Mom has been on my mind a lot lately... I think the hysterectomy made me think a lot about the not having kids (obviously) and I spent a lot of time thinking about my mom... and how she would have loved seeing me as a mother... and while the rational part of me KNOWS that she would have supported my decision... and especially knowing that it eliminates two risks, completely, of cancer, Mom would say that is a no brainer.... but... she was such an amazing mother... and I think I miss her friendship as much as I do her parental relationship...
She has been on my mind so much as I wrote my book... as I thought about surgery... and since surgery... I miss her... so much... and still get really angry that she is gone... that she was taken... and tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of her death... April 18th she was taken... and while I remember being so ready for her to no longer be suffering and felt guilty for wanting her battle to end... losing her was still a shock to my system. As some know, I blogged a lot about that journey, about what I went through as I lost her... and I just looked back and read a couple of entries...the few days before her death... and the days after... Not sure why I feel the need to do that... but seem to do it each year... and it triggers all of those emotions... and memories... the last few days were not peaceful... the final hours, 24 to 36 maybe... were more peaceful than the previous days had been...
Re visiting it... makes me think about the death with dignity movement.. and while this is not the entry to go there... it is something that I feel is important... and as I think about...re-live those moments that loved ones should never have to witness or endure... death with dignity is a no brainer... I want to have the choice...
In reading some of my posts from that old blog... I shouldn't be... but am... struck by the bond between Mom and Dad... I slept in the living room with mom on some of the nights leading up to her death... not because I really wanted to, in fact I remember being pretty scared to do so... but because I knew Dad needed to have time alone and needed to sleep...and if he were going to get any sleep, he needed to be in his own bed... On those nights... when Mom got agitated, even refusing to take meds form me... the ONLY thing that would alleviate her angst was seeing Dad...having him be beside her... like he had been for all the years of their marriage...
There is something so beautiful about that... romantic even... and tragic... I hate that her death was tragic because her life was anything but...
After she died... I remember a friend who had lost her mom told me that grief was like the ocean... always there, always moving... and that there would be days where it was overwhelming and days where it was eerily calm.... how very true... while I can say that life has moved on in these last seven years since she died... the loss of her...the pain of that loss... has not lessened...
I think about the things she has missed... and how we have missed having her be part of them... graduations... both Sis and I now have our Masters... seeing the boys get so big and be so amazing... such incredible people they have become and are becoming.... seeing me as an administrator... a home owner... author... and the day to day things... I know she would be proud...that her smile would light up the room as she shared all of those things...
I would not want her to have continued suffering... of course not... But I hate that she is gone...
I am my mother's daughter... because I thought that was going to be the end of this entry... because ending with 'I hate that she is gone' is really my final thought on it... but... like my mother, I don't like things to leave on such a crappy tone... So... I will share this...
When Dad and Betty started dating... and Betty and I had become friends on facebook... and she was helping my Dad find his smile... and the anniversary of Mom's death was approaching, I sent Betty a note.. saying that she should be aware that April 18th would be a hard day for the big man...that is is a hard day for all of us... and she was appreciative of me letting her know because she wanted to be able to support him... and also wanted to be able to talk about Mom with him... I am so grateful that Betty knew Mom... so... I have found myself in the last few years continuing to send her a message to remind her to look out for Dad at these times... she responds in a way that Mom would so appreciate... she said to me today, via message, that Mom will always be a part of 'our' life...meaning the life she and dad now share... and that 'we' won't avoid talking about her. And then she said that she was thinking about how much I must be missing Mom...
So... as we say in our family often... while we would not have chosen for things to go the way they have gone.... given the circumstances that have brought us to where we are... we are so very lucky... and that is the truth... and I am so very grateful that Dad has allowed himself to love again... I attribute that to Mom in many ways... and to him of course... his ability to do that has added much to our lives... and has brought Betty and Jacey into our lives... and I love them.... will always love them... and love that they, in their own way, share the grief that we have for Mom... which I think takes special people to be able to do that...
I miss you Mom... I see much of you in me... and I am grateful... Dad misses you too... Sis too... As I look back at the night that you died... I feel lucky that Sis, Dad, and I were with you... we were together, our family...
I love you.
tulips
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Lists are overrated...
I am feeling So good!!! It feels good to feel good! There are moments when I feel like I did before surgery but then things remind me that I am not as far along as I sometimes think... and I am listening to my body and not pushing it....
Today I was optimistic about what I would be able to get done... and so I made a list:
- return passport application to the post office and get it processed (Yes it IS about time to get a passport!)
- get gas
- Mani/Pedi
- find some spring shirts
- make something delicious to eat (finding going out to eat right now is not agreeing with my stomach so staying in is better, but finding motivation to make something is lacking!)
- Stop at Target to pick up a few things
-Go and pick out a nice color to paint the shelf for the soon to be herb garden
- Go downtown and walk around and just enjoy the sun and one of my favorite cities and MAYBE sneak into my favorite gelato place and get their flavor of the week raspberry cookie dough gelato! (Their Netflix and Chill flavor sounds great too...caramel, peanut butter cups, brownie bites and maybe a few kisses.... ) and maybe take an old ring I have to the jeweler to see if it is possible to be resized.... (belonged to a deceased old cousin who was also an educator...I have had it for a while, but been thinking I would like to start wearing it.)
- do some laundry
Well... I slept until about 9:00... which is great except that I was awake until like 2 a.m. (not sure why) so I was lazy and watched tv for a bit... then my neighbor texted and told me flowers had been delivered to their house because I had not answered my door... (hmm... didn't hear anyone at my door... may have to figure that out...) So I got up and showered and went over to get the flowers... (that was probably around 10 or a bit after) they were beautiful... from my fellow administrators... and came home... I made some breakfast and gathered some laundry and got that going in the washer... and before I knew it, it was like 2:00?? So... Immediately cross off going to the post office as the passport window closed at noon... (add it to next week's list) ... so decided I would go for the mani pedi to be followed by walking around downtown... well the place I like to go to get mani/pedi was packed! Usually I get there, pick my colors, and sit down and things get started... but today there wasn't an empty seat... but because I really like them, I decided to wait.. in all I sat for about 25 minutes waiting for an opening. Got my mani pedi... which was very relaxing... sometimes it is fun to go with friends, having time to catch up, but I have to say, today it was nice to be solo and not need to engage in conversation. (though I did eavesdrop on other conversations...There was an elderly woman who came in and was in the chair beside me... she was a regular... I could tell because she knew all the people working there by name and they doted on her, which was sweet to see. She said 'my regular' please...and they knew she just wanted her toenails trimmed and painted...painted a very neutral color... and even though they were busy and were asking other people to finish drying in the other room with the dryers, they asked her to just sit and relax in the comfortable chairs and encouraged her to do a few more rounds of massage from the automated chair... she seemed so tickled...she kept asking them if she should go, to give someone else her chair and seemed so incredibly tickled when they would tell her her nails were not yet dry and they needed her to stay. They all updated her on their kids and their travels and asked about hers in return... it was fun to watch. This is one of the reasons I like this particular salon. ) By the time I finished there it was almost 4... and my motivation, to find parking downtown, dropped... knowing the temperature would be dropping a bit as the sun was going down, didn't make walking around as enjoyable... (maybe tomorrow... but the gelato?? man I forgot about the gelato until I started this entry... )... so then I decided to see if I could find a couple of spring shirts... goodness knows I have enough clothes, but... retail therapy was something I needed and want some variety of things that are not sweaters and long sleeves.... I stopped at two places... and found a couple of shirts...but didn't have the desire to try them on at the store... I bought them and if they don't work, will take them back. After leaving the clothing store... I was at the intersection where I could go straight, which would lead to going home, or going left, which led to getting gas and going to target... in my head, left would mean having to do both... and I kind of just wanted to come home... get some food going and relax... I'm tired... not from the surgery, but from not sleeping much last night... so... I drove straight... came home... and here I am...
I will probably put the laundry into the dryer... and will probably make some food (of course there's always toast) ... but will definitely relax....
So... today's lesson... is that making lists is not a bad thing to do... but... letting myself off the hook for not checking off all the items is also okay... could I have done at least a couple more things...of course, but decided to come home and stretch out a bit... (As good as I am feeling I still find that after being up and around for any length of time results in needing to take some time to recline or lay down... as many people have told me... 'you only heal once'... and I am keeping that in the forefront of my mind....
So... that's a brief update... time to make some dinner...or.... sit and see if my personal chef shows up... but that could result in a lot of sitting and waiting...
Today I was optimistic about what I would be able to get done... and so I made a list:
- return passport application to the post office and get it processed (Yes it IS about time to get a passport!)
- get gas
- Mani/Pedi
- find some spring shirts
- make something delicious to eat (finding going out to eat right now is not agreeing with my stomach so staying in is better, but finding motivation to make something is lacking!)
- Stop at Target to pick up a few things
-Go and pick out a nice color to paint the shelf for the soon to be herb garden
- Go downtown and walk around and just enjoy the sun and one of my favorite cities and MAYBE sneak into my favorite gelato place and get their flavor of the week raspberry cookie dough gelato! (Their Netflix and Chill flavor sounds great too...caramel, peanut butter cups, brownie bites and maybe a few kisses.... ) and maybe take an old ring I have to the jeweler to see if it is possible to be resized.... (belonged to a deceased old cousin who was also an educator...I have had it for a while, but been thinking I would like to start wearing it.)
- do some laundry
Well... I slept until about 9:00... which is great except that I was awake until like 2 a.m. (not sure why) so I was lazy and watched tv for a bit... then my neighbor texted and told me flowers had been delivered to their house because I had not answered my door... (hmm... didn't hear anyone at my door... may have to figure that out...) So I got up and showered and went over to get the flowers... (that was probably around 10 or a bit after) they were beautiful... from my fellow administrators... and came home... I made some breakfast and gathered some laundry and got that going in the washer... and before I knew it, it was like 2:00?? So... Immediately cross off going to the post office as the passport window closed at noon... (add it to next week's list) ... so decided I would go for the mani pedi to be followed by walking around downtown... well the place I like to go to get mani/pedi was packed! Usually I get there, pick my colors, and sit down and things get started... but today there wasn't an empty seat... but because I really like them, I decided to wait.. in all I sat for about 25 minutes waiting for an opening. Got my mani pedi... which was very relaxing... sometimes it is fun to go with friends, having time to catch up, but I have to say, today it was nice to be solo and not need to engage in conversation. (though I did eavesdrop on other conversations...There was an elderly woman who came in and was in the chair beside me... she was a regular... I could tell because she knew all the people working there by name and they doted on her, which was sweet to see. She said 'my regular' please...and they knew she just wanted her toenails trimmed and painted...painted a very neutral color... and even though they were busy and were asking other people to finish drying in the other room with the dryers, they asked her to just sit and relax in the comfortable chairs and encouraged her to do a few more rounds of massage from the automated chair... she seemed so tickled...she kept asking them if she should go, to give someone else her chair and seemed so incredibly tickled when they would tell her her nails were not yet dry and they needed her to stay. They all updated her on their kids and their travels and asked about hers in return... it was fun to watch. This is one of the reasons I like this particular salon. ) By the time I finished there it was almost 4... and my motivation, to find parking downtown, dropped... knowing the temperature would be dropping a bit as the sun was going down, didn't make walking around as enjoyable... (maybe tomorrow... but the gelato?? man I forgot about the gelato until I started this entry... )... so then I decided to see if I could find a couple of spring shirts... goodness knows I have enough clothes, but... retail therapy was something I needed and want some variety of things that are not sweaters and long sleeves.... I stopped at two places... and found a couple of shirts...but didn't have the desire to try them on at the store... I bought them and if they don't work, will take them back. After leaving the clothing store... I was at the intersection where I could go straight, which would lead to going home, or going left, which led to getting gas and going to target... in my head, left would mean having to do both... and I kind of just wanted to come home... get some food going and relax... I'm tired... not from the surgery, but from not sleeping much last night... so... I drove straight... came home... and here I am...
I will probably put the laundry into the dryer... and will probably make some food (of course there's always toast) ... but will definitely relax....
So... today's lesson... is that making lists is not a bad thing to do... but... letting myself off the hook for not checking off all the items is also okay... could I have done at least a couple more things...of course, but decided to come home and stretch out a bit... (As good as I am feeling I still find that after being up and around for any length of time results in needing to take some time to recline or lay down... as many people have told me... 'you only heal once'... and I am keeping that in the forefront of my mind....
So... that's a brief update... time to make some dinner...or.... sit and see if my personal chef shows up... but that could result in a lot of sitting and waiting...
Sunday, April 10, 2016
so far so good
Well.... The Rents hit the road yesterday, late morning... after being here for just about a week... they arrived last Sunday after a whirlwind trip from Florida where they had spent a couple of months escaping New England's winter... They came to be with me while I had and began my recovery from a hysterectomy. Having a hysterectomy is a medical procedure, obviously, and in some situations can be a decision made by a patient... In this case, I was able to make the decision. (I know I have shared some of this in previous posts... but it's my blog, so... you, if you choose to read it, get to see it again!)
As I researched my options to deal with the medical issues I was experiencing, periods that were incapacitating, I talked to my primary care doctor as well as the surgeon to whom I was referred. In addition to medical people I also talked with other people, people in my life who may have had information about why my mother had a hysterectomy (no conclusive information was found), people who have had hysterectomies, people who know my fear of cancer in a way more intimate than most, and a friend of one of my dearest friends... Rico... long time friend and blog buddy, insisted I talk to one of his friends... a friend of his and his wife's... I told him at first that was a ridiculous thing to do...why would I talk to a complete stranger about my periods? But, as Rico often does, he won... and in hindsight, I am grateful for his victory.
He put me in touch with a woman who had experienced similar things during her periods... and I learned, had symptoms even more severe than mine... once bleeding out on her bathroom floor and required hospitalization. Hearing what she went through made it clear to me that I did not want my symptoms to get worse... as it was, I was missing days of work, canceling activities with friends, and finding myself spending time in the fetal position unable to do anything else... Basically the rest of my body would shut down so that my period could run its course... and as time went on, it got worse, took more hours and days from me... prevented me from making plans to travel, impeded on adventures I wanted to take, and caused debilitating pain. The only source of relief was time... time to let it do whatever it needed to do... and then recover...
Of course a hysterectomy was not the first option or even the only option... I started investigating how to make things better about six years ago... from what I have read, I was, as most women with similar issues are, prescribed the birth control pill. The hormones are supposed to improve things... worth a shot... for some women that works... for me... I was in the small percentage whose body responds to the hormones by having a blood clot. As a result I was told that I could not take the pill and that similar medications, with the same hormones, would likely cause another clot...and if I got another clot I would need to be on blood thinners for life. (After being on them after the first blood clot, that was not something I wanted to do...) So... in my brain, though there is no medical basis, ANY prescription that had ANY hormones were not something I was willing to consider. This included implants of any kind... so... my unwillingness to implant my body with something that sends hormones into my body really limited my options...
Basically I was down to three choices... 1 - do nothing and things would likely worsen.... 2 - have an ablation... or 3 - a hysterectomy... I think I have explained the options before so won't belabor them here... but for me, my personal choice was to have the hysterectomy.
I wanted something that would guarantee a fix... a long term fix... and eliminating the risk of two kinds of cancer, was the right choice.
So... overall, the experience, has not been as... painful/bad as I expected... fortunately my surgery was the first on my surgeon's plate on Monday. Dad and Betty were here and drove me to the hospital. We were met by a hospital advocate....after all the issues I have had with health care I chose to have someone there to witness my care... (Obviously having a hospital administrator present alters how people treated me, but... I needed it to go as well as possible...) She was very helpful and supportive and stayed with me for all the prep for surgery, as did Dad and B... and she stayed with them during the surgery. (I am SO grateful Dad and Betty were there... I know that I could have done it on my own, but there is still something about having my my parents with me for surgery that was important to me... )
The nurse who was the person to get me prepared was very sweet... she explained what she was doing, asked about my level of comfort often, and was very personable. Before long the anesthesiologist arrived... he and I had spoken on the phone prior to surgery and it was nice to put a face to a name... and I got to see my surgeon... not long after I was given my happy juice and was wheeled away to the OR... I remember getting into the OR and moving to the operating table... I remember seeing a big light over me with smaller lights inside... remember a mask being put on my face and being asked if it was comfortable... and then I remember waking up in recovery and the same nurse from earlier in the morning telling me I was done and it had gone well. I remember feeling disoriented but do remember there being a patient in the next curtain area who was not happy... his name was Charlie... the doctors and nurses kept saying, Charlie you need to relax, charlie you need to stop, Charlie if you want us to help you you need to relax.... during which Charlie was making noises like the ROUS (Rodent of Unusual Size) made when it was killed in the movie the Princess Bride... (Here is a youtube link if you ware interested!) Charlie was not happy.... I remember asking my nurse if I could get to my room sooner than later to get away from Charlie. I don't think it took long before I was able to get into a room...
The doctor had told me that most patients stay overnight at the hospital... MOST... she said some were able to go home... I am sure most of you can guess which statistic I preferred to join... the nurse who was there to help me once I got to my room, was not a fan of the idea of me going home. She explained everything to me, about how to order food, about how to call her, etc... when I mentioned that I would maybe be going home she told me that she doubted that, that most hysterectomy patients spend the night. I told her my doctor and I had talked about it and that it was possible that I would get to go home. After getting settled in I ordered a muffin and some ginger ale... told the 'rents they should go home and rest for a while... I knew my doctor would be stopping to see me at some point but that it may be a while and they should go home for a bit... they did! I was pleasantly surprised. the hospital administrator stopped to check on me and I told her I was okay and that she had been helpful and appreciated and that she should head out and see about helping other patients. I drank lots of water and asked for an extra pillow to put under my arm where the IV was... that took more than an hour... the nurse came back, without a pillow, and when I asked for it again, she seemed annoyed... maybe she was having a long day... I rested for a while and woke up when my doctor came in to check on me. She told me how things had gone and gave me some photographs of my uterus...things had gone well, but they had found more fibroids than anticipated... on the outside there were a lot of fibroids and on the inside there were more than the one detected in the ultrasound... (of course my brain translates fibroids to tumors..... and we all know where my brain goes from there... there is NO reason for me to suspect that there was any cancer, but... my fear creeps in and is real... I will be anxious until I get the pathology results...)... I was able to ask her if she thought that an ablation would have helped me... she said it probably would have helped, but would have been a very temporary help... she said it was likely that within a year, maybe two I would have really required this same surgery... I will ask her more questions about that in my follow up appointment, but couldn't help but think about Rico's friend's experience... had I not done this, would I have bled out somewhere? would I have needed emergency surgery to do the hysterectomy? My gut tells me that that this was the best option for me... and I am happy with that choice...
I know I will have some moments of being emotional about it... about no longer having the option to have kids... really I had come to accept that giving birth to a child was not going to be part of my experience a while ago, but the finality of it is emotional. I would have had cute kids... curly freckle faced kids... but... realistically, and maybe selfishly, though I think the word selfish is a little harsh... I am 40 years old... if I gave birth tomorrow I would be in my early 60s when the kid graduated from college... and during those next 20 years my life would revolve around that little person... I admire that people make that choice, and respect it... and think that in my 20s and 30s I would have been ready to make that commitment/sacrifice, but... now... as I am just into my 40s I see myself traveling, being able to take off and go to NYC for a weekend, just because I want to, on a whim... and this surgery has made those things more possible for me... I will no longer need to worry about trying to plan around my unpredictable periods, and won't have to worry about being across the country visiting friends and being in so much pain I cannot enjoy the visit...
I am so grateful that Dad and Betty wanted to be here for the surgery. I think that given everything we went through with Mom... Dad doesn't want to be far away if one of us is under the knife. I feel the same way. I rested a lot while they were here, but tried to be up and be social a bit too... they puttered at things around the house... I am amazed at what got accomplished! THANKS!!! Dad had told me to make a daddy do list... and I put A LOT on that thing... and I am pretty sure he did them ALL, plus some things not on the list. Betty kept us well fed and cleaned a lot... A housekeeper I am not... and with the hecticness of life lately, finishing my book, preparing to be out of work for a couple of weeks, and preparing for surgery... the house had not gotten the attention it needed... I am so lucky to have them in my life and that they so want to help...
I admit, as they were leaving yesterday I was a bit nervous... part of me was ready to fly solo, but I also knew that it would be harder to have to fend for myself... While they were here I worked to wean myself off the pain meds... I don't like to take them if I don't need them... and I am not allowed to drive while taking them... so knowing they were leaving was good motivation to get off the pain meds. I was down to taking the pain meds at night and making it through the day on some heavy duty advil...
After they left I had some pain, maybe the most pain I have had since the surgery... and at the risk of sharing too much, I will say it ended up being gas... which was a relief... advice for anyone else who is going to have this surgery, take something to reduce gas... that is the worst pain I have had... and seems silly to have to worry about that after having had surgery! I have a friend who is likely going to need to have a hysterectomy in the next few months... and so far, I have two things listed in the hyster kit I am going to give to her for afterwards... 1- Gas X... 2 - a pair of throw pillows... one to keep in the car to put between the seat belt and her belly, and one to have everywhere else... throw pillows are a good size and have a good thickness.... I have been sleeping with one over my left hip/stomach because the cats seem to think that's a great place to sleep when I am sleeping on my right side... and having the throw pillow has made it so that them being there doesn't bother me. (Side note: one of my cats, Lucy, has been loving the fact that I am spending a lot of time in bed. She is unhappy when I am not in bed and follows me around letting me know of her displeasure!)
'They' say the third day after surgery is the hardest... but yesterday was mine... physically I was the most uncomfortable I had been... and having Dad and Betty leave sent the point home that I had done this surgery, that it was behind me... and with that came a lot of emotions... relief... the reality of it... excited about knowing that my period days are over... some sadness about the finality of not having kids... and some sadness about being here solo... there are so few times where I resent being single... but this is one of those times... while I wasn't one of those patients who asked Dad and Betty to wait on me, it was nice to have them checking on me to see what I needed, bringing me fresh water, and making meals... and while I know if I had a boyfriend, it is likely I wouldn't really ask him for a lot either, it is the idea of having someone IF I needed something... (Yes I have a lot of friends who are willing to help and I have accepted their offers of assistance, but... it isn't the same thing...)
I have appreciated that several people have checked in on me... Today Suellen came by and we went for a nice walk... the longest I have been on since surgery... about 0.7 miles round trip... which was plenty at this point... I had planned on going grocery shopping later...but she said she and her husband were going later today and told me to send her a list and I agreed... asking her to not judge me for putting chips on the list along with chocolate pudding (for some reason I had chocolate pudding in the hospital after surgery and that has really been hitting the spot!)
I am glad that I don't have to go back to work this week... I don't think I could make it through the days... I am doing well, but... am very aware that I am healing... and promised myself I would give myself that time.
As I researched my options to deal with the medical issues I was experiencing, periods that were incapacitating, I talked to my primary care doctor as well as the surgeon to whom I was referred. In addition to medical people I also talked with other people, people in my life who may have had information about why my mother had a hysterectomy (no conclusive information was found), people who have had hysterectomies, people who know my fear of cancer in a way more intimate than most, and a friend of one of my dearest friends... Rico... long time friend and blog buddy, insisted I talk to one of his friends... a friend of his and his wife's... I told him at first that was a ridiculous thing to do...why would I talk to a complete stranger about my periods? But, as Rico often does, he won... and in hindsight, I am grateful for his victory.
He put me in touch with a woman who had experienced similar things during her periods... and I learned, had symptoms even more severe than mine... once bleeding out on her bathroom floor and required hospitalization. Hearing what she went through made it clear to me that I did not want my symptoms to get worse... as it was, I was missing days of work, canceling activities with friends, and finding myself spending time in the fetal position unable to do anything else... Basically the rest of my body would shut down so that my period could run its course... and as time went on, it got worse, took more hours and days from me... prevented me from making plans to travel, impeded on adventures I wanted to take, and caused debilitating pain. The only source of relief was time... time to let it do whatever it needed to do... and then recover...
Of course a hysterectomy was not the first option or even the only option... I started investigating how to make things better about six years ago... from what I have read, I was, as most women with similar issues are, prescribed the birth control pill. The hormones are supposed to improve things... worth a shot... for some women that works... for me... I was in the small percentage whose body responds to the hormones by having a blood clot. As a result I was told that I could not take the pill and that similar medications, with the same hormones, would likely cause another clot...and if I got another clot I would need to be on blood thinners for life. (After being on them after the first blood clot, that was not something I wanted to do...) So... in my brain, though there is no medical basis, ANY prescription that had ANY hormones were not something I was willing to consider. This included implants of any kind... so... my unwillingness to implant my body with something that sends hormones into my body really limited my options...
Basically I was down to three choices... 1 - do nothing and things would likely worsen.... 2 - have an ablation... or 3 - a hysterectomy... I think I have explained the options before so won't belabor them here... but for me, my personal choice was to have the hysterectomy.
I wanted something that would guarantee a fix... a long term fix... and eliminating the risk of two kinds of cancer, was the right choice.
So... overall, the experience, has not been as... painful/bad as I expected... fortunately my surgery was the first on my surgeon's plate on Monday. Dad and Betty were here and drove me to the hospital. We were met by a hospital advocate....after all the issues I have had with health care I chose to have someone there to witness my care... (Obviously having a hospital administrator present alters how people treated me, but... I needed it to go as well as possible...) She was very helpful and supportive and stayed with me for all the prep for surgery, as did Dad and B... and she stayed with them during the surgery. (I am SO grateful Dad and Betty were there... I know that I could have done it on my own, but there is still something about having my my parents with me for surgery that was important to me... )
The nurse who was the person to get me prepared was very sweet... she explained what she was doing, asked about my level of comfort often, and was very personable. Before long the anesthesiologist arrived... he and I had spoken on the phone prior to surgery and it was nice to put a face to a name... and I got to see my surgeon... not long after I was given my happy juice and was wheeled away to the OR... I remember getting into the OR and moving to the operating table... I remember seeing a big light over me with smaller lights inside... remember a mask being put on my face and being asked if it was comfortable... and then I remember waking up in recovery and the same nurse from earlier in the morning telling me I was done and it had gone well. I remember feeling disoriented but do remember there being a patient in the next curtain area who was not happy... his name was Charlie... the doctors and nurses kept saying, Charlie you need to relax, charlie you need to stop, Charlie if you want us to help you you need to relax.... during which Charlie was making noises like the ROUS (Rodent of Unusual Size) made when it was killed in the movie the Princess Bride... (Here is a youtube link if you ware interested!) Charlie was not happy.... I remember asking my nurse if I could get to my room sooner than later to get away from Charlie. I don't think it took long before I was able to get into a room...
The doctor had told me that most patients stay overnight at the hospital... MOST... she said some were able to go home... I am sure most of you can guess which statistic I preferred to join... the nurse who was there to help me once I got to my room, was not a fan of the idea of me going home. She explained everything to me, about how to order food, about how to call her, etc... when I mentioned that I would maybe be going home she told me that she doubted that, that most hysterectomy patients spend the night. I told her my doctor and I had talked about it and that it was possible that I would get to go home. After getting settled in I ordered a muffin and some ginger ale... told the 'rents they should go home and rest for a while... I knew my doctor would be stopping to see me at some point but that it may be a while and they should go home for a bit... they did! I was pleasantly surprised. the hospital administrator stopped to check on me and I told her I was okay and that she had been helpful and appreciated and that she should head out and see about helping other patients. I drank lots of water and asked for an extra pillow to put under my arm where the IV was... that took more than an hour... the nurse came back, without a pillow, and when I asked for it again, she seemed annoyed... maybe she was having a long day... I rested for a while and woke up when my doctor came in to check on me. She told me how things had gone and gave me some photographs of my uterus...things had gone well, but they had found more fibroids than anticipated... on the outside there were a lot of fibroids and on the inside there were more than the one detected in the ultrasound... (of course my brain translates fibroids to tumors..... and we all know where my brain goes from there... there is NO reason for me to suspect that there was any cancer, but... my fear creeps in and is real... I will be anxious until I get the pathology results...)... I was able to ask her if she thought that an ablation would have helped me... she said it probably would have helped, but would have been a very temporary help... she said it was likely that within a year, maybe two I would have really required this same surgery... I will ask her more questions about that in my follow up appointment, but couldn't help but think about Rico's friend's experience... had I not done this, would I have bled out somewhere? would I have needed emergency surgery to do the hysterectomy? My gut tells me that that this was the best option for me... and I am happy with that choice...
I know I will have some moments of being emotional about it... about no longer having the option to have kids... really I had come to accept that giving birth to a child was not going to be part of my experience a while ago, but the finality of it is emotional. I would have had cute kids... curly freckle faced kids... but... realistically, and maybe selfishly, though I think the word selfish is a little harsh... I am 40 years old... if I gave birth tomorrow I would be in my early 60s when the kid graduated from college... and during those next 20 years my life would revolve around that little person... I admire that people make that choice, and respect it... and think that in my 20s and 30s I would have been ready to make that commitment/sacrifice, but... now... as I am just into my 40s I see myself traveling, being able to take off and go to NYC for a weekend, just because I want to, on a whim... and this surgery has made those things more possible for me... I will no longer need to worry about trying to plan around my unpredictable periods, and won't have to worry about being across the country visiting friends and being in so much pain I cannot enjoy the visit...
I am so grateful that Dad and Betty wanted to be here for the surgery. I think that given everything we went through with Mom... Dad doesn't want to be far away if one of us is under the knife. I feel the same way. I rested a lot while they were here, but tried to be up and be social a bit too... they puttered at things around the house... I am amazed at what got accomplished! THANKS!!! Dad had told me to make a daddy do list... and I put A LOT on that thing... and I am pretty sure he did them ALL, plus some things not on the list. Betty kept us well fed and cleaned a lot... A housekeeper I am not... and with the hecticness of life lately, finishing my book, preparing to be out of work for a couple of weeks, and preparing for surgery... the house had not gotten the attention it needed... I am so lucky to have them in my life and that they so want to help...
I admit, as they were leaving yesterday I was a bit nervous... part of me was ready to fly solo, but I also knew that it would be harder to have to fend for myself... While they were here I worked to wean myself off the pain meds... I don't like to take them if I don't need them... and I am not allowed to drive while taking them... so knowing they were leaving was good motivation to get off the pain meds. I was down to taking the pain meds at night and making it through the day on some heavy duty advil...
After they left I had some pain, maybe the most pain I have had since the surgery... and at the risk of sharing too much, I will say it ended up being gas... which was a relief... advice for anyone else who is going to have this surgery, take something to reduce gas... that is the worst pain I have had... and seems silly to have to worry about that after having had surgery! I have a friend who is likely going to need to have a hysterectomy in the next few months... and so far, I have two things listed in the hyster kit I am going to give to her for afterwards... 1- Gas X... 2 - a pair of throw pillows... one to keep in the car to put between the seat belt and her belly, and one to have everywhere else... throw pillows are a good size and have a good thickness.... I have been sleeping with one over my left hip/stomach because the cats seem to think that's a great place to sleep when I am sleeping on my right side... and having the throw pillow has made it so that them being there doesn't bother me. (Side note: one of my cats, Lucy, has been loving the fact that I am spending a lot of time in bed. She is unhappy when I am not in bed and follows me around letting me know of her displeasure!)
'They' say the third day after surgery is the hardest... but yesterday was mine... physically I was the most uncomfortable I had been... and having Dad and Betty leave sent the point home that I had done this surgery, that it was behind me... and with that came a lot of emotions... relief... the reality of it... excited about knowing that my period days are over... some sadness about the finality of not having kids... and some sadness about being here solo... there are so few times where I resent being single... but this is one of those times... while I wasn't one of those patients who asked Dad and Betty to wait on me, it was nice to have them checking on me to see what I needed, bringing me fresh water, and making meals... and while I know if I had a boyfriend, it is likely I wouldn't really ask him for a lot either, it is the idea of having someone IF I needed something... (Yes I have a lot of friends who are willing to help and I have accepted their offers of assistance, but... it isn't the same thing...)
I have appreciated that several people have checked in on me... Today Suellen came by and we went for a nice walk... the longest I have been on since surgery... about 0.7 miles round trip... which was plenty at this point... I had planned on going grocery shopping later...but she said she and her husband were going later today and told me to send her a list and I agreed... asking her to not judge me for putting chips on the list along with chocolate pudding (for some reason I had chocolate pudding in the hospital after surgery and that has really been hitting the spot!)
I am glad that I don't have to go back to work this week... I don't think I could make it through the days... I am doing well, but... am very aware that I am healing... and promised myself I would give myself that time.
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