A Pinky swear...

Oh what a day...

It started with a meeting that was scheduled last minute... about a student returning from suspension... I anticipated a couple of people but it ended up being close to ten... many support people are in place for this kid...that will help... I hope... This is a parent I have known since starting this job... I worked hard with her older kid and am working hard with the younger... it was a rough meeting... the parent made some statements that were hard to take with a grain of salt... I know the parent, know the parent very well.  I know that no matter what, she needs to attack me (the school) ... tell me how little I have done for her kids... (in the moment where she is at her wits end and doesn't know what else to do...she forgets the meetings I had with her at a doughnut shop near her home...where we both were in tears about the choices her kid was making.. about the times I came to her house sat on her stoop and talked to her about her kid, about all of the things I have done to try to support her kids...to interrupt the behaviors...)  She attacked me again today... and while I know it is her defense mechanism and know by the end of the meeting she is able to admit that she is mad at her kid, mad at the situation and appreciates me.. but man oh man.. it kills me when she says that stuff... earlier this year she said that I was getting her kid in trouble because I wanted the kid to end back in Juvie... So... we sat in a meeting for close to an hour in which the mom was pretty aggressive... she said that I punished her kid when her kid hadn't done anything... she went on to explain what her daughter told her had happened... and I agreed with her, had the story her kid told been true... I would have been in the wrong... but when I showed her the camera footage of what had REALLY happened... she realized her kid had not told the truth... and the tone changed... the people who came with her were good.. they get it.  they know the family dynamic, they know the substance abuse, the instability... and they have to maintain the relationship with the parent in order to have any hope of helping the kid... so they ask questions that the mom would perceive as supporting her but are raelly giving me the opportunity to really explain the situation... one of the people there, is new to the case... new to the job.. and at a couple of points I could have slapped her.. ok, not really slapped her, that is of course an exaggeration, but I could have done without her comments... she started to do what mom has done for the kids, for years... said things like, well don't all the kids do that? Is it really fair to expect that she can walk away from that situation? Ummmm No.. not all kids behave like that...and yes, yes I do expect her to walk away and if she can't we all need to figure out how to teach her that skill... By the end of the meeting, all were calm... mom had acknowledged that I am not the enemy.. I had said my peace... that this is not new behavior...that this behavior was going on in lower grades and required a lot of interventions... that this is not my fault or the fault of the school... that it is learned, practiced, and mastered behavior... behavior that needs to stop and change...

After the meeting I needed to take some time...which I never do... but got in my truck and did a run to dunkin donuts... I just needed time to decompress...

When I got back the student I described in an earlier post as my puppy who pees everywhere to mark her territory but then rubs up against your leg apologetically... came to school high... As I sat in my office with her while waiting for her parent I had to open my window...the concentration of smell of marijuana was so high... (no pun intended) I got a headache...  I was paranoid afterwards and asked a trusted coworker to smell me to see if I smelled like pot.. the last thing I needed was to walk around school and have kids think I am using it.. sad sad sad...

I thought it was going to be a hell of a day if that was how it began... I was right... it was a hell of a day... but... not in a negative way... I had a chance to talk to a lot of kids today.  I also took time to meet with the kid form the morning meeting, without all the people around..and was able to tell her if she can do 2 things... she will make it to graduation... 1- be where she is supposed to be when she is supposed to be there... and 2- Own her stuff.. if she does something own it, admit it, and learn from it... man oh man do I believe that... but things in her life need to change... things over which I have no control.  So... we shall see...
Later I met with a kid with whom we have a funky history.  Loyal readers of my previous blog may remember the story... when she gets in trouble at school she gets in trouble at home... she gets beaten... last year there was a situation where I screwed up... because of her past behaviors I saw her in a situation and made a judgement about what I thought was happening.. I thought she was AGAIN cutting a class and I went off on her... called her parents who freaked out... only to learn that she was not skipping... she was coming to talk to me about a friend she was worried about...a kid who was sexually assaulted... and I didn't even give her that chance to explain it... of course I apologized to her when I realized my error, but it was too late at that point, she was mad...rightly so.  I was so worried about our relationship and worried that she was going to be beaten when she went home.  After work that day I went to her house... to tell her parents I had screwed up... that it had been my mistake and to please not punish her at home... she reported to a social worker that she had not been beaten at home that night... since then... she has been cold towards me... and I totally understood it.  That was last spring.  This year.. she has been doing so much better.  I have been monitoring her grades and attendance and have seen her in the halls this year and have said things like, hey, great  job in English your grade is great... or ask her how she was doing... and the edge has gone away a bit... I saw her the other day and asked her how she was doing and told her I was proud of her for her grades all being at a level that was not only passing, but were really good... she seemed to appreciate it... I asked her if she wanted to sit with me at some point to look at her credits and where she is at in relation to graduation.  She said yes.  We tentatively chose a time... and when that time came, I went to find her and she was not where she was supposed to be... my heart sunk... her parents would freak if she missed a class... so... I tried again today... and before she came down, I got a call from a teacher asking if I could address her attire while she was there... oh great... have to talk to her about what she is wearing and cutting class... I was afraid it was not going to go well... She handled it well... understood the dress code piece...thankfully... and when I showed her attendance and said that I was concerned... I asked her if she knew why I was concerned... she said because I wanted her in class... I said yes, but what else.. she said, you don't want to have to call my parents... Bingo!  I told her that I know whe I report things to her parents things for her get really bad... she looked me in the eye and held out her pinky to me... I asked what that was for and she said she needed to pinky promise that she would knock it off, that she would not skip another class.  I felt cautiously optimistic at that point... and part of me wondered if I was getting played... we continued... looked at her grades...she really is doing great... then looked at credit recovery.. she failed classes along the way and I had worked to get her to be able to pass those classes so that she would have a shot at graduation...graduating on time... she is doing that work too!  So when we went through and took inventory... she is in great shape for graduation... and when I told her that she got a little teary.. I asked her if she was getting a little emotional and she said Yes, I really didn't think I would get there... I told her I was proud of her and she asked me if she could get a hug!  I paused and said, for real? She said yes, we have been through so much you and me, and I know you want me to do well and know you've been watching me and you have always talked to me about my grades... so I stood up and told her I was now the one getting a little teary... and she gave me a huge hug.  I am still in awe... I told her if she keeps it up... I may ask her to become a mentor next year... to talk with kids who are struggling as freshmen and sophomores... and she said, for real? You would want me to do that? I said, yes... when you get to to that place where you know you are gonna graduate and can relate to kids who are struggling I think you could help them... she smiled and said she would LOVE to... so... fingers crossed...
Then I met with a student whose sibling had a recent suicide attempt (one of my kids) and am so glad I checked in with her... she is feeling lots of things... and we have connected her to one of our social workers and it is a good connection... so I am hopeful she will feel supported...
Then... I met with another kid... who has made huge efforts to change her social circle.. those changes have been super positive... she has great grades and when I asked her what she thought the difference was with her thisyear, better grades, better friends, etc... she said that she just knows what she wants to do, to go to college and get her chosen degree.  We had such great conversation... we shared some ideas so that she can consider doing an internship next year as well as taking some college classes without having to pay for them... and it was just awesome.  What a cool kid who knows what she wants... and so appreciative of any effort people put forth to help her...

So... while the morning started out rough... with some of my neediest kids and families... the other stuff in my day tipped things back into balance...