Mom has been on my mind a lot lately... I think the hysterectomy made me think a lot about the not having kids (obviously) and I spent a lot of time thinking about my mom... and how she would have loved seeing me as a mother... and while the rational part of me KNOWS that she would have supported my decision... and especially knowing that it eliminates two risks, completely, of cancer, Mom would say that is a no brainer.... but... she was such an amazing mother... and I think I miss her friendship as much as I do her parental relationship...
She has been on my mind so much as I wrote my book... as I thought about surgery... and since surgery... I miss her... so much... and still get really angry that she is gone... that she was taken... and tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of her death... April 18th she was taken... and while I remember being so ready for her to no longer be suffering and felt guilty for wanting her battle to end... losing her was still a shock to my system. As some know, I blogged a lot about that journey, about what I went through as I lost her... and I just looked back and read a couple of entries...the few days before her death... and the days after... Not sure why I feel the need to do that... but seem to do it each year... and it triggers all of those emotions... and memories... the last few days were not peaceful... the final hours, 24 to 36 maybe... were more peaceful than the previous days had been...
Re visiting it... makes me think about the death with dignity movement.. and while this is not the entry to go there... it is something that I feel is important... and as I think about...re-live those moments that loved ones should never have to witness or endure... death with dignity is a no brainer... I want to have the choice...
In reading some of my posts from that old blog... I shouldn't be... but am... struck by the bond between Mom and Dad... I slept in the living room with mom on some of the nights leading up to her death... not because I really wanted to, in fact I remember being pretty scared to do so... but because I knew Dad needed to have time alone and needed to sleep...and if he were going to get any sleep, he needed to be in his own bed... On those nights... when Mom got agitated, even refusing to take meds form me... the ONLY thing that would alleviate her angst was seeing Dad...having him be beside her... like he had been for all the years of their marriage...
There is something so beautiful about that... romantic even... and tragic... I hate that her death was tragic because her life was anything but...
After she died... I remember a friend who had lost her mom told me that grief was like the ocean... always there, always moving... and that there would be days where it was overwhelming and days where it was eerily calm.... how very true... while I can say that life has moved on in these last seven years since she died... the loss of her...the pain of that loss... has not lessened...
I think about the things she has missed... and how we have missed having her be part of them... graduations... both Sis and I now have our Masters... seeing the boys get so big and be so amazing... such incredible people they have become and are becoming.... seeing me as an administrator... a home owner... author... and the day to day things... I know she would be proud...that her smile would light up the room as she shared all of those things...
I would not want her to have continued suffering... of course not... But I hate that she is gone...
I am my mother's daughter... because I thought that was going to be the end of this entry... because ending with 'I hate that she is gone' is really my final thought on it... but... like my mother, I don't like things to leave on such a crappy tone... So... I will share this...
When Dad and Betty started dating... and Betty and I had become friends on facebook... and she was helping my Dad find his smile... and the anniversary of Mom's death was approaching, I sent Betty a note.. saying that she should be aware that April 18th would be a hard day for the big man...that is is a hard day for all of us... and she was appreciative of me letting her know because she wanted to be able to support him... and also wanted to be able to talk about Mom with him... I am so grateful that Betty knew Mom... so... I have found myself in the last few years continuing to send her a message to remind her to look out for Dad at these times... she responds in a way that Mom would so appreciate... she said to me today, via message, that Mom will always be a part of 'our' life...meaning the life she and dad now share... and that 'we' won't avoid talking about her. And then she said that she was thinking about how much I must be missing Mom...
So... as we say in our family often... while we would not have chosen for things to go the way they have gone.... given the circumstances that have brought us to where we are... we are so very lucky... and that is the truth... and I am so very grateful that Dad has allowed himself to love again... I attribute that to Mom in many ways... and to him of course... his ability to do that has added much to our lives... and has brought Betty and Jacey into our lives... and I love them.... will always love them... and love that they, in their own way, share the grief that we have for Mom... which I think takes special people to be able to do that...
I miss you Mom... I see much of you in me... and I am grateful... Dad misses you too... Sis too... As I look back at the night that you died... I feel lucky that Sis, Dad, and I were with you... we were together, our family...
I love you.
tulips
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