So... as most of you know... I am juggling a few things right now... writing a book, my ever crazy job, and getting ready for surgery... fortunately the writing has been a great distraction from the surgery... and I have been calm about things... well other than having to meet with hospital administrators to remind them about patient care...but since that I have been calm and taking it in stride... last week I donated my own blood in case I need a transfusion... and this week (in my oh so infinitely wise plan) I had a dental appointment to finish getting my crown... (That's right folks, it's official, I am royalty!! I prefer Queen to Princess... just in case you were wondering how to address me!)
This week at work has been... well... a shit show... very trying... and in the midst of dealing with some of that today my dentist called... and this is when I started to crack a little... they called asking if I could move my appointment today up a half hour... not a big deal...right? Well one would think... at least if that 'one' was rational. I told them I could do that easily as long as I could still get the nitrous oxide... (I have HUGE anxiety about going to the dentist... and when I got the temporary crown they used that magical gas and the appointment was tolerable...I even ALMOST told them they did a good job...that it was actually a good appointment... but... who would say such nonsense about the dentist?) For some reason... they were not going to be able to accommodate that. Excuse me? The dentist promised me I would get the gas on this final appointment... (I think she enjoyed my silent happy company!) The secretary told me they couldnt' do it today and that I needed to reschedule. I got a little...irritated... and told them it was not possible... I reminded them that I have surgery a week from Monday and when I agreed to do this whole crowning process it was with the understanding that this would be behind me by the time surgery rolled around. When we scheduled today's appointment I told them it was cutting it close, but they assured me it would be fine. (Why do I continue to trust medical people??!!) So... she asked if we could do the appointment on Monday. Ummm... NO. I have my pre op appt. Monday and told them it was unlikely I could emotionally manage having a pre op appointment AND a dental appointment in the same week. (I know my limits...usually.) I got grumpy... and apologized for it. I knew in that moment I was upset more about the lack of control I suddenly had vs. the appointment itself. (Imagine, me...a control freak? Who knew?? Ok.. maybe it is public knowledge.) I told them if there was absolutely no way it could happen today I could possibly do next weds. she told me she would get back to me. When I hung up I had this moment of HIGH emotions... and started crying.. not the heavy breathing kind of crying, just the warm tears streaming down my face kind of crying... and stood up, closed my office door, and stood with my back to it so nobody would see me crying if they were to walk by... What the hell was going on? Why was I crying? The thought of the stress from everything surfaced and I realized that I haven't really released the stress valve very much lately... and this... this was not a good time for that to happen. I worked hard to push it all down and got back to my crappy day of investigating a fight and who saw what and making a timeline of other events for the superintendent...(fun times!) My phone rang again and the dentist said to come in at 3:30. I felt better...strange given it meant having to go to the dentist.
When I arrived at the dentist the secretary came out from behind her desk to talk to me, to apologize.. she said she had totally forgotten about my surgery about the promise they made and said they know how much angst I have about the dentist and felt bad for ruining my day. Well, damn it... what happens when my emotions are high and someone is nice? I teared up.. again... Ugh... these emotions that are just under the surface ... I apologized to her told her I wasn't trying to be high maintenence and bitchy.. she said I wasn't that i was just asking them to do what they promised they would do... (She gave me a gift card to dunkin donuts to apologize... an unneeded gesture...about which I feel guilty...)
So.. the appointment started... and I got the happy gas... and started to relax a little... I get my crown and they also remind me they were going to check another thing they had noticed in my last xrays... something that would be a quick fix, a bit of filing on one of my teeth... correcting a bonding that was a bit too thick... was supposed to be easy... so after they do the crown they do an xray... to make sure it is in the right place... and she asks me about another filling next to the tooth that was getting crowned... I had both fillings done at the same time, about three years ago. I was already unhappy that the filling I had only three years ago needed to be replaced with a very expensive crown... but then to learn the other filling was also not done well... pissed me off... I told the dentist this was BS and that I didn't think I should have to pay for it if it was because it had been done poorly when it was done. She (who has been at this practice for a short time...the other dentist, the one who did the work, is no longer there.) said she thought she could talk to the office manager and have them pay for it because many of the previous dentist's patients have required having the work redone... (Mental note.. if they are going to pay for that other filling to be fixed because the old dentist had screwed up.. you bet your ass I am going to be looking to get some money back for this crown!) So... She says we can deal with that at another appointment, after my surgery... the happy gas seemed suddenly less effective... then.. she moved on to the 'little fixit'... and doesn't like what she sees... she found filling material embedded in my gums! No, not kidding. She said that it explained why my gums have been irritated and said we need to redo the whole thing. (This is one of my front teeth... which when I was a kid got broken by my friend's brother when he was throwing ricks at us... he was a lovely kid... rock thrower and also set mouse traps outside of my friend's bedroom so that when we came out we had to walk over them... a real charmer!) Redo the WHOLE thing? She again said it was ... in my words not hers, shoddy craftsmanship. She offered to do it today, but at that point the tears were streaming down my face and I had been in the chair for about an hour and a half... I told her I could not handle that today. She said she would again talk to the office manager and have the cost be to the practice not to me. She tried to comfort me... and I couldn't even talk at that point. Again, MAYBE if this was an isolated thing I may have not been so emotional but everything else that is going on... I just couldn't hold it in... usually they walk me out to the desk and I make small talk with the secretaries and talk about scheduling the next thing.. but as we got to the desk, I felt like the walls were closing in and they said something to me, not sure what, and I just said... I just need to leave right now...and walked out... I lost it in my truck... fell apart...
Eventually got to a point where I could drive... granted the tears were still streaming, but i was calm.. strange.. but the tears just wouldn't stop...
I made it home and as soon as I got inside... I just lost it again... went upstairs and literally jumped into bed and pulled the blankets over my head... and stayed there for a while....just let myself be upset... which is probably what I needed...
I got up after a bit and have been working on the final edits for the book, but the tears are still right at the surface... I have an early morning meeting tomorrow with our principal and some parents... I would prefer not to be at the meeting... but should be there... I am worried I will get emotional. I emailed the principal and told him I will try to hold it together, to not tell the parents what I really think, and apologized in advance if I need to leave the meeting or the building for a bit...
So.. I think I am a little stressed... what was my first clue, right?? So.. the book is so close to being done... and this weekend I am going to get to see a friend I haven't seen in a while... and plan on doing some cleaning, my house is a disaster and I want to get it back in order so it feels even better being here in a calm environment... and then... I am going to focus on some self care... and deep breathing...
Usually when I leave there I stop at the desk and they talk about next
appts or whatever...and they walked me out like usual and tried to make
small talk seeing i was upset and I started feeling really
claustrophobic and just needed to get out of there as fast as I
could... and have been crying off and on since...
tulips
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Nystagmus
Earlier this week I attended a two day training about drug impairment... about the categories of drugs, the symptoms they cause, and how to detect whether or not someone has been using... The training was informative and as I worked with other school personnel and some law enforcement agents, practicing a variety of standardized field sobriety tests (SFSTs) there was this feeling of anticipation of wanting to be able to practice the tests and see the results we were taught would be there. Ironically the week before I had sent a few kids home for issues related to substance use... and really based those decisions on my gut, and the atypical behavior of the student... so after the training, any training really, I wonder if I have just enough information to be dangerous...
As we prepared for a school function last night I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a good night... I asked my work partner what his gut was telling him and he said he had a bad feeling as well... that's not good... and we asked our school resource officer what he thought and he said... shit show... I was worried... unfortunately our guts were accurate...
I got a chance to try out the new skills I had learned at the training. 'Playing Cop' was not nearly as gratifying as I had anticipated it would be while at the training. While learning how to do some of the tests I thought it would feel good to be armed with a method to definitively determine whether or not a kid was under the influence of something. Well... it definitely did not feel good... felt kind of crappy, truth be told... maybe it would have felt differently had the tests proven my gut wrong... but the kid I suspected of drinking...had definitely been drinking. The kid is not necessarily a frequent flyer in my office, but is a kid who is constantly on my radar. He is a kid who is either peripherally involved in many situations or is directly involved but somehow is able to avoid getting caught. Last night he tried to avoid being caught as well... tried to pull on my heartstrings.
I watched him come into the event and other than seeming to be anxious to get in, seemed okay. Didn't smell of alcohol... after a while I noticed one of his friends pull him away from a situation. I couldn't tell what the situation was, but could see that his friend was trying to get him out of it... they saw me seeing them and tried to smile and went back to what they had been doing, at which point he looked like he was leaning on his friend a bit... a bit later I saw him seated, slouching a little, and I asked him if he was okay.. he seemed confused by the question so I asked him to come with me... his gait seemed unsteady and when I talked to him he said he was fine, just broken hearted... I had him come to my office with me and enlisted my work partner to help. Our school resource officer was dealing with another situation. I texted him to get him to join us, but got no response... So I asked the kid a few more questions... asked if he had been drinking and he said no, that he doesn't do that, that he is just going through a hard time, upset about a girl and about some family problems...said he goes to church and talks to his priest about things....wow... he was surely trying to blow smoke up our asses... I then decided instead of waiting for our school officer I would try one of the sobriety tests I had learned in the training... the test is called HGN - Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus, which is a test for alcohol... What you are looking for in that test is 'smooth pursuit of the eye.' So as the subjects eyes follow an object they should be smooth, back and forth, with no difficulty. Our instructor said think of it as windshield wipers... when there is heavy rain the wipers go back and forth smoothly, but if you have the wipers set to go too fast for the amount of rain, the wipers drag/jerk a little bit as they go across the windshield.
I am sure you have seen the test on tv or in movies... and it is pretty much as you see... have the person stand, feet together, hands hanging at their sides...tell them to keep their head still and follow an object with just their eyes. Then the tester moves the object in a specific pattern and sees if there are any hesitations with the eyes as they move... The kid had a hard time following my directions... to put his feet together then had his hands in his pockets and needed a few reminders to just get the stance correct... he also needed reminders to not move his head... then I did the HGN test... and there was definitely nystagmus present... I told the student despite his denial I knew he had been drinking. He continued to deny. I finally got our school resource officer to come to my office and told him what I had seen. He got one of the other police officers who was at the event to do the HGN test.
I sat, wondering if what i had seen would match what he saw... he did the HGN test as well and it was clear that the kid was under the influence. I felt validated in a way, feeling like I had learned how to do the test properly, but sick to my stomach because I hate that this kid is drinking so much... after the HGN they also did a breathalizer... one that is not as accurate as the ones they use on the road, but it still shows levels of alcohol...and his showed he was over the legal limit...
Ugh... as if one kid under the influence wasn't enough... as we were dealing with this situation another chaperone came to get us and we had another kid, equally inebriated. Unfortunately by the time she confessed who else had been involved in her binge... the other kids were gone...had left the event.
Those phone calls were not fun to make... hello parent. I am calling from the school at 10:00 at night to let you know I think your child is drunk and could possibly be driving or could be riding with someone else who we suspect was drinking... As unpleasant as that message is to give... it is more frustrating that when trying to contact parents when their kid is at an event, they do not answer their phones. I am not kidding when I say I called the parents of one kid more than 10 times before they answered. Then... the responses from the parents are mind blowing... one parent seemed adequately concerned and seemed to understand the urgency of things... while another simply said thank you for the information and hung up... hello? it's not like I just called you to tell you your kid is bringing home a permission slip to go to the museum that needs to be signed! I am telling you your kid may be drunk, maybe driving drunk, or may be riding with someone else who is driving drunk... and that is your reaction? Not sure if that is better or worse than another parent I finally spoke with after multiple attempts whose house is where the kids had allegedly been drinking and her speech was slurred and she said that they all seemed fine when they left her house... seriously? sometimes I just don't get it.
I don't have kids... so I try not to judge parenting styles... but... I just don't get it....
So.. coming home last night... I felt sick to my stomach... worried that I would wake up to news that one of our students had been in an accident... that a life was lost... thankfully that wasn't the case...
As we prepared for a school function last night I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a good night... I asked my work partner what his gut was telling him and he said he had a bad feeling as well... that's not good... and we asked our school resource officer what he thought and he said... shit show... I was worried... unfortunately our guts were accurate...
I got a chance to try out the new skills I had learned at the training. 'Playing Cop' was not nearly as gratifying as I had anticipated it would be while at the training. While learning how to do some of the tests I thought it would feel good to be armed with a method to definitively determine whether or not a kid was under the influence of something. Well... it definitely did not feel good... felt kind of crappy, truth be told... maybe it would have felt differently had the tests proven my gut wrong... but the kid I suspected of drinking...had definitely been drinking. The kid is not necessarily a frequent flyer in my office, but is a kid who is constantly on my radar. He is a kid who is either peripherally involved in many situations or is directly involved but somehow is able to avoid getting caught. Last night he tried to avoid being caught as well... tried to pull on my heartstrings.
I watched him come into the event and other than seeming to be anxious to get in, seemed okay. Didn't smell of alcohol... after a while I noticed one of his friends pull him away from a situation. I couldn't tell what the situation was, but could see that his friend was trying to get him out of it... they saw me seeing them and tried to smile and went back to what they had been doing, at which point he looked like he was leaning on his friend a bit... a bit later I saw him seated, slouching a little, and I asked him if he was okay.. he seemed confused by the question so I asked him to come with me... his gait seemed unsteady and when I talked to him he said he was fine, just broken hearted... I had him come to my office with me and enlisted my work partner to help. Our school resource officer was dealing with another situation. I texted him to get him to join us, but got no response... So I asked the kid a few more questions... asked if he had been drinking and he said no, that he doesn't do that, that he is just going through a hard time, upset about a girl and about some family problems...said he goes to church and talks to his priest about things....wow... he was surely trying to blow smoke up our asses... I then decided instead of waiting for our school officer I would try one of the sobriety tests I had learned in the training... the test is called HGN - Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus, which is a test for alcohol... What you are looking for in that test is 'smooth pursuit of the eye.' So as the subjects eyes follow an object they should be smooth, back and forth, with no difficulty. Our instructor said think of it as windshield wipers... when there is heavy rain the wipers go back and forth smoothly, but if you have the wipers set to go too fast for the amount of rain, the wipers drag/jerk a little bit as they go across the windshield.
I am sure you have seen the test on tv or in movies... and it is pretty much as you see... have the person stand, feet together, hands hanging at their sides...tell them to keep their head still and follow an object with just their eyes. Then the tester moves the object in a specific pattern and sees if there are any hesitations with the eyes as they move... The kid had a hard time following my directions... to put his feet together then had his hands in his pockets and needed a few reminders to just get the stance correct... he also needed reminders to not move his head... then I did the HGN test... and there was definitely nystagmus present... I told the student despite his denial I knew he had been drinking. He continued to deny. I finally got our school resource officer to come to my office and told him what I had seen. He got one of the other police officers who was at the event to do the HGN test.
I sat, wondering if what i had seen would match what he saw... he did the HGN test as well and it was clear that the kid was under the influence. I felt validated in a way, feeling like I had learned how to do the test properly, but sick to my stomach because I hate that this kid is drinking so much... after the HGN they also did a breathalizer... one that is not as accurate as the ones they use on the road, but it still shows levels of alcohol...and his showed he was over the legal limit...
Ugh... as if one kid under the influence wasn't enough... as we were dealing with this situation another chaperone came to get us and we had another kid, equally inebriated. Unfortunately by the time she confessed who else had been involved in her binge... the other kids were gone...had left the event.
Those phone calls were not fun to make... hello parent. I am calling from the school at 10:00 at night to let you know I think your child is drunk and could possibly be driving or could be riding with someone else who we suspect was drinking... As unpleasant as that message is to give... it is more frustrating that when trying to contact parents when their kid is at an event, they do not answer their phones. I am not kidding when I say I called the parents of one kid more than 10 times before they answered. Then... the responses from the parents are mind blowing... one parent seemed adequately concerned and seemed to understand the urgency of things... while another simply said thank you for the information and hung up... hello? it's not like I just called you to tell you your kid is bringing home a permission slip to go to the museum that needs to be signed! I am telling you your kid may be drunk, maybe driving drunk, or may be riding with someone else who is driving drunk... and that is your reaction? Not sure if that is better or worse than another parent I finally spoke with after multiple attempts whose house is where the kids had allegedly been drinking and her speech was slurred and she said that they all seemed fine when they left her house... seriously? sometimes I just don't get it.
I don't have kids... so I try not to judge parenting styles... but... I just don't get it....
So.. coming home last night... I felt sick to my stomach... worried that I would wake up to news that one of our students had been in an accident... that a life was lost... thankfully that wasn't the case...
Thursday, March 10, 2016
A Pinky swear...
Oh what a day...
It started with a meeting that was scheduled last minute... about a student returning from suspension... I anticipated a couple of people but it ended up being close to ten... many support people are in place for this kid...that will help... I hope... This is a parent I have known since starting this job... I worked hard with her older kid and am working hard with the younger... it was a rough meeting... the parent made some statements that were hard to take with a grain of salt... I know the parent, know the parent very well. I know that no matter what, she needs to attack me (the school) ... tell me how little I have done for her kids... (in the moment where she is at her wits end and doesn't know what else to do...she forgets the meetings I had with her at a doughnut shop near her home...where we both were in tears about the choices her kid was making.. about the times I came to her house sat on her stoop and talked to her about her kid, about all of the things I have done to try to support her kids...to interrupt the behaviors...) She attacked me again today... and while I know it is her defense mechanism and know by the end of the meeting she is able to admit that she is mad at her kid, mad at the situation and appreciates me.. but man oh man.. it kills me when she says that stuff... earlier this year she said that I was getting her kid in trouble because I wanted the kid to end back in Juvie... So... we sat in a meeting for close to an hour in which the mom was pretty aggressive... she said that I punished her kid when her kid hadn't done anything... she went on to explain what her daughter told her had happened... and I agreed with her, had the story her kid told been true... I would have been in the wrong... but when I showed her the camera footage of what had REALLY happened... she realized her kid had not told the truth... and the tone changed... the people who came with her were good.. they get it. they know the family dynamic, they know the substance abuse, the instability... and they have to maintain the relationship with the parent in order to have any hope of helping the kid... so they ask questions that the mom would perceive as supporting her but are raelly giving me the opportunity to really explain the situation... one of the people there, is new to the case... new to the job.. and at a couple of points I could have slapped her.. ok, not really slapped her, that is of course an exaggeration, but I could have done without her comments... she started to do what mom has done for the kids, for years... said things like, well don't all the kids do that? Is it really fair to expect that she can walk away from that situation? Ummmm No.. not all kids behave like that...and yes, yes I do expect her to walk away and if she can't we all need to figure out how to teach her that skill... By the end of the meeting, all were calm... mom had acknowledged that I am not the enemy.. I had said my peace... that this is not new behavior...that this behavior was going on in lower grades and required a lot of interventions... that this is not my fault or the fault of the school... that it is learned, practiced, and mastered behavior... behavior that needs to stop and change...
After the meeting I needed to take some time...which I never do... but got in my truck and did a run to dunkin donuts... I just needed time to decompress...
When I got back the student I described in an earlier post as my puppy who pees everywhere to mark her territory but then rubs up against your leg apologetically... came to school high... As I sat in my office with her while waiting for her parent I had to open my window...the concentration of smell of marijuana was so high... (no pun intended) I got a headache... I was paranoid afterwards and asked a trusted coworker to smell me to see if I smelled like pot.. the last thing I needed was to walk around school and have kids think I am using it.. sad sad sad...
I thought it was going to be a hell of a day if that was how it began... I was right... it was a hell of a day... but... not in a negative way... I had a chance to talk to a lot of kids today. I also took time to meet with the kid form the morning meeting, without all the people around..and was able to tell her if she can do 2 things... she will make it to graduation... 1- be where she is supposed to be when she is supposed to be there... and 2- Own her stuff.. if she does something own it, admit it, and learn from it... man oh man do I believe that... but things in her life need to change... things over which I have no control. So... we shall see...
Later I met with a kid with whom we have a funky history. Loyal readers of my previous blog may remember the story... when she gets in trouble at school she gets in trouble at home... she gets beaten... last year there was a situation where I screwed up... because of her past behaviors I saw her in a situation and made a judgement about what I thought was happening.. I thought she was AGAIN cutting a class and I went off on her... called her parents who freaked out... only to learn that she was not skipping... she was coming to talk to me about a friend she was worried about...a kid who was sexually assaulted... and I didn't even give her that chance to explain it... of course I apologized to her when I realized my error, but it was too late at that point, she was mad...rightly so. I was so worried about our relationship and worried that she was going to be beaten when she went home. After work that day I went to her house... to tell her parents I had screwed up... that it had been my mistake and to please not punish her at home... she reported to a social worker that she had not been beaten at home that night... since then... she has been cold towards me... and I totally understood it. That was last spring. This year.. she has been doing so much better. I have been monitoring her grades and attendance and have seen her in the halls this year and have said things like, hey, great job in English your grade is great... or ask her how she was doing... and the edge has gone away a bit... I saw her the other day and asked her how she was doing and told her I was proud of her for her grades all being at a level that was not only passing, but were really good... she seemed to appreciate it... I asked her if she wanted to sit with me at some point to look at her credits and where she is at in relation to graduation. She said yes. We tentatively chose a time... and when that time came, I went to find her and she was not where she was supposed to be... my heart sunk... her parents would freak if she missed a class... so... I tried again today... and before she came down, I got a call from a teacher asking if I could address her attire while she was there... oh great... have to talk to her about what she is wearing and cutting class... I was afraid it was not going to go well... She handled it well... understood the dress code piece...thankfully... and when I showed her attendance and said that I was concerned... I asked her if she knew why I was concerned... she said because I wanted her in class... I said yes, but what else.. she said, you don't want to have to call my parents... Bingo! I told her that I know whe I report things to her parents things for her get really bad... she looked me in the eye and held out her pinky to me... I asked what that was for and she said she needed to pinky promise that she would knock it off, that she would not skip another class. I felt cautiously optimistic at that point... and part of me wondered if I was getting played... we continued... looked at her grades...she really is doing great... then looked at credit recovery.. she failed classes along the way and I had worked to get her to be able to pass those classes so that she would have a shot at graduation...graduating on time... she is doing that work too! So when we went through and took inventory... she is in great shape for graduation... and when I told her that she got a little teary.. I asked her if she was getting a little emotional and she said Yes, I really didn't think I would get there... I told her I was proud of her and she asked me if she could get a hug! I paused and said, for real? She said yes, we have been through so much you and me, and I know you want me to do well and know you've been watching me and you have always talked to me about my grades... so I stood up and told her I was now the one getting a little teary... and she gave me a huge hug. I am still in awe... I told her if she keeps it up... I may ask her to become a mentor next year... to talk with kids who are struggling as freshmen and sophomores... and she said, for real? You would want me to do that? I said, yes... when you get to to that place where you know you are gonna graduate and can relate to kids who are struggling I think you could help them... she smiled and said she would LOVE to... so... fingers crossed...
Then I met with a student whose sibling had a recent suicide attempt (one of my kids) and am so glad I checked in with her... she is feeling lots of things... and we have connected her to one of our social workers and it is a good connection... so I am hopeful she will feel supported...
Then... I met with another kid... who has made huge efforts to change her social circle.. those changes have been super positive... she has great grades and when I asked her what she thought the difference was with her thisyear, better grades, better friends, etc... she said that she just knows what she wants to do, to go to college and get her chosen degree. We had such great conversation... we shared some ideas so that she can consider doing an internship next year as well as taking some college classes without having to pay for them... and it was just awesome. What a cool kid who knows what she wants... and so appreciative of any effort people put forth to help her...
So... while the morning started out rough... with some of my neediest kids and families... the other stuff in my day tipped things back into balance...
It started with a meeting that was scheduled last minute... about a student returning from suspension... I anticipated a couple of people but it ended up being close to ten... many support people are in place for this kid...that will help... I hope... This is a parent I have known since starting this job... I worked hard with her older kid and am working hard with the younger... it was a rough meeting... the parent made some statements that were hard to take with a grain of salt... I know the parent, know the parent very well. I know that no matter what, she needs to attack me (the school) ... tell me how little I have done for her kids... (in the moment where she is at her wits end and doesn't know what else to do...she forgets the meetings I had with her at a doughnut shop near her home...where we both were in tears about the choices her kid was making.. about the times I came to her house sat on her stoop and talked to her about her kid, about all of the things I have done to try to support her kids...to interrupt the behaviors...) She attacked me again today... and while I know it is her defense mechanism and know by the end of the meeting she is able to admit that she is mad at her kid, mad at the situation and appreciates me.. but man oh man.. it kills me when she says that stuff... earlier this year she said that I was getting her kid in trouble because I wanted the kid to end back in Juvie... So... we sat in a meeting for close to an hour in which the mom was pretty aggressive... she said that I punished her kid when her kid hadn't done anything... she went on to explain what her daughter told her had happened... and I agreed with her, had the story her kid told been true... I would have been in the wrong... but when I showed her the camera footage of what had REALLY happened... she realized her kid had not told the truth... and the tone changed... the people who came with her were good.. they get it. they know the family dynamic, they know the substance abuse, the instability... and they have to maintain the relationship with the parent in order to have any hope of helping the kid... so they ask questions that the mom would perceive as supporting her but are raelly giving me the opportunity to really explain the situation... one of the people there, is new to the case... new to the job.. and at a couple of points I could have slapped her.. ok, not really slapped her, that is of course an exaggeration, but I could have done without her comments... she started to do what mom has done for the kids, for years... said things like, well don't all the kids do that? Is it really fair to expect that she can walk away from that situation? Ummmm No.. not all kids behave like that...and yes, yes I do expect her to walk away and if she can't we all need to figure out how to teach her that skill... By the end of the meeting, all were calm... mom had acknowledged that I am not the enemy.. I had said my peace... that this is not new behavior...that this behavior was going on in lower grades and required a lot of interventions... that this is not my fault or the fault of the school... that it is learned, practiced, and mastered behavior... behavior that needs to stop and change...
After the meeting I needed to take some time...which I never do... but got in my truck and did a run to dunkin donuts... I just needed time to decompress...
When I got back the student I described in an earlier post as my puppy who pees everywhere to mark her territory but then rubs up against your leg apologetically... came to school high... As I sat in my office with her while waiting for her parent I had to open my window...the concentration of smell of marijuana was so high... (no pun intended) I got a headache... I was paranoid afterwards and asked a trusted coworker to smell me to see if I smelled like pot.. the last thing I needed was to walk around school and have kids think I am using it.. sad sad sad...
I thought it was going to be a hell of a day if that was how it began... I was right... it was a hell of a day... but... not in a negative way... I had a chance to talk to a lot of kids today. I also took time to meet with the kid form the morning meeting, without all the people around..and was able to tell her if she can do 2 things... she will make it to graduation... 1- be where she is supposed to be when she is supposed to be there... and 2- Own her stuff.. if she does something own it, admit it, and learn from it... man oh man do I believe that... but things in her life need to change... things over which I have no control. So... we shall see...
Later I met with a kid with whom we have a funky history. Loyal readers of my previous blog may remember the story... when she gets in trouble at school she gets in trouble at home... she gets beaten... last year there was a situation where I screwed up... because of her past behaviors I saw her in a situation and made a judgement about what I thought was happening.. I thought she was AGAIN cutting a class and I went off on her... called her parents who freaked out... only to learn that she was not skipping... she was coming to talk to me about a friend she was worried about...a kid who was sexually assaulted... and I didn't even give her that chance to explain it... of course I apologized to her when I realized my error, but it was too late at that point, she was mad...rightly so. I was so worried about our relationship and worried that she was going to be beaten when she went home. After work that day I went to her house... to tell her parents I had screwed up... that it had been my mistake and to please not punish her at home... she reported to a social worker that she had not been beaten at home that night... since then... she has been cold towards me... and I totally understood it. That was last spring. This year.. she has been doing so much better. I have been monitoring her grades and attendance and have seen her in the halls this year and have said things like, hey, great job in English your grade is great... or ask her how she was doing... and the edge has gone away a bit... I saw her the other day and asked her how she was doing and told her I was proud of her for her grades all being at a level that was not only passing, but were really good... she seemed to appreciate it... I asked her if she wanted to sit with me at some point to look at her credits and where she is at in relation to graduation. She said yes. We tentatively chose a time... and when that time came, I went to find her and she was not where she was supposed to be... my heart sunk... her parents would freak if she missed a class... so... I tried again today... and before she came down, I got a call from a teacher asking if I could address her attire while she was there... oh great... have to talk to her about what she is wearing and cutting class... I was afraid it was not going to go well... She handled it well... understood the dress code piece...thankfully... and when I showed her attendance and said that I was concerned... I asked her if she knew why I was concerned... she said because I wanted her in class... I said yes, but what else.. she said, you don't want to have to call my parents... Bingo! I told her that I know whe I report things to her parents things for her get really bad... she looked me in the eye and held out her pinky to me... I asked what that was for and she said she needed to pinky promise that she would knock it off, that she would not skip another class. I felt cautiously optimistic at that point... and part of me wondered if I was getting played... we continued... looked at her grades...she really is doing great... then looked at credit recovery.. she failed classes along the way and I had worked to get her to be able to pass those classes so that she would have a shot at graduation...graduating on time... she is doing that work too! So when we went through and took inventory... she is in great shape for graduation... and when I told her that she got a little teary.. I asked her if she was getting a little emotional and she said Yes, I really didn't think I would get there... I told her I was proud of her and she asked me if she could get a hug! I paused and said, for real? She said yes, we have been through so much you and me, and I know you want me to do well and know you've been watching me and you have always talked to me about my grades... so I stood up and told her I was now the one getting a little teary... and she gave me a huge hug. I am still in awe... I told her if she keeps it up... I may ask her to become a mentor next year... to talk with kids who are struggling as freshmen and sophomores... and she said, for real? You would want me to do that? I said, yes... when you get to to that place where you know you are gonna graduate and can relate to kids who are struggling I think you could help them... she smiled and said she would LOVE to... so... fingers crossed...
Then I met with a student whose sibling had a recent suicide attempt (one of my kids) and am so glad I checked in with her... she is feeling lots of things... and we have connected her to one of our social workers and it is a good connection... so I am hopeful she will feel supported...
Then... I met with another kid... who has made huge efforts to change her social circle.. those changes have been super positive... she has great grades and when I asked her what she thought the difference was with her thisyear, better grades, better friends, etc... she said that she just knows what she wants to do, to go to college and get her chosen degree. We had such great conversation... we shared some ideas so that she can consider doing an internship next year as well as taking some college classes without having to pay for them... and it was just awesome. What a cool kid who knows what she wants... and so appreciative of any effort people put forth to help her...
So... while the morning started out rough... with some of my neediest kids and families... the other stuff in my day tipped things back into balance...
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Update
I am still here!!! And I have been writing...granted the writing I am doing has not been for my blog, but I have been writing nonetheless. A lot has happened since mid December and there will be no way I can cover everything. The holidays were good...I did go out to visit Sis and the boys for Christmas but came home the very next day so I could have time at home. In late January Dad and Betty stopped over on their way south. They have been in Florida since and are truly embracing the retirement lifestyle! (Though I am a bit worried about my dad when I hear that he is doing thugs like going to flea markets and playing bocci... Dad hasn't always ....yearned to join in on such activities...but I suppose what happens in Florida stays in Florida!
Work has been nuts! But as Rico recently mentioned,I think I do better at leaving work at work than I used to...(I know I still bring it home. It definitely am able to keep it a bit at bay since being in my house.) the boy I wrote about here...the one from Central America ... Is breaking my heart. I have been in touch with a few lawyers who don't think his case to regain asylum is very strong... Having to tell him that... Was so hard ... I need to call him down this week... After I told him about my findings he has been harder to find... I am worried about him...
I am spending a lot of time writing...working on a project that those who know me write about. I am hesitant a to be too public about it here because I don't want to end up connecting myself here to other online presence that could lead to people learning my identity which could then result in less protection for the identities of my kids... But that project is taking a lot of energy...but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have also been facing some decisions about some medical care... And have settled on having surgery in early April. I will be having a hysterectomy... A big decision...or at least that's what many people say when they react to the news... It is a big decision in that it definitively ends any chance I had of getting pregnant and giving birth... But it was not a big decision when I weigh the benefits and relief it will offer.
Those of you who know me well know that the decision, to officially end my option of having a baby is a. If one...emotionally. Logistically I can say that I am at a point where I do not want to have a baby. I am 40 and by the time I would be comfortable having a baby with someone I would want to know him for a long time... So... If I met that man tomorrow... I would be 42 at .east before imeven began trying to have a kid... Which means I would, if I was able to get pregnant, have a baby when I was 44 or 45... Which is risky...in many ways... Plus...that means the kid would graduate from college whenI was approaching 70!!! 70!!! I plan on having lots of fun Between now and the time I turn 70... And that fun doesn't include little league games when I am 60...being a soccer mom at 60.... That being said... If I get the opportunity to be a stepmother I would support the interests of those kids... But... Thinking of having a kid at this point in my life comes while looking through the lens of being single... Yes the scenario above involved a partner, but...I have no idea whatnthatnwould entail...so in my mind...if I had a kid ALL the responsibilities would fall on my shoulders... Would I be a great mom? No... I would be one hell of a mom... But... I am not sure that I would be the best mom I could be at this point in my life. I have a job that I love...a job that requires long hours and emotional drain... In order to be a good mother I would have to drastically change how I do my job... And I'm not sure I would be good at my job if I had to change how I do it.... I 'mother' many kids already... I know it is different... But it is true... And I am selfish...getting more so as I get older... I am getting to a place where I could take a spontaneous trip on a weekend... And places I want to go, given my interests, are not kid focused... I have no idea why people take kids under ten to NYC...even at ten it is a lot...so overstimulating.... So... Since I am. It using my uterus to grow a mini me... And it is doing nothing but causing me issues... It's time to say adios uterus!! A friend of mine is having similar issues and is so upset at the thought of losing her uterus...she said she has an emotional attachment to it.... She had kids...so I suppose I can understand that... But... It did the job she needed it to do... Time to set it free!!
I have had he chance to talk with Rico a couple of times recently...he gave me the gentle reminder that my blog had been inactive for a while.... Thanks Rico. I enjoy my friendship with him and often wish geography didn't have us so far apart!
I feel that way about many of my friends... I am hoping that as my project comes to a close and I recover from surgery I can take some time to visit my friends.
Jill has been back in New England for a while now...and I have not yet seen her new house. Jill, I will come to visit!!!
I am hoping to head out to Orrgon again this summer and perhaps add a road trip to Seattle in there as well....
And... The way the presidential election is shaping up, I really need to get my passport as we may all need to get the hell out of dodge!
This is a scattered post... I will try to take time to write more here... But then again...kayaking season is on the horizon...and you all know what that means!!
Work has been nuts! But as Rico recently mentioned,I think I do better at leaving work at work than I used to...(I know I still bring it home. It definitely am able to keep it a bit at bay since being in my house.) the boy I wrote about here...the one from Central America ... Is breaking my heart. I have been in touch with a few lawyers who don't think his case to regain asylum is very strong... Having to tell him that... Was so hard ... I need to call him down this week... After I told him about my findings he has been harder to find... I am worried about him...
I am spending a lot of time writing...working on a project that those who know me write about. I am hesitant a to be too public about it here because I don't want to end up connecting myself here to other online presence that could lead to people learning my identity which could then result in less protection for the identities of my kids... But that project is taking a lot of energy...but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have also been facing some decisions about some medical care... And have settled on having surgery in early April. I will be having a hysterectomy... A big decision...or at least that's what many people say when they react to the news... It is a big decision in that it definitively ends any chance I had of getting pregnant and giving birth... But it was not a big decision when I weigh the benefits and relief it will offer.
Those of you who know me well know that the decision, to officially end my option of having a baby is a. If one...emotionally. Logistically I can say that I am at a point where I do not want to have a baby. I am 40 and by the time I would be comfortable having a baby with someone I would want to know him for a long time... So... If I met that man tomorrow... I would be 42 at .east before imeven began trying to have a kid... Which means I would, if I was able to get pregnant, have a baby when I was 44 or 45... Which is risky...in many ways... Plus...that means the kid would graduate from college whenI was approaching 70!!! 70!!! I plan on having lots of fun Between now and the time I turn 70... And that fun doesn't include little league games when I am 60...being a soccer mom at 60.... That being said... If I get the opportunity to be a stepmother I would support the interests of those kids... But... Thinking of having a kid at this point in my life comes while looking through the lens of being single... Yes the scenario above involved a partner, but...I have no idea whatnthatnwould entail...so in my mind...if I had a kid ALL the responsibilities would fall on my shoulders... Would I be a great mom? No... I would be one hell of a mom... But... I am not sure that I would be the best mom I could be at this point in my life. I have a job that I love...a job that requires long hours and emotional drain... In order to be a good mother I would have to drastically change how I do my job... And I'm not sure I would be good at my job if I had to change how I do it.... I 'mother' many kids already... I know it is different... But it is true... And I am selfish...getting more so as I get older... I am getting to a place where I could take a spontaneous trip on a weekend... And places I want to go, given my interests, are not kid focused... I have no idea why people take kids under ten to NYC...even at ten it is a lot...so overstimulating.... So... Since I am. It using my uterus to grow a mini me... And it is doing nothing but causing me issues... It's time to say adios uterus!! A friend of mine is having similar issues and is so upset at the thought of losing her uterus...she said she has an emotional attachment to it.... She had kids...so I suppose I can understand that... But... It did the job she needed it to do... Time to set it free!!
I have had he chance to talk with Rico a couple of times recently...he gave me the gentle reminder that my blog had been inactive for a while.... Thanks Rico. I enjoy my friendship with him and often wish geography didn't have us so far apart!
I feel that way about many of my friends... I am hoping that as my project comes to a close and I recover from surgery I can take some time to visit my friends.
Jill has been back in New England for a while now...and I have not yet seen her new house. Jill, I will come to visit!!!
I am hoping to head out to Orrgon again this summer and perhaps add a road trip to Seattle in there as well....
And... The way the presidential election is shaping up, I really need to get my passport as we may all need to get the hell out of dodge!
This is a scattered post... I will try to take time to write more here... But then again...kayaking season is on the horizon...and you all know what that means!!
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