so far so good

Well.... The Rents hit the road yesterday, late morning... after being here for just about a week... they arrived last Sunday after a whirlwind trip from Florida where they had spent a couple of months escaping New England's winter... They came to be with me while I had and began my recovery from a hysterectomy.  Having a hysterectomy is a medical procedure, obviously, and in some situations can be a decision made by a patient... In this case, I was able to make the decision.  (I know I have shared some of this in previous posts... but it's my blog, so... you, if you choose to read it, get to see it again!) 

As I researched my options to deal with the medical issues I was experiencing, periods that were incapacitating, I talked to my primary care doctor as well as the surgeon to whom I was referred.  In addition to medical people I also talked with other people, people in my life who may have had information about why my mother had a hysterectomy (no conclusive information was found), people who have had hysterectomies, people who know my fear of cancer in a way more intimate than most, and a friend of one of my dearest friends... Rico... long time friend and blog buddy, insisted I talk to one of his friends... a friend of his and his wife's... I told him at first that was a ridiculous thing to do...why would I talk to a complete stranger about my periods? But, as Rico often does, he won... and in hindsight, I am grateful for his victory. 

He put me in touch with a woman who had experienced similar things during her periods... and I learned, had symptoms even more severe than mine... once bleeding out on her bathroom floor and required hospitalization.  Hearing what she went through made it clear to me that I did not want my symptoms to get worse... as it was, I was missing days of work, canceling activities with friends, and finding myself spending time in the fetal position unable to do anything else... Basically the rest of my body would shut down so that my period could run its course... and as time went on, it got worse, took more hours and days from me... prevented me from making plans to travel, impeded on adventures I wanted to take, and caused debilitating pain.  The only source of relief was time... time to let it do whatever it needed to do... and then recover...

Of course a hysterectomy was not the first option or even the only option... I started investigating how to make things better about six years ago... from what I have read, I was, as most women with similar issues are, prescribed the birth control pill.  The hormones are supposed to improve things... worth a shot... for some women that works... for me... I was in the small percentage whose body responds to the hormones by having a blood clot.  As a result I was told that I could not take the pill and that similar medications, with the same hormones, would likely cause another clot...and if I got another clot I would need to be on blood thinners for life.  (After being on them after the first blood clot, that was not something I wanted to do...)  So... in my brain, though there is no medical basis, ANY prescription that had ANY hormones were not something I was willing to consider.  This included implants of any kind...  so... my unwillingness to implant my body with something that sends hormones into my body really limited my options...

Basically I was down to three choices... 1 - do nothing and things would likely worsen.... 2 - have an ablation... or 3 - a hysterectomy... I think I have explained the options before so won't belabor them here... but for me, my personal choice was to have the hysterectomy. 

I wanted something that would guarantee a fix... a long term fix... and eliminating the risk of two kinds of cancer, was the right choice. 


So... overall, the experience, has not been as... painful/bad as I expected... fortunately my surgery was the first on my surgeon's plate on Monday.  Dad and Betty were here and drove me to the hospital.  We were met by a hospital advocate....after all the issues I have had with health care I chose to have someone there to witness my care... (Obviously having a hospital administrator present alters how people treated me, but... I needed it to go as well as possible...)  She was very helpful and supportive and stayed with me for all the prep for surgery, as did Dad and B... and she stayed with them during the surgery.  (I am SO grateful Dad and Betty were there... I know that I could have done it on my own, but there is still something about having my my parents with me for surgery that was important to me... ) 

The nurse who was the person to get me prepared was very sweet... she explained what she was doing, asked about my level of comfort often, and was very personable.  Before long the anesthesiologist arrived... he and I had spoken on the phone prior to surgery and it was nice to put a face to a name... and I got to see my surgeon... not long after I was given my happy juice and was wheeled away to the OR... I remember getting into the OR and moving to the operating table... I remember seeing a big light over me with smaller lights inside... remember a mask being put on my face and being asked if it was comfortable... and then I remember waking up in recovery and the same nurse from earlier in the morning telling me I was done and it had gone well.  I remember feeling disoriented but do remember there being a patient in the next curtain area who was not happy... his name was Charlie... the doctors and nurses kept saying, Charlie you need to relax, charlie you need to stop, Charlie if you want us to help you you need to relax.... during which Charlie was making noises like the ROUS (Rodent of Unusual Size) made when it was killed in the movie the Princess Bride... (Here is a youtube link if you ware interested!) Charlie was not happy.... I remember asking my nurse if I could get to my room sooner than later to get away from Charlie.  I don't think it took long before I was able to get into a room...

The doctor had told me that most patients stay overnight at the hospital... MOST... she said some were able to go home... I am sure most of you can guess which statistic I preferred to join... the nurse who was there to help me once I got to my room, was not a fan of the idea of me going home.  She explained everything to me, about how to order food, about how to call her, etc... when I mentioned that I would maybe be going home she told me that she doubted that, that most hysterectomy patients spend the night.  I told her my doctor and I had talked about it and that it was possible that I would get to go home.  After getting settled in I ordered a muffin and some ginger ale... told the 'rents they should go home and rest for a while... I knew my doctor would be stopping to see me at some point but that it may be a while and they should go home for a bit... they did!  I was pleasantly surprised.  the hospital administrator stopped to check on me and I told her I was okay and that she had been helpful and appreciated and that she should head out and see about helping other patients.  I drank lots of water and asked for an extra pillow to put under my arm where the IV was... that took more than an hour... the nurse came back, without a pillow, and when I asked for it again, she seemed annoyed... maybe she was having a long day... I rested for a while and woke up when my doctor came in to check on me.  She told me how things had gone and gave me some photographs of my uterus...things had gone well, but they had found more fibroids than anticipated... on the outside there were a lot of fibroids and on the inside there were more than the one detected in the ultrasound... (of course my brain translates fibroids to tumors..... and we all know where my brain goes from there... there is NO reason for me to suspect that there was any cancer, but... my fear creeps in and is real... I will be anxious until I get the pathology results...)... I was able to ask her if she thought that an ablation would have helped me... she said it probably would have helped, but would have been a very temporary help... she said it was likely that within a year, maybe two I would have really required this same surgery... I will ask her more questions about that in my follow up appointment, but couldn't help but think about Rico's friend's experience... had I not done this, would I have bled out somewhere? would I have needed emergency surgery to do the hysterectomy?  My gut tells me that that this was the best option for me... and I am happy with that choice...

I know I will have some moments of being emotional about it... about no longer having the option to have kids... really I had come to accept that giving birth to a child was not going to be part of my experience a while ago, but the finality of it is emotional.  I would have had cute kids... curly freckle faced kids... but... realistically, and maybe selfishly, though I think the word selfish is a little harsh... I am 40 years old... if I gave birth tomorrow I would be in my early 60s when the kid graduated from college... and during those next 20 years my life would revolve around that little person... I admire that people make that choice, and respect it... and think that in my 20s and 30s I would have been ready to make that commitment/sacrifice, but... now... as I am just into my 40s I see myself traveling, being able to take off and go to NYC for a weekend, just because I want to, on a whim... and this surgery has made those things more possible for me... I will no longer need to worry about trying to plan around my unpredictable periods, and won't have to worry about being across the country visiting friends and being in so much pain I cannot enjoy the visit...

I am so grateful that Dad and Betty wanted to be here for the surgery.  I think that given everything we went through with Mom... Dad doesn't want to be far away if one of us is under the knife.  I feel the same way.  I rested a lot while they were here, but tried to be up and be social a bit too... they puttered at things around the house... I am amazed at what got accomplished!  THANKS!!!  Dad had told me to make a daddy do list... and I put A LOT on that thing... and I am pretty sure he did them ALL, plus some things not on the list.  Betty kept us well fed and cleaned a lot... A housekeeper I am not... and with the hecticness of life lately, finishing my book, preparing to be out of work for a couple of weeks, and preparing for surgery... the house had not gotten the attention it needed... I am so lucky to have them in my life and that they so want to help...

I admit, as they were leaving yesterday I was a bit nervous... part of me was ready to fly solo, but I also knew that it would be harder to have to fend for myself... While they were here I worked to wean myself off the pain meds... I don't like to take them if I don't need them... and I am not allowed to drive while taking them... so knowing they were leaving was good motivation to get off the pain meds.  I was down to taking the pain meds at night and making it through the day on some heavy duty advil...

After they left I had some pain, maybe the most pain I have had since the surgery... and at the risk of sharing too much, I will say it ended up being gas... which was a relief... advice for anyone else who is going to have this surgery, take something to reduce gas... that is the worst pain I have had... and seems silly to have to worry about that after having had surgery!  I have a friend who is likely going to need to have a hysterectomy in the next few months... and so far, I have two things listed in the hyster kit I am going to give to her for afterwards... 1- Gas X... 2 - a pair of throw pillows... one to keep in the car to put between the seat belt and her belly, and one to have everywhere else... throw pillows are a good size and have a good thickness.... I have been sleeping with one over my left hip/stomach because the cats seem to think that's a great place to sleep when I am sleeping on my right side... and having the throw pillow has made it so that them being there doesn't bother me.  (Side note: one of my cats, Lucy, has been loving the fact that I am spending a lot of time in bed.  She is unhappy when I am not in bed and follows me around letting me know of her displeasure!)  

 'They' say the third day after surgery is the hardest... but yesterday was mine... physically I was the most uncomfortable I had been... and having Dad and Betty leave sent the point home that I had done this surgery, that it was behind me... and with that came a lot of emotions... relief... the reality of it... excited about knowing that my period days are over... some sadness about the finality of not having kids... and some sadness about being here solo... there are so few times where I resent being single... but this is one of those times... while I wasn't one of those patients who asked Dad and Betty to wait on me, it was nice to have them checking on me to see what I needed, bringing me fresh water, and making meals... and while I know if I had a boyfriend, it is likely I wouldn't really ask him for a lot either, it is the idea of having someone IF I needed something... (Yes I have a lot of friends who are willing to help and I have accepted their offers of assistance, but... it isn't the same thing...) 

I have appreciated that several people have checked in on me... Today Suellen came by and we went for a nice walk... the longest I have been on since surgery... about 0.7 miles round trip... which was plenty at this point... I had planned on going grocery shopping later...but she said she and her husband were going later today and told me to send her a list and I agreed... asking her to not judge me for putting chips on the list along with chocolate pudding (for some reason I had chocolate pudding in the hospital after surgery and that has really been hitting the spot!) 

I am glad that I don't have to go back to work this week... I don't think I could make it through the days... I am doing well, but... am very aware that I am healing... and promised myself I would give myself that time.