'Tis the Season

Well... it's day six... of a hundred... and today was a winter wonderland.  The weather forecast had predicted crazy weather and I had gone shopping last night with anticipation of spending the whole day at home, watching holiday movies and doing some holiday treat making... I was very excited to sleep in this morning... a plan that was thwarted by a group text I have going with a couple of my friends who are also doing the 100 day challenge.  This morning's text was from Sara... she had gotten up early to get to the gym, hoping to beat the worst of the storm... she lives about 15 minutes from her gym, maybe 20... and when she got there...she had forgotten her sneakers!  She was a bit frustrated...headed home and ended up doing yoga with her daughter... I tried going back to sleep after getting her text, but...shockingly it was hard for me to turn off my brain...which often happens once it is awake. 

So, how's the hundred day challenge going? Well, so far so good.  I have hit the gym a few times using the elliptical machine and stationary bike... did some strength training and core work here at home one night using some new exercise equipment I had ordered a while ago but had not opened yet... and one night of pacing... I had to go to a hockey game for work and didn't have time between an after school meeting, a chiropractor appointment, and the game... so, I paced...back and forth for about 40 minutes... and I am counting it!  So.. I am six for six... so far so good.  It is tempting to not do it, as there are so many other things to do, including non active things like scrolling through social media!  But... I think my body already feels better.  I have a long way to go, but it's a start. 

Today I thought I would likely end up doing some strength training at home again...but this morning as I was being lazy I chose to watch a movie I found on Amazon Prime called "I Miss You Already."  I didn't read the description, just saw that one of the main characters was Drew Barrymore.  I like her..on and off the screen.  She seems to be one of the famous people who, after going through a bit of a wild stretch, 'gets it,' seems down to earth if you will.  The movie started out with Drew's character in the hospital getting ready to give birth...with nobody in the room with her except a nurse... eventually she says that she wishes 'Millie' was there... and that's where the story really began.  Flashbacks... of two little girls growing up together... a coming of age story... and the best friend, Millie, is diagnosed with cancer.  Breast Cancer. 

I should have shut it off at that point.  I didn't.  I watched it the whole way through... and, as cancer does in real life, it killed Millie... and Drew's character was there through it all, watching her friend die... it was heart wrenching... There were parts of it where I caught myself saying things like, how did they get her skin to look that color, that cancer color... or turn off the damn movie... I found myself sobbing through most of the ending... Not the most uplifting of things to watch on a day where I wanted to feel all Christmas-y. 

So  I looked at the roads... pretty well plowed...looked at my driveway...not plowed at all... and decided it was a good idea for me to go out.  Yesterday at work I received a check, a very generous check, from a business who wanted to do something to help people in their community have a good Christmas.  One of their employees is a parent of a kid at my school and she had heard about the food pantry/clothing closet I started and wanted the donation to go to that... (How great is that?!)  As it works out we have some families who have reached out to us, families who are afraid they cannot provide a Christmas for their kids because of their financial situation... so, I decided that the donated money should go to providing gifts under the tree... I also decided that it would go towards things that were practical... mostly clothing... I also bought wrapping paper and bows because I want the parents to wrap the gifts for their kids... Maybe that's a bit too idealistic, but my hope is that if they wrap the presents they feel more a part of the process...

It was a bit more challenging than I had anticipated... I am not up to date on the newest fashion and what teenagers may want to wear, but I had some lists to go from, provided by parents... and decided to get the items, plus a few more given what I know about the kids... One specified item was a winter coat, a specific brand and color... and I didn't think I would find it, but I did!  It was a bit pricey, but... it will be a nice surprise for this student... I don't think there will be expectations of actually getting it!  Part of me can't wait to see this student come into school, wearing it... So... the shopping excursion worked!  I felt very cheerful and happy to be able to spend money (someone else's money) knowing it will help people! 

As I was driving around I was paying close attention to how my truck was handling the roads.  This is the first winter I have had a truck with four wheel drive.  I hadn't missed it... I hadn't had it since I lived with my parents.. and luckily did fine, but there is a huge difference.  I know, without the 4wd, I would have had many moments of fishtailing... I definitely had more confidence driving in the snow today! 

After shopping I headed home by way of the gym... part of me was hoping the gym had closed due to the weather...sometimes I look for excuses... but to my chagrin it was open, with PLENTY of parking...  so I went in... I didn't do a crazy workout... but did enough to count in this challenge...  just enough...

I have been less active (besides kayaking this spring/summer/fall) for the last year or so than I need to be... and I know if I push too hard at this point I will hate the 100 day challenge, which I don't want to do... I really want to be successful, want to get into good habits as spring approaches... and hping to lose some weight too... need to look sharp for the book signings!

I was supposed to be away tonight... visiting my friend Meg.  But the storm canceled those plans... which... turned out okay.  I decided to have my first fire of the season.  It looks lovely and is kicking out some good heat!  The cats are sleeping upstairs and despite me bringing them down to try to convince them they would love to be by the fire, they have decided my bed is more comfortable.  So they are upstairs and I am not. 

I have always been a cat person.  Have always had cats.  Growing up we had a huge male tiger cat, Sammy.  He was one of a kind.  My sister and I dressed him up in our doll clothes and he let us.  He was a cat that loved attention and when he was especially affectionate would lick mine and my sister's ears. Weird? Yes... he would not do it to anyone else.  It was so strange, but we welcomed it.  As an adult I have had a few cats.. starting with Bear and Tess... Bear died early and I got Reuben... he also died young... Tess was a shy girl and I wanted her to have a friend... so I adopted Stella...  and after a while because I was crazy added Lucy and Sheldon to the mix... so at one point I had four cats... (Which is too many to have at once...at least for me, but we made it work...) then Tess got sick and we lost her... putting me down to 3 cats... Stella ended up needing a special diet and the vet said all the cats could eat the same food... which they did... then Sheldon got sick and was so sick I thought I was going to have to put him down, but ended up taking him back to the shelter where I had adopted him.  (At their request.)  Turns out he has a form of irritable bowel disease that is hard to manage... so hard that he is not adoptable from the shelter... unless one of the shelter volunteers decide to take him home... he acts as their Walmart greeter...which is perfect for him... but I feel really guilty for giving him up.  At the time I was renting and he was making messes that were ruining the carpets so I really didn't have a choice...

Since buying the house I have wanted a dog... I'm not sure why... I am allergic to dogs... though I have only ever had one reaction to them... (being in a vehicle in which a dog spent a lot of time, lots of hair and dander, without being cleaned out... it was winter so the windows were up and the air blowing the heat was not helping... so I had an asthma attack. )  Knowing I was 'allergic' to dogs, I have been reluctant to be too friendly with my friends' dogs... but the last couple years that my sister had her pug, I warmed up to him... Peepers was a good dog... and when he was older and not hyper I enjoyed him.  But there is something about a house that says I should have a dog...

Growing up we had a poodle, that I barely remember... but my grandparents...they had a dog, Mandy, that I adored.  This is us...

Gosh she was a good dog!  She lived in a house on a busy road and yet never went out into the road... no fences, no electric collar... just smart...and well trained I suppose.  She stayed in the yard, even if she was left at the house by herself.  The only exception was when she would walk the path that connected my grandparents property to our house... and she would sit at the edge of our property and whine.  The ONLY times this happened was when she had been left alone and there was going to be a thunderstorm.  She could sense it and hated them... so she would come to our house.  We would let her inside and enjoy her company until the storm passed or my grandparents came to get her.  I remember laying on the floor with her, using her as a pillow.  She was a great dog. 

I have been looking online at dogs.. lots of dogs... shelters all over Maine and looking at the websites of many rescue organizations...and there have been some dogs that look so cute that I have been tempted to get one of them... but... should I have a dog? Can I offer the care dogs deserve? Am I willing to have an animal that is much higher maintenance than cats? An animal I can't leave home alone for a weekend? Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I keep looking at pictures... Plus... a friend of mine has beautiful labs... last year they had a huge litter of puppies, one of whom I fell in love with, Emma!  Had she not been spoken for at the time of our meeting, that little lady may have been mine.  And... my friend may breed her dogs again in the spring and told me I could have first choice on the female pups... tempting...  why do I want a dog? Well.. I think that a dog would force me to walk more, to be more active... and there are times I think a dog would be good company, in a different way than the cats are.  I think about going on a camping trip (need a camper!)  where I could get away for a few days or a week, to find spots to kayak... or if I end up writing a second book, it would be great to plant myself somewhere for a while as I researched new places... but I think having a dog would make that more fun...

So I started thinking about having a dog on a trial basis... thought about asking some of my friends if they would let me borrow their dogs... but that felt weird... so I am looking into fostering dogs.  The local shelter has a description on their website... says that they need foster placements for dogs, puppies through senior dogs... for various reasons and with various commitments... it sounds like there are some dogs in need of weekend placements because there are less staff members present in the shelter on the weekends and some dogs really need people... there are some dogs who have been surrendered by their family and have never lived in a shelter environment and don't do well in that setting... and need a quieter place to be.  It is appealing to me, the idea of an older dog, who is calm, and cat friendly of course... and if I can have some say over when I can take a dog... it sounds like a perfect set up... the shelter pays for all food and medical needs... and I provide the TLC... and if I decide I am in need of a dog, I will move forward in that pursuit... if not, well... I won't.  Chances are this will be something that gets the dog thing out of my system... but perhaps it is more than that...

I do my foster training tomorrow at the shelter... I am not sure what to expect, but... looking at my fire tonight... it would be kind of nice to see a dog warming its belly in front of it! 

1/100

Weight is something that people view differently...handle differently... and approach differently... it's something my mother battled...probably daily... at least until the end of her life... I remember she told me to not worry about what I ate, about my weight...because life is too short... it was one of the many topics we talked about towards the end of her life. 

She battled her weight for as long as she could remember...sharing that one of her first memories in which she felt body conscious was when her mother told her that something she was wearing made her look like the broad side of a barn... she vowed, when she had kids, that we would not be told we were fat, or that something made us look big... that we would not be told what we could and could not eat...   and I think Mom stayed true to that... no matter the consequence...

As women we all remember things growing up, things that made us aware of our bodies and how they compared to those around us... I have always been the 'big girl.'  Whether it was the refs in the basketball games, men who saw me when I was walking the mall with my friends, or pretty much any stranger with whom I came into contact... I was the big girl...

My parents are/were big people... so they knew, when I was born at almost two feet long (23"...not kidding) and over ten pounds, that I too would be big... They worked hard, as I have shared before, to make sure I was confident... and I think, for the most part I have lived my life with confidence... in most areas at least. 

While I knew I was bigger, height and weight wise, than all my friends... it didn't bother me that much... I was so significantly taller than all of my peers that it made sense that I was bigger... so not being able to share clothes with my friends didn't seem like a big deal...

As an adult... I have always been overweight... there was a period of time when I had lost a lot of weight and I felt great... I was smaller than I was in high school... and had worked hard to get there.  It was at a time when my mom and sister were also working to be healthy and the three of us were killing it! 

Then I had all my knee stuff.. and in the three years it took to diagnose me properly I gained all the weight back, plus some... then knee surgery yada yada yada... and I have had some weight loss, but it always finds me again... and in the last couple of years, with my focus being on the book... I had a great excuse to not make my weight... a priority... but... that needs to change.  I am not healthy... well not as healthy as I need to be.  So... today I try to start again.. with being healthier... and am once again taking the one hundred day challenge... 100 days in a row in which I am active for 30 minutes... exercise for 30 minutes... it can be walking, or weight/resistance training...anything really that involves moving my body for 30 minutes...

So today I went to the gym... which was easy because it was a snow day and I didn't have to work.  It will be harder when I have to work... But.. I want to do this, need to do this... the last time I did the 100 day challenge and really stuck with it.. I lost 60 lbs... that would be great... because 100 days from today is March 21... which puts us in spring...when book signings will be popping up... and I want to feel good at those events...

So... I am 1/100 of the way to this goal...

hoping it is the beginning of some needed changes...

"I can't just not do something..."

Hello again.. it has been a while since I wrote for a reason other than the book... now that the book seems to be squared away I have been doing a little more writing... but haven't been public about what I have been writing... it hasn't been much... just some journaling of sorts which may or may not end up in letters... but... I think that I need to start blogging again... writing for writing or maybe to get thoughts out of my head in a way that may be a bit more productive than spouting on social media.. though there is a lot to spout about... But.. I will save politics for another post...though it may come through in subtle ways here politics is not my intended focus. 

I have been pissy since the election...(not politics, I promise) I have been struggling... with a lot of things... the election, trying to understand how a human who represents what he represents could get elected.... and have been struggling with some things at work... adjusting to a new work partner has been a challenge....especially since my last partner in crime at work was such a good fit... He and I do not see eye to eye on things... handle things in different ways... and I consider myself to be good at reading people... and he... he is a hard read... Earlier in the year I was ready to put up all kinds of walls of my own (ok, maybe that is a slight political reference...), walls between me and him... At first I really worked to make him feel welcome, to offer support, and to be a team player... despite that I found myself expending a lot of energy on him... on trying to involve myself in situations when he was talking with kids because I felt like his approach perhaps alienated some kids who were already feeling like outsiders... and it took a toll on me... I was run down... was sick a lot and had some mornings where going to work didn't motivate me to get out of bed... (Not that I wake up every morning thrilled to head to work, but... it was different than just wanting to sleep in...)  after much effort and energy I didn't feel like anything was changing so I gave myself permission to not have to like him... to not have to be on alert to jump in to save him from himself...(he specifically has asked me to help keep him out of the headlines...)  and it worked a little... then... I had a day where I was feeling really burdened by some resentment... towards a couple of people at work..and decided to put on my big girl panties and address them... the first conversation, with someone else, went well..and I felt like I could take on something else... so... I approached him... and we had a good conversation... I walked away feeling good about it...not because I thought it would change things, but because I had said my peace...

And... since then... coincidentally perhaps or perhaps not... he has seemed to shift a bit... I have gone from thinking he is a buffoon to thinking that he does care about kids...he doesn't show it in the same way I do or how other people do.. but he does care... and the kids or issues he seems to struggle with seem to be because of unfamiliarity or discomfort with the situations, not from lack of desire to help... he is not a person I have any desire to spend time with outside of work...which is sad in a way... (even though I had  made efforts to invite him to a couple of things...before I gave myself permission not to...)

Overall this school year has been calmer than the last few....(I hope I didn't just curse myself...)  Days have been busy, but manageable... there have been a lot going on with a small number of kids... sadly more mental health related than behavior related... not that I prefer behavior issues, but... the kids who are behaving badly are at least finding an outlet for their emotions... but the kids who are facing mental health stuff... are very concerning...

This is my 19th year in public education... 20th year of my career...(How can that possibly be??)  And I keep thinking that the sand in the hourglass is running out in one specific area... it is inevitable...I fear... that I will 'lose' one of my students... that someone will die, be killed in an accident, or kill themselves... few educators go through their whole career without having that experience... I feel lucky that in 20 years I have not yet had to attend the funeral of a student...

Technically you could say that that 20 year run ended recently... a former student, a kid I did not know well... took their life... a very sad story...which of course with suicide, goes without saying... the student was in school recently enough that some of our current students have been effected... but not to the same degree had this person been a current student... one of our current students, however...is being effected...big time...probably more than anyone else except perhaps for the parents... the current student is a sibling...

The sibling is a kid with whom I have had very little contact... so... it is a tough situation of knowing how to approach it... I haven't wanted to call the student to my office to say "hey kid I haven't really spoken to before, sorry about what happened, I'm here if you need me..."  While I want to be there... I also don't want the student to feel like there is an even bigger spotlight being shined... as I am certain that feeling is already there...

The universe can sometimes be...confusing... I cannot imagine how this sibling is feeling... I would be in the corner curled up in the fetal position, likely unresponsive, if one of my sisters committed suicide... and I am an adult...(Most days!) 

So.. towards the end of the day (the end of a crazy day when I was in the midst of looking at video, trying to find kids, and responding to a teacher's request for assistance in removing a kid from his class....) this sibling was in the office and asked if I had time to talk.  How could I not say yes? But I couldn't say yes at that moment... and somehow in that moment had a conscious thought of "treat this student 'normally'..."  (There's that word I hate so much...'normal.')  ..... so I said I was on my way to deal with something ( I was the only administrator in the building this afternoon) but that I wanted to talk  and asked if waiting to see me was an option or  if talking right after school was possible.  After school was the better option...

So...after the bell this sibling showed up and we talked... the student was unsure if I knew about what had happened... so somehow had the strength to tell me ... "I'm the sibling of the student who died recently...from unfortunate circumstances..."  I acknowledged I knew and shared a fond memory I had... the student then said to me... I want to start a program here... and I wanted to come to you to see if I could start talking to other people about it and named a couple of specific teachers who could be involved... " The conversation continued... the program is a music program... an after school program for kids to explore music, to learn more about music, maybe learn an instrument, and to find other kids who like music.  The goal being to offer something for kids who may not otherwise have a peer group... a way for kids who are highly at risk to make connections... that music is a universal way for people to relate... this student wants to do this in the sibling's honor... has researched an organization that can help with it... and said that this is  a way to channel the grief because doing nothing is not an option...

I was in awe... while knowing that at some point this kid will likely crash and will need to be in the fetal position... somehow... and I don't know how.. somehow this kid has not been paralyzed....instead is taking action... eventually wanting to be able to share this experience, share the sibling's story, with other kids, younger kids, and wants to be very involved with a group at our school already in existence to  that tries to offer support to kids around substance use...

I could barely hold back the tears... with watery eyes I said, 'YES, absolutely yes... I will support you in this effort and do whatever I need to do.  We will need to talk about some of the logistics, but YES... I will help you start a program that can be a way to help other kids like your sibling... in any way I can...'  And I was able to say that I was inspired by this... impressed with the strength it must take... and the response was simple... ' I can't just not do something...'

Wow. 

I can't just not do something...

Applies to so many things... (Yes, this DOES relate to current politics... I can't just not do something, say something.....but obviously it is way bigger...)

I was also able to weave in wanting to be a support person for this student and feel that I could now call the student into my office to talk, to check in, and it wouldn't be out of the blue....

Back to the universe...

This conversation happened this afternoon... this morning I participated in an event at a nearby school...where kids and adults shared stories to inspire, increase awareness, and remind us of our humanity... and got to see a student, so eloquent, speak about her battle with depression...her battle with suicidal thinking...about her losses...of two very close friends who did commit suicide... and thought about how brave she was for being vulnerable and sharing herself with the rest of us... It was a strong reminder about being transparent with kids... with the language we use... to be direct, to not ignore signs, to recognize that people want help...

So... I suppose today, for me... was about perspective...
I have so much in my life that is good... I am a fortunate person... I have stress, often a lot of stress... not always the kind of stress that causes me to be explosive or reactive... (though there was an event a few weeks ago where I absolutely lost my crap on someone in a public place... but that's another post..maybe!)  And while I am happy with so much in my life... it's okay to feel down about things... including work...and while work has been difficult this year... I love what I do... being able to see kids who have every right to shut out the world... instead choose to knock down some walls...

Exhausted

Writing a book is hard work... and writing a book with a co-author... I believe is even harder...in ways.  I am so grateful for my writing partner... I truly am, but we are very different in how we operate.  In ways she is a lot more methodical than I am... which is so helpful because we are making sure that we are providing accurate information... but we are at a point where we are in a time crunch... and overthinking it, just isn't helpful.  (Yes... I recognize the irony in me saying someone else's overthinking is not helpful!) 

This process has been interesting...I have learned a lot...and while I now have an idea of how this process works... I am not sure I am up for doing this again any time soon....Though I would love to find many more places to paddle... and know now that we are doing this/have done this... it will be hard in ways for me to paddle in a new place without wondering if I should keep track of it somewhere just in case we are asked to do another...

Our publisher is out of state... and it has been entertainingly frustrating that they do not understand some of the things we want to emphasize.  But we are getting through it.

I am exhausted. 

We got the manuscript back from the publisher and copy editor on June 1.  We are supposed to have it back by June 15th.. but because work has been so crazy with end of the year stuff... I negotiated a few extra days should we need them.  I am hoping we don't... I NEED this t be done.  Need this phase to be over so I can shut down fr a bit... honestly, it is wearing on me.  Going to work each day, getting there by 6:45 (later than my usual 6:30) coming home between 4 and 6 then working on the book for 5 or 6 hours only to get up and repeat that... for almost two weeks... is exhausting.  (Plus my weekends have been consumed by this...when not at awards banquets r graduation...)  My goal is to have everything done  and sent by mid week so I can get away this weekend.  I want.. I need to head to the lake to see Dad and Betty.  And I want that visit to be book work free!  So I am lighting a fire under my writing partner. 

I know I will appreciate this, once that book is out...but the timing has been hard... bring on the fun part... the getting sample pages in the mail and saying Yes, or going to book signings, or talking to people who also love kayaking... That's where I want to be... (and getting to the point where we re making money... I don't anticipate to get rich with this book, but I want to be able to sell enough books to cover the advances we got...so I can then feel like I can use that money!)

Time for bed!  

Big House View...

Yesterday felt like summer!  Temperatures were well into the 70s and I got my first sunburn of the season.  Fortunately I had on a long sleeved shirt so the only places that got burned were my hands, parts of my neck, and my legs... and not a bad burn, but enough to remind me to actually apply the sunscreen that I carry with me on my kayaking adventures.  Turns out it works best when applied!

Yesterday morning I met up with my writing partner and two of my friends/former coworkers for a paddle on the New Meadows River in Brunswick.  I was a bit nervous not having been there before and knowing it was tidal.  We needed to get some photos from this location for the book... and while I trust that my writing partner chose places that are safe for paddlers of all levels, actually going to them, paddling them, makes me feel more confident that our trips are similar and makes me feel even more certain that this book is going to be great!  So, there were four of us paddling together.  Not long after we put in our boats I spotted a jellyfish... I have seen tiny jellyfish near docks but this one was about four inches across and it was so cool!  Later in our paddle we were in a cove like area and my writing partner beckoned me to see if I could get some photos of some jellyfish as she was surrounded.  I joined her and just sat in my kayak and as the ripples from my paddling faded I could see lots of jellyfish, ranging in size from about an inch in diameter to maybe five... they were so cool!  As it turns out the photos from my camera were better than the ones from my camera to see them.  If the water was calm enough we could see the jellies surfacing a bit... it was so fun.  I got some great photos and got some time with people I had not seen since Christmas... it was awesome.

After paddling and loading up my gear... (confession... I loaded my kayak onto my truck myself... I needed to see if I could do it... and I was able to... of course my friends discouraged me, but... it was time to see and if I had felt discomfort I would have stopped, but I did it... I don't think I am yet at the point where I could load and unload multiple times in one day, but... once a day is fine right now.  Really... I promise! It is exciting because I know now that I can go solo if I want to... and I plan on doing some trips soon that are not included in the book...to keep my blog viewers entertained and coming back.)

Anyway, as I was saying... after paddling we all went our separate ways... but on my way home I called my writing partner and asked if we should try to get photos from some of our other locations that were close by since the weather was so nice.  She thought it would be a good idea, so we spent the afternoon darting from launch to launch and getting some great shots... We contemplated having my writing partner get in her boat and paddle a bit for the photo opps, but we were able to get some good shots without needing to do that.  And.. as it worked out there were some kayakers just putting in at one of the launch sites, so I was able to get pics of them that I think we can use.

One of the launch sites is so picturesque. It's what many people think of when they think of Maine... rocky shore, seaweed, a lobster boat moored in the harbor with a dock where lobster boats come to sell their catch... Here is one of the photos... (Not the best photo of the area, as that is being submitted for the book!) 

As we walked around this area there was music blaring from a house at the end of the point.  The music was awesome, perfect for a summer soundtrack including James Taylor... it was fantastic!  There were some extravagant homes close to this launch, even a large bed and breakfast that overlooks this area... as we drove away from the launch site we passed a very tiny mobile home... on a road, aptly named, "Big House View Rd."  That made me smile... these people (at least in my mind) live in a very small, very run down trailer, yet chose the name of their road to be The Big House View... immediately I thought to myself... They get it!  You don't have to live in one of those huge multi million dollar homes to enjoy the view... you just have to appreciate things... appreciate the view you have... and it got me thinking about kayaking... (I know.. shocking!) 

I thought about it as it relates to kayaks for a few reasons... I 'follow' different kayaking groups on social media.  There are posts once in a while where people talk about what kind of kayaks are 'the best.'  And... it sparks a lot of controversy.  The people in the group are from all over the world, and I assume, from all different backgrounds including, I imagine, various financial abilities.   Some people post things about their rigs that cost thousands of dollars... some discourage people from buying 'cheap' kayaks at the big box stores.... that's when the controversy is sparked... People feel judged for having a kayak that is not rated as top performers or the most efficient... and I would have to agree...
As much as I kayak...as much as I know about beautiful places to kayak in this area... I don't know about the best gear... and frankly.. I don't care.  My kayak is, to me, priceless.  It is the kayak that Mom used...that she loved.  She wanted a red kayak and she got it!  She got it because it was comfortable and stable... something she could do on her own or with people... a way for her to enjoy the beauty by which she was surrounded... being able to have her kayak... regardless of whether or not it is heavier than other boats, less efficient, or whatever... is invaluable to me as is the opportunities it affords me to be on the water.  Without spending money other than what it takes for gas to get to beautiful locations... this activity is free to me.  And I get to see so many 'Big House Views...'  from so many pristine bodies of water.  As I paddle I often see Big Houses... that are not being used.  Million dollar homes in some cases that show no signs of life... no boats along their dock, no chairs outside, no signs of use... and here I am, paddling by those beautiful, empty houses... that are not homes... I do not have a house on a river, on a lake, or hanging over a seaside cliff...but what I know.. is that I enjoy this area, the water in this area, much more than the people who own those houses, but don't 'live' there...

As we were out yesterday we saw this couple... in a beach buggy one would expect to see in California in the 60s... Bright yellow... a cross between a jeep and a dune buggy with two surf boads on top... inside this beach mobile was a couple... probably in their 70s... with smiles the size of the Gulf of Mexico... He was driving, wearing a bright  yellow hawaiian style shirt... she was wearing... well I am not sure, but on her head she had a kerchief to protect her hairdo I am sure.. and hanging form the mirror was a barbie dressed as a mermaid... these two were vibrant, full of life... and stopped to talk with us as they passed, probably seeing how enchanted we were with their ride... the man was so proud, telling us how he built it himself, had just added some wood to the door, and when I asked if he used the surfboards on top, they chuckled... He confessed they were there to add to their look... that only one of the two were real surfboards, the one over his side of the roof.  the other was one he had fabricated to look real.  He said that was her surf board, but that it wouldn't float and told us not to tell...

They were so cute!  You could just tell that they love cruising around in that thing.  (Truthfully she probably has several moments of eye rolling when her husband is spinning his stories, but she also, I could tell, was enamored with the man who was driving her around in his buggy.)  Clearly this rig was a labor of love and clearly they are living their life... Definitely not a mercedes or  a BMW, but to them...priceless... they definitely have the "Big House View" life philosophy...


I think... the name of that street articulates for me, much of what I believe about life.  I don't have to love on the ocean to find beauty in it.  I don't look at those million dollar homes and think I wish I had that.... nope... what I think about is how lucky I am to be able to put my kayak on my truck and go... go to any place where I can safely paddle and see what I can see.  That being said, if someone were to GIVE me a house on a body of water... I would likely not refuse....but... it's about having those moments where you have the Big House View...because of who you are, who you are with, and what it is you appreciate...

Some people on those kayaking groups name their kayaks... like people name their yachts... and I have considered it... and toyed around with names that would pay homage to Mom... incorporating something she would like... and nothing, thus far has resonated with me... But... perhaps  "Big House View" would be appropriate...

Paddling season is here... and life is good! 

This and That

Hello!

Somehow all seems right with the world when I am in my kayak.  As many know I was able to get on the water on Saturday and it felt so good!  I love being in my kayak, paddling, and taking pictures. 

 

The hard part of the day was needing help.  I know, shocking, that I would struggle in accepting help, but I did... I do.  I think I always will.  

That being said...without the help, I would not have had the opportunity to get on the water... well.. that may not be completely true.  I think I have been jonesing to get on the water so much that I probably would have tried loading and unloading my kayak myself... and hoped that I would not have hurt myself along the way... 

It has been just over 5 weeks since surgery.  I am feeling pretty well, getting back to what I assume is 'normal.'  I am still requiring a lot of sleep and when I get tired I get TIRED.  When I hit the wall of exhaustion I have to give into it... I have been trying to get out a bit more, see more people, but am still struggling to plan things ahead of time...(well, unless it relates to kayaking!)  because I am not sure how I will feel.  I contemplated going to a music performance a couple of weeks ago, but it was on a Friday night and I have found that Friday nights are nights where I need to get to bed early.  (Hoping that changes!)  

So... Saturday's paddle was great.  The weather was a bit damp and dank (dank... sometimes I like that word and other times I think it's gross, but for today, it fits the weather's description for Saturday) but that didn't stop us.  Truthfully, we were on a mission.  While we have met our deadline for our book there are some destinations for which we still need to get pictures.  In addition to that we are supposed to get some photos of ourselves for the 'about the author' section of the book... sounds like it would be easy... it isn't.  I was able to get a couple of shots of my writing partner that our publisher says will work, but my writing partner would like to have a few other options to choose from.  She tried to get a few of me, Jamie tried too, but... they took one photo at a time and it didn't work out very well.  Like everything else in my life... I overthought it!  Our publisher has been very specific with us about what kind of shot we need... up close, close enough to see our eyes, but not too close...so that we can be seen paddling in the picture...we need to look happy and friendly, a photo that would draw in the readers... oh.. and it is supposed to look candid.  It is challenging!  We are trying again soon, fingers crossed we will have some luck.  I also have a friend who has taken some great photos of people, family photos, engagement, senior pics, etc... and have enlisted her help in getting the perfect shot.  My writing partner insists that we should be wearing our life jackets in the photos... to promote safety... but... I rarely wear my life jacket and am more comfortable paddling without it.  So... I think when my friend helps me I will try getting some shots without my life jacket and see if I look a bit more natural.  

We were able to get some good shots of the location for the book.  We have five other locations we need to shoot.  My writing partner didn't have many pictures for the trips she wrote about... I guess not everyone takes hundreds of photos each time they are paddling... weird!  Our plan is to kayak one destination each week between now and mid June when we HAVE to have all pictures done.. including our author photos.  Eek!  Our publisher asked us about photo credits in the book and asked if we were comfortable with not crediting each photo in the book... or just having a blanket statement that the authors also took all the photos... selfishly I was not okay with that.  There will be a few photos in the book that I have not taken, one that was taken by a lake association and a handful that my writing partner or her kids have taken.  So... I want credit for the photos.  (Granted, the photos that will be in the book will be black and white and few will be the close ups of the wildlife and plants, as they want wider shots...but they are still mine... and I want that credit.)  So.. we will see how that gets handled.  We are excited about some news we recently learned...our copyeditor is also from Maine!  That's a win for us!  She will understand some of the nuances that people from away don't understand.  (Like not having landmarks to use in directions when heading to some remote locations...)  She will finish doing her first read over and editing by the end of the month, then we will have a few weeks to read her work, suggestions, and changes, and then provide feedback to her and to our publisher... that will be our last chance to make any big changes... so there is a little pressure there... although when I try to be calm about it, I know that what we submitted was good and think that the changes made will be formatting and not content... and I think I may like some formatting changes... So.. between needing to get the final photos and doing some editing, the next month is going to be busy!  But then... once that is done, the school year will be winding down and I will have some time off!  (I know I just HAD time off with surgery... but.. it will be different.  I will be able to paddle!)  

Something that I am struggling with, which pertains to the book..is about my other blog, the kayaking one.  As I go on these paddles, to get photos for the book, I want to post something on the blog about it.  But... I feel like these trips 'belong' to my writing partner... they are her trips and I am there as the photographer... Plus we want to have some trips that are in the book that are not in the blog... hoping that will sell more books... So... I need to look for some other places to go, places that are not in the book, and places I have not gone... looks like I will need to study my Maine Gazetteer a bit more... the traffic on the blog is increasing, makes sense given the time of year, and I want to make sure I post new entries in order to keep people returning to the blog as well as continuing to post new pictures.  I have contemplated posting a few entries that are more story based, my crazy thought processes or stories about paddling, but I think that one thing that makes the blog strong is that it is a place where people can get information, that most people who visit it are not interested in my anecdotes.  Plus... I am starting to write some 'articles' about my paddling adventures that we may be able to use as a way to supplement the book.  If we write articles for newspapers or for any of the publications our publisher produces we will make some extra money... so.. I think the anecdotal stuff is something I want to have separate from the blog.  Of course the kayaking blog has some short stories or references, but the feedback I get from people who visit the blog is they love the directions, descriptions of the launch sites, and the photos.  

I am starting to get a little excited about what this book could really lead to... I have had a few moments where I have been recognized for my online presence in the kayaking/paddling community.  I belong to a few groups online that relate to kayaking.  On one of the forums someone was asking for places to paddle in Maine and I sent a link to my blog and the guy responded with a comment that indicated he was a regular visitor to the blog and identified me as my kayaking handle of Maine Kayak Girl  (without spaces!), MKG for use here    Also,  my friend said that she was talking about going kayaking with me last weekend and someone told her she should check out a blog about kayaking in this area and my friend was able to ask if the blog was associated with MKG... and the person emphatically said YES!!  My friend was able to tell that person she was going to be going kayaking with MKG.  Too funny!  The good part is that I know people use the blog... and it will be interesting to see how this evolves, to see how well it does.  

I am considering trying to sell some of my photographs.  I have several people who have encouraged me to do that...and I think I could sell some photos, but in order to get started, to get enough printed out to have any kind of inventory, is another story... There are places where I could set up a table (at no cost) and see how I could do... but should probably try to get a tax number in order to do that, and I have  no idea where to start with that... but probably should look into it.  I would like to build a vacation fund... money from the book (once we have sold enough to cover our advance and hopefully then some...)  will go into that fund... and if I could sell some photographs, that would go there too... I have some other ideas too, but not sure I am ready to give those a try... I am very fortunate to be in a place where I am to be financially stable and don't want to seem money hungry, but would really love to have the chance to travel and to do so in a way that is comfortable.  

I am in the process of dreaming about the vacation I am going to take next summer.  I am going to spend a coupe of weeks in the pacific northwest.  Visiting Michael a couple years ago gave me a taste of that part of the country and I want to see more.  I hope to get some Michael time when I do this vacation, of course... my plan is to get some time in Portland, OR, Seattle, WA, and spend several days on the San Juan Islands off of Washington State and maybe get over into Victoria British Columbia too.  I have been doing some research about the San Juan Islands and feel drawn there.  It's strange.. as a kid I had a lot of dreams about being in a car driving along the ocean and seeing whales in the water... and remember dreams of being on a friend's backporch and having her backyard flood and seeing killer whales swimming around... I had forgotten those dreams until I started researching the San Juan Islands.  There are places there where you can sit on the shore and watch the whales swim by.  I vote YES!  I need to get out there.  I have found some blog entries of a woman who shares my last name, that share her experience camping with her husband and son on the San Juans.  Her blog shares information about places to eat and things to do there.  I am sold!  I am in the very beginning phases of planning, but I am going to get there next year and cannot wait!  (I have started following some businesses that do some whale watching adventures, so most days I have beautiful photos of Orca whales and other wildlife in my facebook feed.)  

Wow.. this post is all over the place... It didn't, which may surprise people, say anything, until now, about Mother's Day and my shared birthday with mom... what fell on Mother's day this year.  It was a hard day.  Some years it has been easier than others to 'celebrate' without Mom... I think adding to the difficulty this year was that I wasn't able to paddle on Sunday.  It has kind of become my tradition, to go on a solo paddle on Mother's day... and this year I didn't dare to do that, because I didn't want to be trying to load/unload my kayak and have something surgery related go wrong... and the weather would not have been great to be out either... but it was hard for me to not be on the water Sunday... But as paddling season amps up, I think of Mom even more...and know she would be excited to see what kayaking has added to my life. 

Seven Years...

Mom has been on my mind a lot lately... I think the hysterectomy made me think a lot about the not having kids (obviously) and I spent a lot of time thinking about my mom... and how she would have loved seeing me as a mother... and while the rational part of me KNOWS that she would have supported my decision... and especially knowing that it eliminates two risks, completely, of cancer, Mom would say that is a no brainer.... but... she was such an amazing mother... and I think I miss her friendship as much as I do her parental relationship...

She has been on my mind so much as I wrote my book... as I thought about surgery... and since surgery... I miss her... so much... and still get really angry that she is gone... that she was taken... and tomorrow marks the seventh anniversary of her death... April 18th she was taken... and while I remember being so ready for her to no longer be suffering and felt guilty for wanting her battle to end... losing her was still a shock to my system.  As some know, I blogged a lot about that journey, about what I went through as I lost her... and I just looked back and read a couple of entries...the few days before her death... and the days after... Not sure why I feel the need to do that...  but seem to do it each year... and it triggers all of those emotions... and memories... the last few days were not peaceful... the final hours, 24 to 36 maybe... were more peaceful than the previous days had been...

Re visiting it... makes me think about the death with dignity movement.. and while this is not the entry to go there... it is something that I feel is important... and as I think about...re-live those moments that loved ones should never have to witness or endure... death with dignity is a no brainer... I want to have the choice...

In reading some of my posts from that old blog... I shouldn't be... but am... struck by the bond between Mom and Dad... I slept in the living room with mom on some of the nights leading up to her death... not because I really wanted to, in fact I remember being pretty scared to do so... but because I knew Dad needed to have time alone and needed to sleep...and if he were going to get any sleep, he needed to be in his own bed... On those nights... when Mom got agitated, even refusing to take meds form me... the ONLY thing that would alleviate her angst was seeing Dad...having him be beside her... like he had been for all the years of their marriage...

There is something so beautiful about that... romantic even... and tragic... I hate that her death was tragic because her life was anything but...

After she died... I remember a friend who had lost her mom told me that grief was like the ocean... always there, always moving... and that there would be days where it was overwhelming and days where it was eerily calm.... how very true... while I can say that life has moved on in these last seven years since she died... the loss of her...the pain of that loss... has not lessened...

I think about the things she has missed... and how we have missed having her be part of them... graduations... both Sis and I now have our Masters... seeing the boys get so big and be so amazing... such incredible people they have become and are becoming.... seeing me as an administrator... a home owner... author... and the day to day things... I know she would be proud...that her smile would light up the room as she shared all of those things...

I would not want her to have continued suffering... of course not... But I hate that she is gone...

I am my mother's daughter... because I thought that was going to be the end of this entry... because ending with 'I hate that she is gone' is really my final thought on it... but... like my mother, I don't like things to leave on such a crappy tone... So... I will share this...

When Dad and Betty started dating... and Betty and I had become friends on facebook... and she was helping my Dad find his smile... and the anniversary of Mom's death was approaching, I sent Betty a note.. saying that she should be aware that April 18th would be a hard day for the big man...that is is a hard day for all of us... and she was appreciative of me letting her know because she wanted to be able to support him... and also wanted to be able to talk about Mom with him... I am so grateful that Betty knew Mom... so... I have found myself in the last few years continuing to send her a message to remind her to look out for Dad at these times... she responds in a way that Mom would so appreciate... she said to me today, via message, that Mom will always be a part of 'our' life...meaning the life she and dad now share... and that 'we' won't avoid talking about her.  And then she said that she was thinking about how much I must be missing Mom...

So... as we say in our family often... while we would not have chosen for things to go the way they have gone.... given the circumstances that have brought us to where we are... we are so very lucky... and that is the truth... and I am so very grateful that Dad has allowed himself to love again... I attribute that to Mom in many ways... and to him of course... his ability to do that has added much to our lives... and has brought Betty and Jacey into our lives... and I love them.... will always love them... and love that they, in their own way, share the grief that we have for Mom... which I think takes special people to be able to do that...

I miss you  Mom... I see much of you in me... and I am grateful... Dad misses you too... Sis too... As I look back at the night that you died... I feel lucky that Sis, Dad, and I were with you... we were together, our family...

I love you. 

Lists are overrated...

I am feeling So good!!!  It feels good to feel good!  There are moments when I feel like I did before surgery but then things remind me that I am not as far along as I sometimes think... and I am listening to my body and not pushing it....

Today I was optimistic about what I would be able to get done... and so I made a list:
- return passport application to the post office and get it processed (Yes it IS about time to get a passport!) 
- get gas
- Mani/Pedi
- find some spring shirts
- make something delicious to eat (finding going out to eat right now is not agreeing with my stomach so staying in is better, but finding motivation to make something is lacking!)
- Stop at Target to pick up a few things
-Go and pick out a nice color to paint the shelf for the soon to be herb garden
- Go downtown and walk around and just enjoy the sun and one of my favorite cities and MAYBE sneak into my favorite gelato place and get their flavor of the week raspberry cookie dough gelato!  (Their Netflix and Chill flavor sounds great too...caramel, peanut butter cups,  brownie bites and maybe a few kisses.... ) and maybe take an old ring I have to the jeweler to see if it is possible to be resized.... (belonged to a deceased old cousin who was also an educator...I have had it for a while, but been thinking I would like to start wearing it.) 
- do some laundry

Well... I slept until about 9:00... which is great except that I was awake until like 2 a.m. (not sure why) so I was lazy and watched tv for a bit... then my neighbor texted and told me flowers had been delivered to their house because I had not answered my door... (hmm... didn't hear anyone at my door... may have to figure that out...)  So I got up and showered and went over to get the flowers... (that was probably around 10 or a bit after) they were beautiful... from my fellow administrators... and came home... I made some breakfast  and gathered some laundry and got that going in the washer... and before I knew it, it was like 2:00??  So... Immediately cross off going to the post office as the passport window closed at noon... (add it to next week's list) ... so decided I would go for the mani pedi to be followed by walking around downtown... well the place I like to go to get mani/pedi was packed!  Usually I get there, pick my colors, and sit down and things get started... but today there wasn't an empty seat... but because I really like them, I decided to wait.. in all I sat for about 25 minutes waiting for an opening.  Got my mani pedi... which was very relaxing... sometimes it is fun to go with friends, having time to catch up, but I have to say, today it was nice to be solo and not need to engage in conversation.  (though I did eavesdrop on other conversations...There was an elderly woman who came in and was in the chair beside me... she was a regular... I could tell because she knew all the people working there by name and they doted on her, which was sweet to see.  She said 'my regular' please...and they knew she just wanted her toenails trimmed and painted...painted a very neutral color... and even though they were busy and were asking other people to finish drying in the other room with the dryers, they asked her to just sit and relax in the comfortable chairs and encouraged her to do a few more rounds of massage from the automated chair... she seemed so tickled...she kept asking them if she should go, to give someone else her chair and seemed so incredibly tickled when they would tell her her nails were not yet dry and they needed her to stay.  They all updated her on their kids and their travels and asked about hers in return... it was fun to watch.  This is one of the reasons I like this particular salon. ) By the time I finished there it was almost 4... and my motivation,  to find parking downtown, dropped... knowing the temperature would be dropping a bit as the sun was going down, didn't make walking around as enjoyable... (maybe tomorrow... but the gelato?? man I forgot about the gelato until I started this entry... )... so then I decided to see if I could find a couple of spring shirts... goodness knows I have enough clothes, but... retail therapy was something I needed and want some variety of things that are not sweaters and long sleeves.... I stopped at two places... and found a couple of shirts...but didn't have the desire to try them on at the store... I bought them and if they don't work, will take them back.  After leaving the clothing store... I was at the intersection where I could go straight, which would lead to going home, or going left, which led to getting gas and going to target... in my head, left would mean having to do both... and I kind of just wanted to come home... get some food going and relax... I'm tired... not from the surgery, but from not sleeping much last night... so... I drove straight... came home... and here I am...

I will probably put the laundry into the dryer... and will probably make some food (of course there's always toast) ... but will definitely relax.... 

So... today's lesson... is that making lists is not a bad thing to do... but... letting myself off the hook for not checking off all the items is also okay... could I have done at least a couple more things...of course, but decided to come home and stretch out a bit... (As good as I am feeling I still find that after being up and around for any length of time results in needing to take some time to recline or lay down... as many people have told me... 'you only heal once'... and I am keeping that in the forefront of my mind....

So... that's a brief update... time to make some dinner...or.... sit and see if my personal chef shows up... but that could result in a lot of sitting and waiting...

so far so good

Well.... The Rents hit the road yesterday, late morning... after being here for just about a week... they arrived last Sunday after a whirlwind trip from Florida where they had spent a couple of months escaping New England's winter... They came to be with me while I had and began my recovery from a hysterectomy.  Having a hysterectomy is a medical procedure, obviously, and in some situations can be a decision made by a patient... In this case, I was able to make the decision.  (I know I have shared some of this in previous posts... but it's my blog, so... you, if you choose to read it, get to see it again!) 

As I researched my options to deal with the medical issues I was experiencing, periods that were incapacitating, I talked to my primary care doctor as well as the surgeon to whom I was referred.  In addition to medical people I also talked with other people, people in my life who may have had information about why my mother had a hysterectomy (no conclusive information was found), people who have had hysterectomies, people who know my fear of cancer in a way more intimate than most, and a friend of one of my dearest friends... Rico... long time friend and blog buddy, insisted I talk to one of his friends... a friend of his and his wife's... I told him at first that was a ridiculous thing to do...why would I talk to a complete stranger about my periods? But, as Rico often does, he won... and in hindsight, I am grateful for his victory. 

He put me in touch with a woman who had experienced similar things during her periods... and I learned, had symptoms even more severe than mine... once bleeding out on her bathroom floor and required hospitalization.  Hearing what she went through made it clear to me that I did not want my symptoms to get worse... as it was, I was missing days of work, canceling activities with friends, and finding myself spending time in the fetal position unable to do anything else... Basically the rest of my body would shut down so that my period could run its course... and as time went on, it got worse, took more hours and days from me... prevented me from making plans to travel, impeded on adventures I wanted to take, and caused debilitating pain.  The only source of relief was time... time to let it do whatever it needed to do... and then recover...

Of course a hysterectomy was not the first option or even the only option... I started investigating how to make things better about six years ago... from what I have read, I was, as most women with similar issues are, prescribed the birth control pill.  The hormones are supposed to improve things... worth a shot... for some women that works... for me... I was in the small percentage whose body responds to the hormones by having a blood clot.  As a result I was told that I could not take the pill and that similar medications, with the same hormones, would likely cause another clot...and if I got another clot I would need to be on blood thinners for life.  (After being on them after the first blood clot, that was not something I wanted to do...)  So... in my brain, though there is no medical basis, ANY prescription that had ANY hormones were not something I was willing to consider.  This included implants of any kind...  so... my unwillingness to implant my body with something that sends hormones into my body really limited my options...

Basically I was down to three choices... 1 - do nothing and things would likely worsen.... 2 - have an ablation... or 3 - a hysterectomy... I think I have explained the options before so won't belabor them here... but for me, my personal choice was to have the hysterectomy. 

I wanted something that would guarantee a fix... a long term fix... and eliminating the risk of two kinds of cancer, was the right choice. 


So... overall, the experience, has not been as... painful/bad as I expected... fortunately my surgery was the first on my surgeon's plate on Monday.  Dad and Betty were here and drove me to the hospital.  We were met by a hospital advocate....after all the issues I have had with health care I chose to have someone there to witness my care... (Obviously having a hospital administrator present alters how people treated me, but... I needed it to go as well as possible...)  She was very helpful and supportive and stayed with me for all the prep for surgery, as did Dad and B... and she stayed with them during the surgery.  (I am SO grateful Dad and Betty were there... I know that I could have done it on my own, but there is still something about having my my parents with me for surgery that was important to me... ) 

The nurse who was the person to get me prepared was very sweet... she explained what she was doing, asked about my level of comfort often, and was very personable.  Before long the anesthesiologist arrived... he and I had spoken on the phone prior to surgery and it was nice to put a face to a name... and I got to see my surgeon... not long after I was given my happy juice and was wheeled away to the OR... I remember getting into the OR and moving to the operating table... I remember seeing a big light over me with smaller lights inside... remember a mask being put on my face and being asked if it was comfortable... and then I remember waking up in recovery and the same nurse from earlier in the morning telling me I was done and it had gone well.  I remember feeling disoriented but do remember there being a patient in the next curtain area who was not happy... his name was Charlie... the doctors and nurses kept saying, Charlie you need to relax, charlie you need to stop, Charlie if you want us to help you you need to relax.... during which Charlie was making noises like the ROUS (Rodent of Unusual Size) made when it was killed in the movie the Princess Bride... (Here is a youtube link if you ware interested!) Charlie was not happy.... I remember asking my nurse if I could get to my room sooner than later to get away from Charlie.  I don't think it took long before I was able to get into a room...

The doctor had told me that most patients stay overnight at the hospital... MOST... she said some were able to go home... I am sure most of you can guess which statistic I preferred to join... the nurse who was there to help me once I got to my room, was not a fan of the idea of me going home.  She explained everything to me, about how to order food, about how to call her, etc... when I mentioned that I would maybe be going home she told me that she doubted that, that most hysterectomy patients spend the night.  I told her my doctor and I had talked about it and that it was possible that I would get to go home.  After getting settled in I ordered a muffin and some ginger ale... told the 'rents they should go home and rest for a while... I knew my doctor would be stopping to see me at some point but that it may be a while and they should go home for a bit... they did!  I was pleasantly surprised.  the hospital administrator stopped to check on me and I told her I was okay and that she had been helpful and appreciated and that she should head out and see about helping other patients.  I drank lots of water and asked for an extra pillow to put under my arm where the IV was... that took more than an hour... the nurse came back, without a pillow, and when I asked for it again, she seemed annoyed... maybe she was having a long day... I rested for a while and woke up when my doctor came in to check on me.  She told me how things had gone and gave me some photographs of my uterus...things had gone well, but they had found more fibroids than anticipated... on the outside there were a lot of fibroids and on the inside there were more than the one detected in the ultrasound... (of course my brain translates fibroids to tumors..... and we all know where my brain goes from there... there is NO reason for me to suspect that there was any cancer, but... my fear creeps in and is real... I will be anxious until I get the pathology results...)... I was able to ask her if she thought that an ablation would have helped me... she said it probably would have helped, but would have been a very temporary help... she said it was likely that within a year, maybe two I would have really required this same surgery... I will ask her more questions about that in my follow up appointment, but couldn't help but think about Rico's friend's experience... had I not done this, would I have bled out somewhere? would I have needed emergency surgery to do the hysterectomy?  My gut tells me that that this was the best option for me... and I am happy with that choice...

I know I will have some moments of being emotional about it... about no longer having the option to have kids... really I had come to accept that giving birth to a child was not going to be part of my experience a while ago, but the finality of it is emotional.  I would have had cute kids... curly freckle faced kids... but... realistically, and maybe selfishly, though I think the word selfish is a little harsh... I am 40 years old... if I gave birth tomorrow I would be in my early 60s when the kid graduated from college... and during those next 20 years my life would revolve around that little person... I admire that people make that choice, and respect it... and think that in my 20s and 30s I would have been ready to make that commitment/sacrifice, but... now... as I am just into my 40s I see myself traveling, being able to take off and go to NYC for a weekend, just because I want to, on a whim... and this surgery has made those things more possible for me... I will no longer need to worry about trying to plan around my unpredictable periods, and won't have to worry about being across the country visiting friends and being in so much pain I cannot enjoy the visit...

I am so grateful that Dad and Betty wanted to be here for the surgery.  I think that given everything we went through with Mom... Dad doesn't want to be far away if one of us is under the knife.  I feel the same way.  I rested a lot while they were here, but tried to be up and be social a bit too... they puttered at things around the house... I am amazed at what got accomplished!  THANKS!!!  Dad had told me to make a daddy do list... and I put A LOT on that thing... and I am pretty sure he did them ALL, plus some things not on the list.  Betty kept us well fed and cleaned a lot... A housekeeper I am not... and with the hecticness of life lately, finishing my book, preparing to be out of work for a couple of weeks, and preparing for surgery... the house had not gotten the attention it needed... I am so lucky to have them in my life and that they so want to help...

I admit, as they were leaving yesterday I was a bit nervous... part of me was ready to fly solo, but I also knew that it would be harder to have to fend for myself... While they were here I worked to wean myself off the pain meds... I don't like to take them if I don't need them... and I am not allowed to drive while taking them... so knowing they were leaving was good motivation to get off the pain meds.  I was down to taking the pain meds at night and making it through the day on some heavy duty advil...

After they left I had some pain, maybe the most pain I have had since the surgery... and at the risk of sharing too much, I will say it ended up being gas... which was a relief... advice for anyone else who is going to have this surgery, take something to reduce gas... that is the worst pain I have had... and seems silly to have to worry about that after having had surgery!  I have a friend who is likely going to need to have a hysterectomy in the next few months... and so far, I have two things listed in the hyster kit I am going to give to her for afterwards... 1- Gas X... 2 - a pair of throw pillows... one to keep in the car to put between the seat belt and her belly, and one to have everywhere else... throw pillows are a good size and have a good thickness.... I have been sleeping with one over my left hip/stomach because the cats seem to think that's a great place to sleep when I am sleeping on my right side... and having the throw pillow has made it so that them being there doesn't bother me.  (Side note: one of my cats, Lucy, has been loving the fact that I am spending a lot of time in bed.  She is unhappy when I am not in bed and follows me around letting me know of her displeasure!)  

 'They' say the third day after surgery is the hardest... but yesterday was mine... physically I was the most uncomfortable I had been... and having Dad and Betty leave sent the point home that I had done this surgery, that it was behind me... and with that came a lot of emotions... relief... the reality of it... excited about knowing that my period days are over... some sadness about the finality of not having kids... and some sadness about being here solo... there are so few times where I resent being single... but this is one of those times... while I wasn't one of those patients who asked Dad and Betty to wait on me, it was nice to have them checking on me to see what I needed, bringing me fresh water, and making meals... and while I know if I had a boyfriend, it is likely I wouldn't really ask him for a lot either, it is the idea of having someone IF I needed something... (Yes I have a lot of friends who are willing to help and I have accepted their offers of assistance, but... it isn't the same thing...) 

I have appreciated that several people have checked in on me... Today Suellen came by and we went for a nice walk... the longest I have been on since surgery... about 0.7 miles round trip... which was plenty at this point... I had planned on going grocery shopping later...but she said she and her husband were going later today and told me to send her a list and I agreed... asking her to not judge me for putting chips on the list along with chocolate pudding (for some reason I had chocolate pudding in the hospital after surgery and that has really been hitting the spot!) 

I am glad that I don't have to go back to work this week... I don't think I could make it through the days... I am doing well, but... am very aware that I am healing... and promised myself I would give myself that time. 

We all have a breaking point... probably several.. today I found one of mine...

So... as most of you know... I am juggling a few things right now... writing a book, my ever crazy job, and getting ready for surgery... fortunately the writing has been a great distraction from the surgery... and I have been calm about things... well other than having to meet with hospital administrators to remind them about patient care...but since that I have been calm and taking it in stride... last week I donated my own blood in case I need a transfusion... and this week (in my oh so infinitely wise plan) I had a dental appointment to finish getting my crown... (That's right folks, it's official, I am royalty!! I prefer Queen to Princess... just in case you were wondering how to address me!) 

This week at work has been... well... a shit show... very trying... and in the midst of dealing with some of that today my dentist called... and this is when I started to crack a little... they called asking if I could move my appointment today up a half hour... not a big deal...right? Well one would think... at least if that 'one' was rational.  I told them I could do that easily as long as I could still get the nitrous oxide... (I have HUGE anxiety about going to the dentist... and when I got the temporary crown they used that magical gas and the appointment was tolerable...I even ALMOST told them they did a good job...that it was actually a good appointment... but... who would say such nonsense about the dentist?)  For some reason... they were not going to be able to accommodate that.  Excuse me? The dentist promised me I would get the gas on this final appointment... (I think she enjoyed my silent happy company!)  The secretary told me they couldnt' do it today and that I needed to reschedule.  I got a little...irritated...  and told them it was not possible... I reminded them that I have surgery a week from Monday and when I agreed to do this whole crowning process it was with the understanding that this would be behind me by the time surgery rolled around.  When we scheduled today's appointment I told them it was cutting it close, but they assured me it would be fine.  (Why do I continue to trust medical people??!!)  So... she asked if we could do the appointment on Monday.  Ummm... NO.  I have my pre op appt. Monday and told them it was unlikely I could emotionally manage having a pre op appointment AND a dental appointment in the same week.  (I know my limits...usually.)  I got grumpy... and apologized for it.  I knew in that moment I was upset more about the lack of control I suddenly had vs. the appointment itself.  (Imagine, me...a control freak? Who knew??  Ok.. maybe it is public knowledge.)  I told them if there was absolutely no way it could happen today I could possibly do next weds.  she told me she would get back to me.  When I hung up I had this moment of HIGH emotions... and started crying.. not the heavy breathing kind of crying, just the warm tears streaming down my face kind of crying... and stood up, closed my office door, and stood with my back to it so nobody would see me crying if they were to walk by... What the hell was going on? Why was I crying? The thought of the stress from everything surfaced and I realized that I haven't really released the stress valve very much lately... and this... this was not a good time for that to happen.  I worked hard to push it all down and got back to my crappy day of investigating a fight and who saw what and making a timeline of other events for the superintendent...(fun times!)  My phone rang again and the dentist said to come in at 3:30.  I felt better...strange given it meant having to go to the dentist.

When I arrived at the dentist the secretary came out from behind her desk to talk to me, to apologize.. she said she had totally forgotten about my surgery about the promise they made and said they know how much angst I have about the dentist and felt bad for ruining my day.  Well, damn it... what happens when my emotions are high and someone is nice? I teared up.. again... Ugh... these emotions that are just under the surface ... I apologized to her told her I wasn't trying to be high maintenence and bitchy.. she said I wasn't that i was just asking them to do what they promised they would do... (She gave me a gift card to dunkin donuts to apologize... an unneeded gesture...about which I feel guilty...)

So.. the appointment started... and I got the happy gas... and started to relax a little... I get my crown and they also remind me they were going to check another thing they had noticed in my last xrays... something that would be a quick fix, a bit of filing on one of my teeth... correcting a bonding that was a bit too thick... was supposed to be easy... so after they do the crown they do an xray... to make sure it is in the right place... and she asks me about another filling next to the tooth that was getting crowned... I had both fillings done at the same time, about three years ago.  I was already unhappy that the filling I had only three years ago needed to be replaced with a very expensive crown... but then to learn the other filling was also not done well... pissed me off... I told the dentist this was BS and that I didn't think I should have to pay for it if it was because it had been done poorly when it was done.  She (who has been at this practice for a short time...the other dentist, the one who did the work, is no longer there.) said she thought she could talk to the office manager and have them pay for it because many of the previous dentist's patients have required having the work redone... (Mental note.. if they are going to pay for that other filling to be fixed because the old dentist had screwed up.. you bet your ass I am going to be looking to get some money back for this crown!)  So... She says we can deal with that at another appointment, after my surgery... the happy gas seemed suddenly less effective... then.. she moved on to the 'little fixit'... and doesn't like what she sees... she found filling material embedded in my gums!  No, not kidding.  She said that it explained why my gums have been irritated and said we need to redo the whole thing.  (This is one of my front teeth... which when I was a kid got broken by my friend's brother when he was throwing ricks at us... he was a lovely kid... rock thrower and also set mouse traps outside of my friend's bedroom so that when we came out we had to walk over them... a real charmer!)  Redo the WHOLE thing? She again said it was ... in my words not hers, shoddy craftsmanship.  She offered to do it today, but at that point the tears were streaming down my face and I had been in the chair for about an hour and a half... I told her I could not handle that today.  She said she would again talk to the office manager and have the cost be to the practice not to me.  She tried to comfort me... and I couldn't even talk at that point.  Again, MAYBE if this was an isolated thing I may have not been so emotional but everything else that is going on... I just couldn't hold it in... usually they walk me out to the desk and I make small talk with the secretaries and talk about scheduling the next thing.. but as we got to the desk, I felt like the walls were closing in and they said something to me, not sure what, and I just said... I just need to leave right now...and walked out... I lost it in my truck... fell apart...

Eventually got to a point where I could drive... granted the tears were still streaming, but i was calm.. strange.. but the tears just wouldn't stop...

I made it home and as soon as I got inside... I just lost it again... went upstairs and literally jumped into bed and pulled the blankets over my head... and stayed there for a while....just let myself be upset... which is probably what I needed...

I got up after a bit and have been working on the final edits for the book, but the tears are still right at the surface... I have an early morning meeting tomorrow with our principal and some parents... I would prefer not to be at the meeting... but should be there... I am worried I will get emotional.  I emailed the principal and told him I will try to hold it together, to not tell the parents what I really think, and apologized in advance if I need to leave the meeting or the building for a bit...

So.. I think I am a little stressed... what was my first clue, right??  So.. the book is so close to being done... and this weekend I am going to get to see a friend I haven't seen in a while... and plan on doing some cleaning, my house is a disaster and I want to get it back in order so it feels even better being here in a calm environment... and then... I am going to focus on some self care... and deep breathing...





Usually when I leave there I stop at the desk and they talk about next appts or whatever...and they walked me out like usual and tried to make small talk seeing i was upset and I started feeling really claustrophobic and just needed to get out of there as fast as I could...  and have been crying off and on since...

Nystagmus

Earlier this week I attended a two day training about drug impairment... about the categories of drugs, the symptoms they cause, and how to detect whether or not someone has been using... The training was informative and as I worked with other school personnel and some law enforcement agents, practicing a variety of standardized field sobriety tests (SFSTs) there was this feeling of anticipation of wanting to be able to practice the tests and see the results we were taught would be there.  Ironically the week before I had sent a few kids home for issues related to substance use... and really based those decisions on my gut, and the atypical behavior of the student... so after the training, any training really, I wonder if I have just enough information to be dangerous...

As we prepared for a school function last night I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a good night... I asked my work partner what his gut was telling him and he said he had a bad feeling as well... that's not good... and we asked our school resource officer what he thought and he said... shit show... I was worried... unfortunately our guts were accurate...

I got a chance to try out the new skills I had learned at the training.  'Playing Cop' was not nearly as gratifying as I had anticipated it would be while at the training.  While learning how to do some of the tests I thought it would feel good to be armed with a method to definitively determine whether or not a kid was under the influence of something.  Well... it definitely did not feel good... felt kind of crappy, truth be told... maybe it would have felt differently had the tests proven my gut wrong... but the kid I suspected of drinking...had definitely been drinking.  The kid is not necessarily a frequent flyer in my office, but is a kid who is constantly on my radar.  He is a kid who is either peripherally involved in many situations or is directly involved but somehow is able to avoid getting caught.  Last night he tried to avoid being caught as well... tried to pull on my heartstrings. 

I watched him come into the event and other than seeming to be anxious to get in, seemed okay.  Didn't smell of alcohol... after a while I noticed one of his friends pull him away from a situation.  I couldn't tell what the situation was, but could see that his friend was trying to get him out of it... they saw me seeing them and tried to smile and went back to what they had been doing, at which point he looked like he was leaning on his friend a bit... a bit later I saw him seated, slouching a little, and I asked him if he was okay.. he seemed confused by the question so I asked him to come with me... his gait seemed unsteady and when I talked to him he said he was fine, just broken hearted... I had him come to my office with me and enlisted my work partner to help.  Our school resource officer was dealing with another situation.  I texted him to get him to join us, but got no response... So I asked the kid a few more questions... asked if he had been drinking and he said no, that he doesn't do that, that he is just going through a hard time, upset about a girl and about some family problems...said he goes to church and talks to his priest about things....wow... he was surely trying to blow smoke up our asses... I then decided instead of waiting for our school officer  I would try one of the sobriety tests I had learned in the training... the test is called HGN - Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus, which is a test for alcohol... What you are looking for in that test is 'smooth pursuit of the eye.'  So as the subjects eyes follow an object they should be smooth, back and forth, with no difficulty.  Our instructor said think of it as windshield wipers... when there is heavy rain the wipers go back and forth smoothly, but if you have the wipers set to go too fast for the amount of rain, the wipers drag/jerk a little bit as they go across the windshield. 

I am sure you have seen the test on tv or in movies... and it is pretty much as you see... have the person stand, feet together, hands hanging at their sides...tell them to keep their head still and follow an object with just their eyes.  Then the tester moves the object in a specific pattern and sees if there are any hesitations with the eyes as they move... The kid had a hard time following my directions... to put his feet together then had his hands in his pockets and needed a few reminders to just get the stance correct... he also needed reminders to not move his head... then I did the HGN test... and there was definitely nystagmus present... I told the student despite his denial I knew he had been drinking.  He continued to deny.  I finally got our school resource officer to come to my office and told him what I had seen.  He got one of the other police officers who was at the event to do the HGN test. 

I sat, wondering if what i had seen would match what he saw... he did the HGN test as well and it was clear that the kid was under the influence.  I felt validated in a way, feeling like I had learned how to do the test properly, but sick to my stomach because I hate that this kid is drinking so much... after the HGN they also did a breathalizer... one that is not as accurate as the ones they use on the road, but it still shows levels of alcohol...and his showed he was over the legal limit...

Ugh... as if one kid under the influence wasn't enough... as we were dealing with this situation another chaperone came to get us and we had another kid, equally inebriated.  Unfortunately by the time she confessed who else had been involved in her binge... the other kids were gone...had left the event. 

Those phone calls were not fun to make... hello parent.  I am calling from the school at 10:00 at night to let you know I think your child is drunk and could possibly be driving or could be riding with someone else who we suspect was drinking...  As unpleasant as that message is to give... it is more frustrating that when trying to contact parents when their kid is at an event, they do not answer their phones.  I am not kidding when I say I called the parents of one kid more than 10 times before they answered.  Then... the responses from the parents are mind blowing... one parent seemed adequately concerned and seemed to understand the urgency of things... while another simply said thank you for the information and hung up... hello? it's not like I just called you to tell you your kid is bringing home a permission slip to go to the museum that needs to be signed!  I am telling you your kid may be drunk, maybe driving drunk, or may be riding with someone else who is driving drunk... and that is your reaction? Not sure if that is better or worse than another parent I finally spoke with after multiple attempts whose house is where the kids had allegedly been drinking and her speech was slurred and she said that they all seemed fine when they left her house... seriously? sometimes I just don't get it. 

I don't have kids... so I try not to judge parenting styles... but... I just don't get it....

So.. coming home last night... I felt sick to my stomach... worried that I would wake up to news that one of our students had been in an accident... that a life was lost... thankfully that wasn't the case...