So... as most of you know... I am juggling a few things right now... writing a book, my ever crazy job, and getting ready for surgery... fortunately the writing has been a great distraction from the surgery... and I have been calm about things... well other than having to meet with hospital administrators to remind them about patient care...but since that I have been calm and taking it in stride... last week I donated my own blood in case I need a transfusion... and this week (in my oh so infinitely wise plan) I had a dental appointment to finish getting my crown... (That's right folks, it's official, I am royalty!! I prefer Queen to Princess... just in case you were wondering how to address me!)
This week at work has been... well... a shit show... very trying... and in the midst of dealing with some of that today my dentist called... and this is when I started to crack a little... they called asking if I could move my appointment today up a half hour... not a big deal...right? Well one would think... at least if that 'one' was rational. I told them I could do that easily as long as I could still get the nitrous oxide... (I have HUGE anxiety about going to the dentist... and when I got the temporary crown they used that magical gas and the appointment was tolerable...I even ALMOST told them they did a good job...that it was actually a good appointment... but... who would say such nonsense about the dentist?) For some reason... they were not going to be able to accommodate that. Excuse me? The dentist promised me I would get the gas on this final appointment... (I think she enjoyed my silent happy company!) The secretary told me they couldnt' do it today and that I needed to reschedule. I got a little...irritated... and told them it was not possible... I reminded them that I have surgery a week from Monday and when I agreed to do this whole crowning process it was with the understanding that this would be behind me by the time surgery rolled around. When we scheduled today's appointment I told them it was cutting it close, but they assured me it would be fine. (Why do I continue to trust medical people??!!) So... she asked if we could do the appointment on Monday. Ummm... NO. I have my pre op appt. Monday and told them it was unlikely I could emotionally manage having a pre op appointment AND a dental appointment in the same week. (I know my limits...usually.) I got grumpy... and apologized for it. I knew in that moment I was upset more about the lack of control I suddenly had vs. the appointment itself. (Imagine, me...a control freak? Who knew?? Ok.. maybe it is public knowledge.) I told them if there was absolutely no way it could happen today I could possibly do next weds. she told me she would get back to me. When I hung up I had this moment of HIGH emotions... and started crying.. not the heavy breathing kind of crying, just the warm tears streaming down my face kind of crying... and stood up, closed my office door, and stood with my back to it so nobody would see me crying if they were to walk by... What the hell was going on? Why was I crying? The thought of the stress from everything surfaced and I realized that I haven't really released the stress valve very much lately... and this... this was not a good time for that to happen. I worked hard to push it all down and got back to my crappy day of investigating a fight and who saw what and making a timeline of other events for the superintendent...(fun times!) My phone rang again and the dentist said to come in at 3:30. I felt better...strange given it meant having to go to the dentist.
When I arrived at the dentist the secretary came out from behind her desk to talk to me, to apologize.. she said she had totally forgotten about my surgery about the promise they made and said they know how much angst I have about the dentist and felt bad for ruining my day. Well, damn it... what happens when my emotions are high and someone is nice? I teared up.. again... Ugh... these emotions that are just under the surface ... I apologized to her told her I wasn't trying to be high maintenence and bitchy.. she said I wasn't that i was just asking them to do what they promised they would do... (She gave me a gift card to dunkin donuts to apologize... an unneeded gesture...about which I feel guilty...)
So.. the appointment started... and I got the happy gas... and started to relax a little... I get my crown and they also remind me they were going to check another thing they had noticed in my last xrays... something that would be a quick fix, a bit of filing on one of my teeth... correcting a bonding that was a bit too thick... was supposed to be easy... so after they do the crown they do an xray... to make sure it is in the right place... and she asks me about another filling next to the tooth that was getting crowned... I had both fillings done at the same time, about three years ago. I was already unhappy that the filling I had only three years ago needed to be replaced with a very expensive crown... but then to learn the other filling was also not done well... pissed me off... I told the dentist this was BS and that I didn't think I should have to pay for it if it was because it had been done poorly when it was done. She (who has been at this practice for a short time...the other dentist, the one who did the work, is no longer there.) said she thought she could talk to the office manager and have them pay for it because many of the previous dentist's patients have required having the work redone... (Mental note.. if they are going to pay for that other filling to be fixed because the old dentist had screwed up.. you bet your ass I am going to be looking to get some money back for this crown!) So... She says we can deal with that at another appointment, after my surgery... the happy gas seemed suddenly less effective... then.. she moved on to the 'little fixit'... and doesn't like what she sees... she found filling material embedded in my gums! No, not kidding. She said that it explained why my gums have been irritated and said we need to redo the whole thing. (This is one of my front teeth... which when I was a kid got broken by my friend's brother when he was throwing ricks at us... he was a lovely kid... rock thrower and also set mouse traps outside of my friend's bedroom so that when we came out we had to walk over them... a real charmer!) Redo the WHOLE thing? She again said it was ... in my words not hers, shoddy craftsmanship. She offered to do it today, but at that point the tears were streaming down my face and I had been in the chair for about an hour and a half... I told her I could not handle that today. She said she would again talk to the office manager and have the cost be to the practice not to me. She tried to comfort me... and I couldn't even talk at that point. Again, MAYBE if this was an isolated thing I may have not been so emotional but everything else that is going on... I just couldn't hold it in... usually they walk me out to the desk and I make small talk with the secretaries and talk about scheduling the next thing.. but as we got to the desk, I felt like the walls were closing in and they said something to me, not sure what, and I just said... I just need to leave right now...and walked out... I lost it in my truck... fell apart...
Eventually got to a point where I could drive... granted the tears were still streaming, but i was calm.. strange.. but the tears just wouldn't stop...
I made it home and as soon as I got inside... I just lost it again... went upstairs and literally jumped into bed and pulled the blankets over my head... and stayed there for a while....just let myself be upset... which is probably what I needed...
I got up after a bit and have been working on the final edits for the book, but the tears are still right at the surface... I have an early morning meeting tomorrow with our principal and some parents... I would prefer not to be at the meeting... but should be there... I am worried I will get emotional. I emailed the principal and told him I will try to hold it together, to not tell the parents what I really think, and apologized in advance if I need to leave the meeting or the building for a bit...
So.. I think I am a little stressed... what was my first clue, right?? So.. the book is so close to being done... and this weekend I am going to get to see a friend I haven't seen in a while... and plan on doing some cleaning, my house is a disaster and I want to get it back in order so it feels even better being here in a calm environment... and then... I am going to focus on some self care... and deep breathing...
Usually when I leave there I stop at the desk and they talk about next
appts or whatever...and they walked me out like usual and tried to make
small talk seeing i was upset and I started feeling really
claustrophobic and just needed to get out of there as fast as I
could... and have been crying off and on since...
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