical, but.. I think I could do it.. I think especially as our society becomes more and more dependent on technology we are moving further away from personal relationships/connections.. which I believe make or break kids as far as getting to graduation AND being prepared for life after graduation... the character development is so important... but... it is in the very baby stages of an idea... but... it's there... for when I get some time...)
In other non school related topics... the book... we are moving forward... last weekend was a marathon of paddling to secure enough photos for the book... my writing partner had not photographed every location as she had not anticipated that we would need that... but... the preliminary plan is to include 1-2 pictures for each trip... so... we did one trip together on Saturday and then on Sunday I did five places.. it was NUTS! But so worth it! Here are some pics... (of the 500 I took last weekend!)
House projects... I replaced the grate thingy for the fireplace, as the other one had lived its life...
- paint bookshelf that my grandfather gave me (then move cds and dvds to that making room on the living room built ins for more pretty stuff!)
-paint a storage chest/bench that I originally had in my entry way, but have recently (yesterday) moved to the living room to use as a place to store firewood
- paint Dad and Betty's suite and decorate that all up (I have bought most of the stuff, just need to paint the walls so I can get it done!)
- Decorate my bedroom... still pretty plain walls... but hoping I can do some paintings for that room, which brings me to my next to do item
- set up art studio in the basement (take things out of the boxes!)
- get totes for holiday decorations and for non holiday decorations that have to be taken down to make room for holiday decorations...
- rearrange a few things in the kitchen
- make decisions about things that I have yet to find a spot for since moving... (right now the dining room is a holding tank for decorations not yet in use... need to find places for them and store leftovers in the attic to rotate in somewhere along the way
- plan a christmas tree decorating party...
- Figure out how to make something similar to this (probably off white) with a screen like window screen sized openings, to hold my jewelry... I love this idea!!!
So... this Sunday morning is turning into a Sunday afternoon... so I need to get some cleaning and laundry done... Enjoy the day!
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