'Tis the Season

Well... it's day six... of a hundred... and today was a winter wonderland.  The weather forecast had predicted crazy weather and I had gone shopping last night with anticipation of spending the whole day at home, watching holiday movies and doing some holiday treat making... I was very excited to sleep in this morning... a plan that was thwarted by a group text I have going with a couple of my friends who are also doing the 100 day challenge.  This morning's text was from Sara... she had gotten up early to get to the gym, hoping to beat the worst of the storm... she lives about 15 minutes from her gym, maybe 20... and when she got there...she had forgotten her sneakers!  She was a bit frustrated...headed home and ended up doing yoga with her daughter... I tried going back to sleep after getting her text, but...shockingly it was hard for me to turn off my brain...which often happens once it is awake. 

So, how's the hundred day challenge going? Well, so far so good.  I have hit the gym a few times using the elliptical machine and stationary bike... did some strength training and core work here at home one night using some new exercise equipment I had ordered a while ago but had not opened yet... and one night of pacing... I had to go to a hockey game for work and didn't have time between an after school meeting, a chiropractor appointment, and the game... so, I paced...back and forth for about 40 minutes... and I am counting it!  So.. I am six for six... so far so good.  It is tempting to not do it, as there are so many other things to do, including non active things like scrolling through social media!  But... I think my body already feels better.  I have a long way to go, but it's a start. 

Today I thought I would likely end up doing some strength training at home again...but this morning as I was being lazy I chose to watch a movie I found on Amazon Prime called "I Miss You Already."  I didn't read the description, just saw that one of the main characters was Drew Barrymore.  I like her..on and off the screen.  She seems to be one of the famous people who, after going through a bit of a wild stretch, 'gets it,' seems down to earth if you will.  The movie started out with Drew's character in the hospital getting ready to give birth...with nobody in the room with her except a nurse... eventually she says that she wishes 'Millie' was there... and that's where the story really began.  Flashbacks... of two little girls growing up together... a coming of age story... and the best friend, Millie, is diagnosed with cancer.  Breast Cancer. 

I should have shut it off at that point.  I didn't.  I watched it the whole way through... and, as cancer does in real life, it killed Millie... and Drew's character was there through it all, watching her friend die... it was heart wrenching... There were parts of it where I caught myself saying things like, how did they get her skin to look that color, that cancer color... or turn off the damn movie... I found myself sobbing through most of the ending... Not the most uplifting of things to watch on a day where I wanted to feel all Christmas-y. 

So  I looked at the roads... pretty well plowed...looked at my driveway...not plowed at all... and decided it was a good idea for me to go out.  Yesterday at work I received a check, a very generous check, from a business who wanted to do something to help people in their community have a good Christmas.  One of their employees is a parent of a kid at my school and she had heard about the food pantry/clothing closet I started and wanted the donation to go to that... (How great is that?!)  As it works out we have some families who have reached out to us, families who are afraid they cannot provide a Christmas for their kids because of their financial situation... so, I decided that the donated money should go to providing gifts under the tree... I also decided that it would go towards things that were practical... mostly clothing... I also bought wrapping paper and bows because I want the parents to wrap the gifts for their kids... Maybe that's a bit too idealistic, but my hope is that if they wrap the presents they feel more a part of the process...

It was a bit more challenging than I had anticipated... I am not up to date on the newest fashion and what teenagers may want to wear, but I had some lists to go from, provided by parents... and decided to get the items, plus a few more given what I know about the kids... One specified item was a winter coat, a specific brand and color... and I didn't think I would find it, but I did!  It was a bit pricey, but... it will be a nice surprise for this student... I don't think there will be expectations of actually getting it!  Part of me can't wait to see this student come into school, wearing it... So... the shopping excursion worked!  I felt very cheerful and happy to be able to spend money (someone else's money) knowing it will help people! 

As I was driving around I was paying close attention to how my truck was handling the roads.  This is the first winter I have had a truck with four wheel drive.  I hadn't missed it... I hadn't had it since I lived with my parents.. and luckily did fine, but there is a huge difference.  I know, without the 4wd, I would have had many moments of fishtailing... I definitely had more confidence driving in the snow today! 

After shopping I headed home by way of the gym... part of me was hoping the gym had closed due to the weather...sometimes I look for excuses... but to my chagrin it was open, with PLENTY of parking...  so I went in... I didn't do a crazy workout... but did enough to count in this challenge...  just enough...

I have been less active (besides kayaking this spring/summer/fall) for the last year or so than I need to be... and I know if I push too hard at this point I will hate the 100 day challenge, which I don't want to do... I really want to be successful, want to get into good habits as spring approaches... and hping to lose some weight too... need to look sharp for the book signings!

I was supposed to be away tonight... visiting my friend Meg.  But the storm canceled those plans... which... turned out okay.  I decided to have my first fire of the season.  It looks lovely and is kicking out some good heat!  The cats are sleeping upstairs and despite me bringing them down to try to convince them they would love to be by the fire, they have decided my bed is more comfortable.  So they are upstairs and I am not. 

I have always been a cat person.  Have always had cats.  Growing up we had a huge male tiger cat, Sammy.  He was one of a kind.  My sister and I dressed him up in our doll clothes and he let us.  He was a cat that loved attention and when he was especially affectionate would lick mine and my sister's ears. Weird? Yes... he would not do it to anyone else.  It was so strange, but we welcomed it.  As an adult I have had a few cats.. starting with Bear and Tess... Bear died early and I got Reuben... he also died young... Tess was a shy girl and I wanted her to have a friend... so I adopted Stella...  and after a while because I was crazy added Lucy and Sheldon to the mix... so at one point I had four cats... (Which is too many to have at once...at least for me, but we made it work...) then Tess got sick and we lost her... putting me down to 3 cats... Stella ended up needing a special diet and the vet said all the cats could eat the same food... which they did... then Sheldon got sick and was so sick I thought I was going to have to put him down, but ended up taking him back to the shelter where I had adopted him.  (At their request.)  Turns out he has a form of irritable bowel disease that is hard to manage... so hard that he is not adoptable from the shelter... unless one of the shelter volunteers decide to take him home... he acts as their Walmart greeter...which is perfect for him... but I feel really guilty for giving him up.  At the time I was renting and he was making messes that were ruining the carpets so I really didn't have a choice...

Since buying the house I have wanted a dog... I'm not sure why... I am allergic to dogs... though I have only ever had one reaction to them... (being in a vehicle in which a dog spent a lot of time, lots of hair and dander, without being cleaned out... it was winter so the windows were up and the air blowing the heat was not helping... so I had an asthma attack. )  Knowing I was 'allergic' to dogs, I have been reluctant to be too friendly with my friends' dogs... but the last couple years that my sister had her pug, I warmed up to him... Peepers was a good dog... and when he was older and not hyper I enjoyed him.  But there is something about a house that says I should have a dog...

Growing up we had a poodle, that I barely remember... but my grandparents...they had a dog, Mandy, that I adored.  This is us...

Gosh she was a good dog!  She lived in a house on a busy road and yet never went out into the road... no fences, no electric collar... just smart...and well trained I suppose.  She stayed in the yard, even if she was left at the house by herself.  The only exception was when she would walk the path that connected my grandparents property to our house... and she would sit at the edge of our property and whine.  The ONLY times this happened was when she had been left alone and there was going to be a thunderstorm.  She could sense it and hated them... so she would come to our house.  We would let her inside and enjoy her company until the storm passed or my grandparents came to get her.  I remember laying on the floor with her, using her as a pillow.  She was a great dog. 

I have been looking online at dogs.. lots of dogs... shelters all over Maine and looking at the websites of many rescue organizations...and there have been some dogs that look so cute that I have been tempted to get one of them... but... should I have a dog? Can I offer the care dogs deserve? Am I willing to have an animal that is much higher maintenance than cats? An animal I can't leave home alone for a weekend? Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I keep looking at pictures... Plus... a friend of mine has beautiful labs... last year they had a huge litter of puppies, one of whom I fell in love with, Emma!  Had she not been spoken for at the time of our meeting, that little lady may have been mine.  And... my friend may breed her dogs again in the spring and told me I could have first choice on the female pups... tempting...  why do I want a dog? Well.. I think that a dog would force me to walk more, to be more active... and there are times I think a dog would be good company, in a different way than the cats are.  I think about going on a camping trip (need a camper!)  where I could get away for a few days or a week, to find spots to kayak... or if I end up writing a second book, it would be great to plant myself somewhere for a while as I researched new places... but I think having a dog would make that more fun...

So I started thinking about having a dog on a trial basis... thought about asking some of my friends if they would let me borrow their dogs... but that felt weird... so I am looking into fostering dogs.  The local shelter has a description on their website... says that they need foster placements for dogs, puppies through senior dogs... for various reasons and with various commitments... it sounds like there are some dogs in need of weekend placements because there are less staff members present in the shelter on the weekends and some dogs really need people... there are some dogs who have been surrendered by their family and have never lived in a shelter environment and don't do well in that setting... and need a quieter place to be.  It is appealing to me, the idea of an older dog, who is calm, and cat friendly of course... and if I can have some say over when I can take a dog... it sounds like a perfect set up... the shelter pays for all food and medical needs... and I provide the TLC... and if I decide I am in need of a dog, I will move forward in that pursuit... if not, well... I won't.  Chances are this will be something that gets the dog thing out of my system... but perhaps it is more than that...

I do my foster training tomorrow at the shelter... I am not sure what to expect, but... looking at my fire tonight... it would be kind of nice to see a dog warming its belly in front of it! 

1/100

Weight is something that people view differently...handle differently... and approach differently... it's something my mother battled...probably daily... at least until the end of her life... I remember she told me to not worry about what I ate, about my weight...because life is too short... it was one of the many topics we talked about towards the end of her life. 

She battled her weight for as long as she could remember...sharing that one of her first memories in which she felt body conscious was when her mother told her that something she was wearing made her look like the broad side of a barn... she vowed, when she had kids, that we would not be told we were fat, or that something made us look big... that we would not be told what we could and could not eat...   and I think Mom stayed true to that... no matter the consequence...

As women we all remember things growing up, things that made us aware of our bodies and how they compared to those around us... I have always been the 'big girl.'  Whether it was the refs in the basketball games, men who saw me when I was walking the mall with my friends, or pretty much any stranger with whom I came into contact... I was the big girl...

My parents are/were big people... so they knew, when I was born at almost two feet long (23"...not kidding) and over ten pounds, that I too would be big... They worked hard, as I have shared before, to make sure I was confident... and I think, for the most part I have lived my life with confidence... in most areas at least. 

While I knew I was bigger, height and weight wise, than all my friends... it didn't bother me that much... I was so significantly taller than all of my peers that it made sense that I was bigger... so not being able to share clothes with my friends didn't seem like a big deal...

As an adult... I have always been overweight... there was a period of time when I had lost a lot of weight and I felt great... I was smaller than I was in high school... and had worked hard to get there.  It was at a time when my mom and sister were also working to be healthy and the three of us were killing it! 

Then I had all my knee stuff.. and in the three years it took to diagnose me properly I gained all the weight back, plus some... then knee surgery yada yada yada... and I have had some weight loss, but it always finds me again... and in the last couple of years, with my focus being on the book... I had a great excuse to not make my weight... a priority... but... that needs to change.  I am not healthy... well not as healthy as I need to be.  So... today I try to start again.. with being healthier... and am once again taking the one hundred day challenge... 100 days in a row in which I am active for 30 minutes... exercise for 30 minutes... it can be walking, or weight/resistance training...anything really that involves moving my body for 30 minutes...

So today I went to the gym... which was easy because it was a snow day and I didn't have to work.  It will be harder when I have to work... But.. I want to do this, need to do this... the last time I did the 100 day challenge and really stuck with it.. I lost 60 lbs... that would be great... because 100 days from today is March 21... which puts us in spring...when book signings will be popping up... and I want to feel good at those events...

So... I am 1/100 of the way to this goal...

hoping it is the beginning of some needed changes...

"I can't just not do something..."

Hello again.. it has been a while since I wrote for a reason other than the book... now that the book seems to be squared away I have been doing a little more writing... but haven't been public about what I have been writing... it hasn't been much... just some journaling of sorts which may or may not end up in letters... but... I think that I need to start blogging again... writing for writing or maybe to get thoughts out of my head in a way that may be a bit more productive than spouting on social media.. though there is a lot to spout about... But.. I will save politics for another post...though it may come through in subtle ways here politics is not my intended focus. 

I have been pissy since the election...(not politics, I promise) I have been struggling... with a lot of things... the election, trying to understand how a human who represents what he represents could get elected.... and have been struggling with some things at work... adjusting to a new work partner has been a challenge....especially since my last partner in crime at work was such a good fit... He and I do not see eye to eye on things... handle things in different ways... and I consider myself to be good at reading people... and he... he is a hard read... Earlier in the year I was ready to put up all kinds of walls of my own (ok, maybe that is a slight political reference...), walls between me and him... At first I really worked to make him feel welcome, to offer support, and to be a team player... despite that I found myself expending a lot of energy on him... on trying to involve myself in situations when he was talking with kids because I felt like his approach perhaps alienated some kids who were already feeling like outsiders... and it took a toll on me... I was run down... was sick a lot and had some mornings where going to work didn't motivate me to get out of bed... (Not that I wake up every morning thrilled to head to work, but... it was different than just wanting to sleep in...)  after much effort and energy I didn't feel like anything was changing so I gave myself permission to not have to like him... to not have to be on alert to jump in to save him from himself...(he specifically has asked me to help keep him out of the headlines...)  and it worked a little... then... I had a day where I was feeling really burdened by some resentment... towards a couple of people at work..and decided to put on my big girl panties and address them... the first conversation, with someone else, went well..and I felt like I could take on something else... so... I approached him... and we had a good conversation... I walked away feeling good about it...not because I thought it would change things, but because I had said my peace...

And... since then... coincidentally perhaps or perhaps not... he has seemed to shift a bit... I have gone from thinking he is a buffoon to thinking that he does care about kids...he doesn't show it in the same way I do or how other people do.. but he does care... and the kids or issues he seems to struggle with seem to be because of unfamiliarity or discomfort with the situations, not from lack of desire to help... he is not a person I have any desire to spend time with outside of work...which is sad in a way... (even though I had  made efforts to invite him to a couple of things...before I gave myself permission not to...)

Overall this school year has been calmer than the last few....(I hope I didn't just curse myself...)  Days have been busy, but manageable... there have been a lot going on with a small number of kids... sadly more mental health related than behavior related... not that I prefer behavior issues, but... the kids who are behaving badly are at least finding an outlet for their emotions... but the kids who are facing mental health stuff... are very concerning...

This is my 19th year in public education... 20th year of my career...(How can that possibly be??)  And I keep thinking that the sand in the hourglass is running out in one specific area... it is inevitable...I fear... that I will 'lose' one of my students... that someone will die, be killed in an accident, or kill themselves... few educators go through their whole career without having that experience... I feel lucky that in 20 years I have not yet had to attend the funeral of a student...

Technically you could say that that 20 year run ended recently... a former student, a kid I did not know well... took their life... a very sad story...which of course with suicide, goes without saying... the student was in school recently enough that some of our current students have been effected... but not to the same degree had this person been a current student... one of our current students, however...is being effected...big time...probably more than anyone else except perhaps for the parents... the current student is a sibling...

The sibling is a kid with whom I have had very little contact... so... it is a tough situation of knowing how to approach it... I haven't wanted to call the student to my office to say "hey kid I haven't really spoken to before, sorry about what happened, I'm here if you need me..."  While I want to be there... I also don't want the student to feel like there is an even bigger spotlight being shined... as I am certain that feeling is already there...

The universe can sometimes be...confusing... I cannot imagine how this sibling is feeling... I would be in the corner curled up in the fetal position, likely unresponsive, if one of my sisters committed suicide... and I am an adult...(Most days!) 

So.. towards the end of the day (the end of a crazy day when I was in the midst of looking at video, trying to find kids, and responding to a teacher's request for assistance in removing a kid from his class....) this sibling was in the office and asked if I had time to talk.  How could I not say yes? But I couldn't say yes at that moment... and somehow in that moment had a conscious thought of "treat this student 'normally'..."  (There's that word I hate so much...'normal.')  ..... so I said I was on my way to deal with something ( I was the only administrator in the building this afternoon) but that I wanted to talk  and asked if waiting to see me was an option or  if talking right after school was possible.  After school was the better option...

So...after the bell this sibling showed up and we talked... the student was unsure if I knew about what had happened... so somehow had the strength to tell me ... "I'm the sibling of the student who died recently...from unfortunate circumstances..."  I acknowledged I knew and shared a fond memory I had... the student then said to me... I want to start a program here... and I wanted to come to you to see if I could start talking to other people about it and named a couple of specific teachers who could be involved... " The conversation continued... the program is a music program... an after school program for kids to explore music, to learn more about music, maybe learn an instrument, and to find other kids who like music.  The goal being to offer something for kids who may not otherwise have a peer group... a way for kids who are highly at risk to make connections... that music is a universal way for people to relate... this student wants to do this in the sibling's honor... has researched an organization that can help with it... and said that this is  a way to channel the grief because doing nothing is not an option...

I was in awe... while knowing that at some point this kid will likely crash and will need to be in the fetal position... somehow... and I don't know how.. somehow this kid has not been paralyzed....instead is taking action... eventually wanting to be able to share this experience, share the sibling's story, with other kids, younger kids, and wants to be very involved with a group at our school already in existence to  that tries to offer support to kids around substance use...

I could barely hold back the tears... with watery eyes I said, 'YES, absolutely yes... I will support you in this effort and do whatever I need to do.  We will need to talk about some of the logistics, but YES... I will help you start a program that can be a way to help other kids like your sibling... in any way I can...'  And I was able to say that I was inspired by this... impressed with the strength it must take... and the response was simple... ' I can't just not do something...'

Wow. 

I can't just not do something...

Applies to so many things... (Yes, this DOES relate to current politics... I can't just not do something, say something.....but obviously it is way bigger...)

I was also able to weave in wanting to be a support person for this student and feel that I could now call the student into my office to talk, to check in, and it wouldn't be out of the blue....

Back to the universe...

This conversation happened this afternoon... this morning I participated in an event at a nearby school...where kids and adults shared stories to inspire, increase awareness, and remind us of our humanity... and got to see a student, so eloquent, speak about her battle with depression...her battle with suicidal thinking...about her losses...of two very close friends who did commit suicide... and thought about how brave she was for being vulnerable and sharing herself with the rest of us... It was a strong reminder about being transparent with kids... with the language we use... to be direct, to not ignore signs, to recognize that people want help...

So... I suppose today, for me... was about perspective...
I have so much in my life that is good... I am a fortunate person... I have stress, often a lot of stress... not always the kind of stress that causes me to be explosive or reactive... (though there was an event a few weeks ago where I absolutely lost my crap on someone in a public place... but that's another post..maybe!)  And while I am happy with so much in my life... it's okay to feel down about things... including work...and while work has been difficult this year... I love what I do... being able to see kids who have every right to shut out the world... instead choose to knock down some walls...